D-day was 9 months ago.We have been married 19years.We continue stuggle with R. NC has never really stuck with my WS. I have recently found out about continued contact with OP. I am unable to stay married to her as long as she continues to have contact with OP. My wife says she will abide to NC this time. I have posted questions about telling OP's wife and the answer from this forum and Marriage Builders forum seem to be the same " tell OP's wife". I have not done that as of yet. I had a IC session scheduled yesterday and wanted to discuss this issue with my IC once again. My IC was emphatic that telling OP's wife is the wrong thing to do, she asked if I was prepared for the "carnage" I would cause by telling. She said it was the OPs place to tell his wife. She said it would only drive my wife away, maybe even force her to leave me for OP. I told my IC that if my wife wanted to leave me she would or she will regardless if I tell. My IC went on to say that it would "controlling" and "manipulating" of me to tell the OP's wife about the affair in an effort to force my wifes decision...I am very confused, I left my IC session re-evaluating my reasons for wanting to tell. I did share with my IC that I have been communicating in various forums on this issue. My IC still warned that it was not my place to tell. Please again any insight on the subject of telling OP's wife would be greatly appreciated......
SOrry, but this IC does NOT sound like they are experienced with infidelity cases much less well-read on them.
I would ask your IC how much EXPERIENCE with infidelity they have... many IC's will take on an infidelity case even though they have next to NO experience with the topic.
Find out if your IC has any background in this or are they just pulling BS out of their BUTT... I went to two that were ZERO help... They insisted they could help me anyhow, but I rejected them...
No experience with infidelity means they will be of NO USE to you
You don't do it to "force" anything. You do it because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
Why should the OP's spouse be the only one of the 4 of you affected, NOT to know the truth, and be able to deal with it accordingly as they see fit?
They have a right to know. There are emotional, and potentially legal, financial and even medical ramifications to this other woman, based on what her husband is doing with your wife.
SOrry, but this IC does NOT sound like they are experienced with infidelity cases much less well-read on them.
I would ask your IC how much EXPERIENCE with infidelity they have... many IC's will take on an infidelity case even though they have next to NO experience with the topic.
Find out if your IC has any background in this or are they just pulling BS out of their BUTT... I went to two that were ZERO help... They insisted they could help me anyhow, but I rejected them...
No experience with infidelity means they will be of NO USE to you
Another point to make here, this IC sounds like a real tool.
"Controlling and Manipulative" -- is this for real?
Control is NOT a bad word, the opposite is OUT of control, which isn't much fun either.
Your marriage and this other marriage ARE OUT of control... you are trying to get them UNDER control again... But for some reason this IC feels this is a bad thing... lets let two marriages run amock unchecked and unmanaged for years while the Abandoned Spouse in both marriages feel increasingly anxious and depressed... sure.. just leave that alone and let it run its course...
What on earth is this IC thinking?
not your place? Sure, its not your place, but the WS isn't telling his wife now his he? SOMEONE SHOULD I agree... and it should'nt be you no.. but NO ONE ELSE IS DOING IT.
If something NEEDS to be done, and the person who is accountable isn't doing it.. you either do it yourself or suffer... my vote is that YOU do it yourself...
This IC has no right to press values on people like this... this IC should lose their license in my opinion... encouraging affairs to continue with "its not your place" BS... Someone is being LIED to and MANIPULATED when they are the abandoned spouse of an affair.. did the IC not bother to acknowledge that?
Sure, manipulation is bad... and affairs are manipulative... so put a stop to them.
This is old school thinking that affairs should just quietly continue in the dark so the boat doesn't get rocked... this was the thinking back in the 60's and 70's and even into the 80's. Marriage science has gone a lot further since then on the subject of infidelity ...
The conclusion?
Infidelity destroys homes, families, and each of their occupants and should not be allowed to happen or continue.
Stop them as soon as possible - period.
This IC really is just pulling BS out of their butt in my opinion... have they quoted any academic sources as a reference for their position?
Ask them where they are getting their advice from. WE on THIS forum can reference up to date literature in the field of marriage science to back up our claims... if this IC can't... they're a HACK and should be put out of business... shut them down and then shut the affair down.
I still have not told OP's wife. It weighs on my mind ever day. I have read differant opinions and am very confused. My wife seems deppressed and distant. We have a very hard time discussing anything without it turning into a fight. My wife still warns me not to tell OP's wife, she wonders why I would be so vindictive and says everything will blow up. I wish I could believe that NC is taking place but I dont. There is a part of me that thinks I should tell and let the cards fall. I also am afraid that telling OP's wife would only help villainize me further. Would that cause her to leave me??? Some of their emails I discovered stated that they both would wait to leave their spouses, that the timing wasnt right now....
You sound fearful and timid. Just your use of the word "tell," I thought, was interesting. It's "EXPOSE," and as Allen says, it's based on sound research.
Villainize is not the word... its not being a villain to expose an affair anymore than testifying in acourt of law that you witnessed a murder taking place... are murder witnesses being villains?
Something is under attack here.. your HOME... and YOU are the witness... the other abandoned spouse's home is ALSO under attack.
If someone was trying to BREAK INTO the other spouse's home would you expose that so they are WARNED that their HOME is in danger?
Sorry but this is ridiculous... exposure is the honest thing to do... are you going to wait for that wife to get an STD and die of aids or something before you wake up and realize that wife needs your HELP and you are sitting there doing NOTHING to help her?
This IC really did a number on your train of thought here... its OLD SCHOOL THINKING and it does NOT WORK.. its 2010 for goodness sakes not 1950!
OK, this is the last post I am making on this thread... blackskys you are doing EVERYTHING experts (real experts, not your IC) are reccomending NOT to do.
1. Why are you negotiating with your spouse over this? They aren't in the right mind right now... you are reasoning with an addict, its a waste of time
2. Why are you going to a counsellor who is obviously out of touch with modern Family Therapy practices.. again Michele Davis is quite clear in her book about this... drop the IC... there are a million bad ones out there and you have one of them...
3. Stop thinking this through, you aren't in the healthiest mind to make allt hese choices.. you need to start following Michele's stategies here and GAL. No where in DR does she reccomend you agonise daily over an affair. She reccomends combatting the affair and the person who is attacking your house hold...
I apologize in advance, but this whole thing has me very angry right now... When there was an affair going on in my home there were a lot of people thinking like you surrounding my wife and it allowed that affair to run for a VERY LONG TIME... my LIFE was on hold during that time and was being played with my a bunch of manipulative children who didn't know how to make adult decisions... and I see the same thing here...
It's time to be an adult blackskys... that means putting an end to hurtful childish games and showing some leadership and maturity in your home... Not agonizing over how everyone feels right now... the feelings you are worried about are those of selfish hurtful children... and they don't deserve to be catered to like this they deserve a time OUT and an ADULT to guide them.
