Wow, this really has been and continues to be quite the adventure. I'm past the anger, for the most part. I guess I process anger a lot better than grief and sadness.
I've accepted the fact that this is happening. I'm almost certainly getting a D. Not my choice, but loving someone means letting them make their own choices whether I agree or not. It's not about right or wrong. Right now it's "hope for the best, prepare for the worst."
Mostly, I'm just sad, but able to move forward without it weighing me down anymore. I can laugh and eat and sleep. I still dream about my STBX every night.
We had a nice, mellow conversation today after a long NC period. I think the lack of contact has helped me process this stuff better than I would if we were talking. She asked whether I had any romantic/sexual prospects and admitted that I kind of did, but that I couldn't commit to anyone or even have sex w/ anyone in the near future. My "prospects" are internet contacts only. That's the most I can handle but I didn't spell that out to her. I was fairly promiscuous before meeting her, so let her infer what she will.
She said she was waiting for the D to finally be over before she would consider being interested in anyone. The "being interested in anyone" part didn't bother me as much as her impatience to end the M. I even told her that I accept the sitch (true) but that it still makes me sad (true).
The thing is, I still don't want to accept the sitch, but I KNOW I can't control her. I see a future without her clearly now and I see little that I can do to change that.
I won't sign the D papers until all my things are out of the apt. And I want my dog back. I will try hard not to use this as leverage, but given the past few mos I have little trust that she won't eventually get tired of my things there and use it as leverage later on (i.e. "do X or I will trash your stuff."). Plus I want my dog back. He is mine and if there's no M, he should revert back to me.
I do hold out some hope that during the long-ish D process she will notice the changes and reconsider before it's finalized. I won't hold my breath, but weirder things have happened, esp. in our R.
My question for those paying some attention to this is "now what?" I'm in C, working on career, working on my issues and finally out of the denial phase. What else could I be doing, in terms of increasing the likelihood of reconciliation? I know now that I don't need to be with her, and I'm focusing on me. I'm honest enough w/ myself that I accept the almost certainty of the D, but you never know. Until I have the career training over with I can't help much, but once I'm done w/ that I could be making a fair bit of money.
She has money issues and I plan to help as much as I can. All I can do right now is offer sympathy, but I think too much contact will only make things worse. Any thoughts?
Oh, and she is working on her issues as well. She's in C (though this is the C who initiated the initial separation). She's reaching out to old friends and working on getting back into school.
For once in my life I'm not "in control." I can't see into the future (not that I really could) and I appreciate the fact that I realize I don't control my W, that she's making her own choices. I don't want to make her want me, I just want her to want me... That's a big step for me.
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
