Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[libbyasking]

I think the impact on children who are teenagers is maybe bigger than other age groups. They are also on their hormonal journey and then their life is torn apart by a dad in MLC.

The security they once knew to take them through their angst has changed and they have to come to terms with it.

Both my boys age 16 and 13 are struggling. My S16 even got quite threatening the other day and I had to stand my pitch and tell him ascertively it was not acceptable. He backed down so I must have done something right.

KJ we are all going through this journey together. Be strong your 14 year old knows where her security is she is just testing boundaries to see if you will leave as well.

[kjensen]

OP- I think it would be great to share The 5 Love Languages with wife and if she figures hers out and shares them with you-more power to you! My H actually read that book(about the only one I suggested!) and I thought it was helpful.. Trying to se it for the girls(there is a teen version of the book I need to check out) and have spoken about it with them...from our conversation neiher have a love language! :-)

TF..hang in there! I truly get the exhaustion bit. and those 'teen' years do come so fast. Soak in the fun(an unabashed love) your kids' ages bring now!

Libby- I do think the teen years are particularly rough for a parents' MLC to happen. My dad separated from my mother and moved half-way cross country when I was 13. That was hard. But the MLC animal is different-its like its our parent, but your parent is acting funny..saying things and not following through.. The marriage wasn't so bad, so why did Dad leave?

Part of why last night was so difficult is that D12 is my little drama queen and when she meltsdown she does it over the top..says things I know she doesn't mean but boy do they hurt.." Mom, everyone hates you..I ask who? well she does and dad doesn't love me b/c he left and D14 argues with me so I must be the problem...

I did manage to calmly tell D12 that I wasn't going anywhere and I loved her no matter how she felt about me...didn't help at the time but later on I got a hug and an apology.

And so it goes...

D14 is so calm about her sisters meltdowns..."Mom, she's just tired, make her take a nap and she'll be fine"...this said at 9pm..we were all tired!

Well my checking account got funded with my paycheck which I'm sure H will see today. Not sure if I should be proactive and explain to him or wait for him to bring it up..I'll probably see him at D12's basketball game tonight. a bit nervous about his reaction even though I didn't do anything wrong..I'm sure he'll feel I wasn't upfront or something. I did tell him my lawyer suggested this and he just thought we'd do it later... Anyone have ideas? Proactive or wait and see what he brings up?

[Cadet]

wait and see what he brings up

How will he know that your paycheck is in your account? Or is it that it won't be in the joint account. I say wait. Keep Dim/Dark. This is what divorce is all about. He needs to understand that reality. Don't rub his nose in it though.

Thanks for the advice about the book. Your H read it. I think that is interesting.

Just let what D12 say roll off your shoulders, I guess the hug and the apology later was worth the wait. They may say they hate you now but in 2 years you will have D14 learning how to drive and D12 is only 2 years behind that. Believe me it(time) goes FAST!

[kjensen]

Hi OP-
Yeah, the paycheck won't go into the joint account, which has really been funded just by me since November...H would put a little money into our joint account from his business when he thought we could use it..otherwise he keeps it in his business account.

I guess I anticipate an angry response from H no matter what I do..because there will be even less control (or illusion of control) over our(my) money. Maybe some fear of being truly (financially) alone? I've left a good amount of money in the joint account so he can still buy his gas/groceries off my dime.

I always saw our money as OUR money-never mattered to me who made what-we shared in all decision-making and I would ask before buying anything for myself..even though most of OUR money was my money..

His big beef all of these years was he didn't make enough money having his own business. For awhile he blamed me for supporting him in his own business and finding reasons why it worked for us(he was home when the kids got home from school, could help them get to afterschool activities, he could develop a closer relationship with them, his business was helping others)..money-making is tightly tied to his feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. Not mine..what you make in our screwy society doesn't say anything about who you are as a person, in my book. Otherwise teachers would have the salaries of NBA stars!

H now says he made the decision to have his own business and doesn't blame me...I don't think his emotions have caught up with more adult perspective he's stating now.

I thought it interesting too, that H glommed onto that particular book. His love language is words...(mine is words/physical touch)..so that he felt neglected 'for years' says to me that I wasn't giving him the verbal love he needed, even though I always thought I was very verbal about my positive feelings...or maybe its just the MLC re-writing of history.
In any case, more knowledge is power to put to good use.

