Quote: Have you told him this SAME thing in the past? IF you have, then he's already heard it.
Yes, I've told him. I need to shut up and validate which I did Tuesday night when we talked...I let him talk while I sat and listened.
Quote: Remember his background? He's a mess and there's nothing you can do to change the last seven years.
I need to have pity on the man and stop pushing my needs in his face...let him have the floor so to speak and be supportive and loving. I just get scared and want reassurance which I guess only serves to push him farther into the cave. I won't call him then.
Quote: If he says he doesn't trust you say something like "I know you don't trust me, I know are past hasn't been the best.
When he said that he didn't trust me, I told him that if he'd done the filing for the divorce and attempted reconciliation, I would have a hard time trusting him too. I didn't ask how I could build his trust again. Put in for the dismissal?
Quote: What happened with the continuance?
The continuance has been scheduled for the SAME day as the divorce hearing!!! Because it is that week the county will listen to all family cases. So my attorney will get some time to put our case for the continuance before the judge and have her decide to either extend for 6 months or to grant us a divorce. It will be difficult because my h at that time can say he wants the divorce and that may sway the judge to grant it. Though my attorney does feel like we have evidence that a continuance is in our best interest...mainly because I'm the one that filed the divorce and am now the one asking the continuance. The judge may not even consider my h's testimony. It's a big gamble that will take place November 17th. I'm nervous to say the least!!!
I so want this time around with H to be different. He shifts so much in his mood that I'm afraid to do anything because it may be the wrong thing. Like if I call him to ask him out...will that be wrong because I'm assuming he wants to go out with me when he may not want to...the last couple of times I've asked he's said absolutely NOT he wanted the d. Now do I go with he's changed his mind about the d because we ML or WHAT? I asked him but he made to mention of where we are going as a result of ml. I'll have to wait on him, I guess would be my better bet?
Don't feel bad. I was the one in my marriage that was angry and uninvoled. Now I am trying to rebuild trust with my ex. It is a long row to hoe. Enjoy what time you have together and build from that. Remember he is alien like my ex. He will find any excuse to say you are the one causing the problems. Confuse him by not going back to any old habits that may have made him feel that way. My ex has said that everytime I start makeing any headway toward changeing I will mess up every two weeks. I am showing her now that she is wrong. This I hope will confuse the alien within.
Quote: Confuse him by not going back to any old habits that may have made him feel that way.
Yes, I'm looking for ways NOT to do what I did before!!! LIke you I want to NOT repeat previous behavior that put us in the old circular pattern. I guess not giving into how I would normally react to my insecurities would be a start (calling him to talk about r, wanting reassurances, etc.).
Quote: Remember he is alien like my ex. He will find any excuse to say you are the one causing the problems
That is SO what he does!!! This last time though he said he was sorry for hurting me and did admit to how he felt (not trusting me, loved me, angry)...more concrete than the 'I don't knows' I've always gotten before!!! Big change there.
I was just like your h. I neglected my ex's emotional needs, I was self centered. Not always but she only remembers the bad times. Sounds like when he is drinking his inhibitions are lowered. The real him comes out. Maybe he needs some ADs. I've been on them for about 3 weeks now. I am able to let things go that I have no control over, it has helped me to accept how things are. But not to quit trying, just lets me focus on the positives and ride out the negatives a little better.
Yes, my H is on ADs but has only started taking them consistently for 2 months (?)...but he may be off of them again not sure.
How would you like your x to treat you to help you be more involved and to trust her again? Give me some pointers on dealing with my unaffectionate uninvolved mate!
I would like for her to show some interest in me in a romantic way. Like maybe holding hands. An invite to dinner. Something to show that she is interested in me and appreciative of how I have changed.
Well this is all backwards! I'm the one that filed but now I'm trying to save this m. He's not changed much at all towards me but has toward our children when they visit him. The kids though say he's still as selfish as ever and do not want him home.
So what should I do? Maintain my distance? Only have contact when he calls? He's very insecure and says he can't trust me so how do I get in there with h?
Oh, my Elwood, he just called to ask me out!!!! But I made plans already for Friday that he said were too late for him...he has to work at 5am Saturday so he says why don't you come over Sunday when I come get the boys? Oh my gawd!!!! I can't believe it!!!! I'm BACK IN!!!
Fantastic, I am so happy for you. Just look at like I try too. It is a date with someone you really like but have no history with. Hard to do. And remember that afterwards they will tend to distance themselves a little. This is normal, don't put any pressure on him. Sounds like things are definetly moving in the right direction for you. I'm happy and envious at the same time.
But I made plans already for Friday that he said were too late for him...he has to work at 5am Saturday so he says why don't you come over Sunday when I come get the boys? Oh my gawd!!!! I can't believe it!!!! I'm BACK IN!!!