Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[june72]

If you really, really think about it, just b/c the marriage seems horrible now does not predict that it will be that way in the future. You can not assume that a D would lead to any greater happiness either but just more complications.

Thanks for the detailed response and thoughts. My sitch is that it's always been bad/borderline OK with moments of happiness. Yesterday, W was trying to do a job application and kept skipping steps like reading important directions. I have such a hard time supporting an respecting her in many places and ways.

Let her handle it. Why do you need to get involved with her job application? She is a grown woman. This could be perceived as overbearing and manipulative.

I did the one sided effort and turned her around quite a bit - enough that I'm sure I could get by. But I can't make her 'think' in ways I can support and respect. I can't give her the same outlook on the world, or in religion. I think in 20 years, I'd either be very distant, very divorced, or very happy. 1/3 just seems like such an unlikely hope.

She is not supposed to "think" exactly as you think. She is entitled to be different from you. You can not predict how you will be 20 years from now- you are giving up WAY to easy. Even if her views of the world or religion are different- this is NOT a justification for D

I wish I was just trying to get her to change her mind and that I felt more for her.

You are not in control of her- you are only in control of you. Get that! If there is one thing that is a mantra on this site. This is it. You only control yourself. Not anyone else. Trying to get her to change her mind is very pointless. Trying to change you would be fruitful. I know you will not understand that now, but the more you read on this site the more you will understand. You would feel more for her if you would try to understand her better and work on her "love bank" (his needs, her needs) and spent quality time with her and make genuine efforts to make her happy. If you do this for a while she will on her free will make genuine efforts to make you happy.

Listen, many people enter MC stating if only my spouse would change. Eventually, you come to understand that this is the wrong way to think about things. It is not about changing the other person but working on improving the relationship. Again, I am not sure if you will get it now as you are reading it but you will, someday.

How can I validate her feeligs and let her continue when I have problems understanding her? I have been trying to wait better to hear her out, but whatever I say that is a complaint, she feels is a pure attack.

Do randoms acts of love- hugs, kisses, sweet words, walk into your home with a smile on her face, bring her some of her favorite candies b/c you "thought if would make her happy". Make efforts to show that you enjoy time with her.

When we first reconciled in Jan, I did this and it helped a lot with the fighting. That is where my thread started - I have such a problem connecting with her ideas. For 11 years I've been hoping we'd grow together, but it hasn't happened...not yet, at least.

Why did you stop? It was working. This is not supposed to be a short term thing. This is the way you are supposed to treat her for the rest of your life. Like she is the most important person to you. Women want to be cherished and loved. They want to feel that they are the most important thing in your life. Give her that and she will give you her soul and heart. This is how you get a woman to love you. By treating her with lots of love and respect- by doing small deeds of kindness. By waking up every morning and thinking- what can I do today that would make my wife happy? By spontaneously telling her you find her beautiful, telling what qualities you like in her. This is the way to live a marriage- you appreciate her and she will follow your lead and reciprocate.