[trustingfaith]

I know - time flies with the kids and they grow up so fast. I am dreading the teen years but I guess I am getting practice now dealing with my H!

KJ, you are fortunate your H hasn't followed the typical running through money like it is water like so many of the MLCers do! It is scary. He may be upset you took the steps to have your paycheck deposited to a different account but that is the reality of D.

We have always operated on the premise that all money is both of ours and worked well together on figuring it all out and talking about money. For the last year and a half, that hasn't been - the working together. He is starting to a little bit again but I think he is honestly waking up some to the mess he has created and probably is too depressed and overwhelmed by life in general to deal with it the way he needs to and take responsibility. Hopefully that will work itself out in time as well.

I guess I should leave the 12 Love Languages book again. It is important to be aware of what those you love need to feel loved. It is interesting that you feel like you did "love" your H with words and he doesn't remember that - part of that rewriting of history, MLC memory lapse. It is so frustrating.

[Walking]

Hey KJ - how are you doing? Did H react to the paycheck change?

Now on movies and your daughter's potential trip .... I can highly recommend.

1. Ten Canoes I don't know if your daughter will like it because it's in language with English subtitles- but it's a good yarn about traditional life and I think a movie buff like you will really like it - Jawoyn were heavily involved in the research and making of the story.

2. Rabbit Proof Fence – which I think your D would like … it’s the true story of 3 Aboriginal children who were taken from their families during the assimilation period (shameful time in Australian history) who ran away from the Mission and walked 1500 km back home. It’s a great movie and gives real context to how the assimilation policies impacted on children of the Stolen Generations.

Keep up that reading. It’s amazing how much we can learn during these tough times and believe me the things you are learning now will stay with you for the rest of your life. Your river is very deep indeed!!!

Cheers, V

[kjensen]

Hi Virginia-
Doing OK. My paycheck actually still got deposited in our joint account. I saw H Friday night at D12's basketball tournee..I mentionned opening my own checking account. He said I should have my check direct deposited into it..so I said..Ummm, yeah I was thinking about that... H asked if we should get together this weekend to get our taxes in order and I said "maybe"...we'll see.

Sat was a great day spent with the girls seeing a movie, getting them manicures for their Sunday photo shoot with their dad..shopping a bit. Just nice.

H called this morning(Sunday) to see if I wanted to do the tax thing..I told H that the girls and I weren't sure what clothes they should wear for their photo shoot.. H started getting reactive..thinking I was dictating what the girls would wear on his photo shoot..I said I didn't want to make decisions that would affect his pictures..that I didn't want to do anything that he could get angry at me for...he was quiet(I think absorbing my comment)..and said he'd come over early to help the girls get their outfits. When he showed up we worked on the tax stuff a bit..I told H he looked good and he shared that he was nervous. I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and held his hand for a minute to reassure him..it was brief and nice and he didn't pull away.

I left to go to a movie(Up in the Air-quite good!) and texted H that he was and attractive and beautiful man and to have fun with the girls. I sent the girls loving messages as well. D12 texted back that H was snooping by my nightstand! LOL Not sure what he could have been looking for..the books I'm currently reading are under my bed by my nightstand and my journal..nothing really of interest-haven't written in my journal since mid-December..

Tonight H texted me to thank me for my kind words. D14 said when they were having their pictures taken H said she looked just like me..He said "Aren't you lucky-your mother is so pretty." That was nice to hear, even though it second-hand.

Good ideas on films Virginia- we've all seen Rabit-Proof Fence-great film!, but will check out Ten Canoes.-thanks for the suggestion! Kind of been thinking of re-watching Walkabout. Walkabout and The Last Wave were the first Australian films I remember watching way before film school..definitely memorable.

Reading Grown-Up Marriage by Judith Viorst...really helping me have perspective on what was going on in my (un)grown-up marriage and helping me understand what kind of relationship I want in the future with H or whomever. Actually giving me some helpful distance and perspective. Things are getting a little bit easier each day. I'm pretty sure there's no stopping this divorce. I think H has some growing up to do and its probably easier/better for him to be unmarried to me to do it at this point. I'm still standing for this man and hope that he grows up, wakes up and comes back..but I'm slowly moving forward on my own.