how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

I've never been in your spot, but I would think I would want:
- space enough to focus on his new job instead of the R
- encouragement with the new job, some kind of congrats that only you, his mother, or another close person could give him
- when you see him pretend you were dating him again
- be confident
- forgive and forget, for now at least
- be strong so he knows you don't need him, you want him

[OnceBurdened]

During My Seperation -
- Let her know I wanted her but didn't need her.
- Be a Friend
- Don't Monitor, spy, bug, nag, etc..
- Don't be at every beckon Call - support but from distance.
- Took extra good care of myself and was very visible.
- Attended Church - took kids.
- Try to become better Daddy

I know some of it doesn't apply to your sitch but thats a condensed version of what I wrote down.

Which i would suggest to you - write it down!

[talia]

TTA,
I'm proud of you - this is a very tough time. You can do this. Its a good sign that he's so conflicted, but you can't help him with that. The really crappy thing about all this, is that he has to sort through those feelings for himself. Be wonderful, supportive, and loving when he reaches out - but don't reach out to him. Just focus on you and get yourself in order. I hope you see that you have alot of your own emotions to sort through - we all do - and you need to give yourself that time. The best thing you can do to help H is to take care of you.

What is your plan for self care this week??

T

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM and OB. those are good ideas and i'm doing my best to give him space and still let him know i'm around. it was actually nice to rearrange some of the furniture last night after he'd moved his things out, and while i am lonely i'm not alone.

going to church definitely helps, i found a new one that i love and brought my sister with me this weekend and plan to bring some girlfriends this sunday. makes a lot of difference in terms of my overall mood!

plan to run tonight and have dinner plans tomorrow with my sister. today his his first day at his new job. i wanted to wish him luck but also don't want to distract him from focusing today - maybe a quick email this evening to say i hope it went well?

i'm just having a hard time with understanding where he's at in his head. last weekend he said he knew in his heart that separating was the best thing for both of us in the long run. in the letter he left, he said he wasn't sure if separating was the answer. i never responded to that letter, but...i'm so confused.

[trytryagain]

thanks, talia. i know i can't help him with those feelings, it just leaves me feeling more confused to know that he's wavering. i do plan to devote this week to myself. running, yoga (now that i have all that free space for my yoga mat in the living room!!), time with friends, journaling, reading (which i will have more time for now that i have no TV to distract me!), and working on a LONG overdue photography project i've been meaning to get to for about a year now!

i do have a lot of emotions to sort through, and hopefully all this focus on myself will help me do that!

[jasper67]

Just be strong and try to expect the worst case scenario. You need to be strong for you and independant for you. I am in your shoes, these are words I am telling myself as I write them to you. The confusion is unreal. I've come to believe that I will no longer be confused by W's actions. I know what I want, and right now I can't have it, and may not ever have it again.
Let your H be the one who's confused. Let his head spin...be the lighthouse, dont pursue, and ignore that letter. Or see it for what it is- wishy-washy back and forth rubbish.

best

[Onthemountaintop]

in the letter he left, he said he wasn't sure if separating was the answer. i never responded to that letter, but...i'm so confused.

Sounds like you are doing something right if he is more confused. Think of it like a balance - less sure to seperate means more sure to work on M later on. I wouldn't expect miracles, but hope sounds like it should be around.

It also sounds like you have a great weekend alone, but not lonely, to work on being happy and confident~

[trytryagain]

i'm certainly not expecting miracles at all. he did just call me, though. i haven't spoken to him on the phone in a while! it made me so nervous to talk to him. i feel like a damn teenager. but he was asking me about our joint banking account since he's dealing with getting all his direct deposit stuff set up at his new job today. so it was mostly just business but i did ask him how the job was going and tried my best to sound upbeat. he asked about the dog and when i said, oh he's ok, just a bit depressed, you know how he gets, my H said, well, i can't talk about it or else i'll just get upset about it. i'm thinking...if you know you're going to get upset, why would you ask? anyway, i just wished him luck with his first day and told him i knew he was going to be great in his new position then we hung up.

be the lighthouse. i like that, maynard. that is some sound advice. i just hope he can see me through the fog.

[trytryagain]

i know i keep complaining about my mother, but it's very hard for me to keep my cool and be level-headed about this when every time i talk to her, she's telling me about how she was up all night long, worrying about me, or how i need to make sure that i don't let my H start making all the decisions on what happens from here.

i tell her, look, do i look like i'm worried to you?? i'm hurt, i'm sad, but hey, i'm still alive. it just hurts that she's written my marriage off already, the second he moved out she was just like, well, that's over, guess you'd better move on.

i guess i need to set up more boundaries with my mom, but even if i say, mom, i don't want to talk about my M or anything that's going on with my H, she just ignores me and does it anyway. well, let me just say this one thing. i understand that she is just worried and wants to look out for me, but it doesn't help me ONE BIT to talk to her and listen to her go on and on about what H needs to do, what i need to do, how i'm going to start my life over...

i'm just venting, but...SHE IS MAKING ME CRAZY!

[g450]

Just read your entire thread trytryagain,

About your Mom. She just loves you. I sometimes have to remind my own Mom that Im 47 not 14 LOL. Makes her mad every time. Not been close with her for years till this D thing started. It's sad how only pain can bring some things closer together again.

Not familiar with ADHD so cant really give advice. That and Im still new. But I feel the advice about being the lighthouse and wanting your H but not needing him to survive rings true.

I am in a similar sitch as you but replace the ADHD with possible MLC (yes I know that term is overused and abused here).

Like you I still tear up and sometimes cry at pictures, notes, music and reminders of my wife and our life. After 23yrs together, reminders are everywhere. Even on the streets I drive on if that makes sense.

I am at the stage now where I am a (mobile) lighthouse myself as I tend to be a little too eager to help my WAW since she is starting to warm up a frienship with me. Should be divorced in 8 days so we will see if that changes anything. Remember, a D is not the end. I think of it as just a piece of paper. I didnt need paper to tell me we loved each other before we were married. Same for you right? My love is between me, her and God, not the State of Texas.

Regarding your Yoga Matt in the extra space, I opted for a pool table, bar and mini beer fridge in my extra space LOL. I just had to laugh when I read your Yoga Matt comment. I am the complete opposite of you LOL.

Keep being a lighthouse and loving from a distance. It sounds like you may have a chance at R but I do not want to get your hopes up. You never realy know, only he does or only God knows.

It gets easier. Stay strong.