You said: "I still disagree with this. It applies to parents who don't get along at all. Otherwise, I don't think that what happens in their parents' bedroom is the main determinant of the fakeness of family events, especially as seen by the kids, or even the parents for that matter. If you want to talk about self-justification, now that sounds like the kind of thing people say in order to feel better about their divorce. I don't buy it."
My ex-h and I got along just fine, were sweet and loving and affectionate to each other. What my kids now see, is that we had no passion.
I don't see why you don't get this. With no passion and no sex life, it WAS fake. My husband and I were family, the same way brothers and sisters are family...but we were not romantically in love and had no real sex life, which was eventually the demise of our marriage. THIS is what the kids see now...they look back and see our life was nice, loving, affectionate, but not sexual and therefore it eventually failed.
Kids will grow up and realize for themselves that a marriage needs to include a sex life and passion, and if it doesn't, it is not a happy or fulfilling marriage. Your marriage is NOT fulfilling to you, even though parts of your marriage do work. If your marriage WAS fulfilling to you as it is right now, you would not be getting sex elsewhere. Your kids will know this in the future, it will be obvious to them...whether you want to believe this or not is still just a fog you are in.
I always thought my kids would admire me for giving it my "all" even while my needs weren't getting met. Instead, they just wonder why their father and I stayed in a sexless marriage for so long, "just for them". They would have rather that we either fix our problem, or just move on. You'll just have to trust me on this, I'm not talking just to talk.
You said: "And, as you know, I did just that, much earlier, straight into couples counseling, and we had some very direct discussions."
No, you didn't do what I actually said, because included in my description was "what I should have done was leave much, much earlier". You think you've done what you should have, but you haven't. You should have left to make it clear you weren't going to accept a sexless marriage, and THEN tried to work on it. You still have not made it clear to her that you will not live like this, because you are still justifying your cheating.
You said: "And if I did separate and lived in an apartment, I'd still be spending a lot of time with my kids and perhaps even my ex-wife with all the common things we have."
Yes, and when I finally did leave my ex-h, I did spend a lot of time still at the family home, with the family, we still did all holidays and birthdays together...what is your point?
You said: "But splitting up our finances and things, sounds like a royal pain in the neck, and waste of money."
Yep, it is the worst pain the butt you can imagine, on top of the later fun and games that come with the final divorce. It was the worst thing I've personally ever been through. We are all here trying to help you AVOID this ... but the first step may be separation before you can actually avoid divorce.
And as for my situation now...my kids are happy, my ex-h is happy, my new husband is happy, and I AM HAPPY. Was I "happy" before in my sexless marriage? No, because I couldn't experience sex except through cheating. I deluded myself into thinking I was happy...but in seeing what happiness within marriage actually involves now by experiencing it, I realize it was all a sham, as I keep trying to tell you.
