Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Lost - going to trust your advice and not push for church right now. Probably been enough pushing in this household and I am seeing the signs of the wide range of emotions from the job she is giving up.

[gutwrenching]

A bit of journaling and of course other comments welcome.

I would say this has been a weekend of mixed signals and ranging emotions and some self realization.
First the self realization. As I continue down the path of detaching, I have made progress when it comes to not letting the wife's actions impact how I feel and how I am, BUT...I am failing miserably when it comes to how she treats the kids. The indifference to the kids still sets me into a tail spin, so I got to work on that.
Fri night, W calls me at 6:30 and says she is coming home, even offers to go pick up pizza which I was glad to let her do...then she remembers she needs to call someone back so we figure it is more time efficient if I get the pizza for pizza/movie night with the kids. Two hours later...no W, movie is almost over, girls are perplexed, and I'm raging mad. Mad because she broke her promise to the girls and they are so disappointed. Finally, I text her to make sure she hasn't been in an accident or something (lots of snow/ice on roads here) and no she just stayed working.

She comes home in foul mood, as the movie is over and we've all eaten and its almost bed time for the girls. I have to use Rocked's advise from a long time ago and just go in the bathroom and calm down and collect myself. I do that, play with the younger daughter for a bit and then start the bed routine. Somewhere in here W shares with me that she is in bad mood because of job she is giving up. W says to me she wants to do facebook for 15 minutes, then turn off her computer, and watch some of our recorded TV shows with me without any distraction of computer. That is a mixed signal - because she knows that has bothered me in the past - the TV + computer - this is prior to the bomb when I felt like I was being ignored. We stay up late watching TV and then another mixed signal. I'm heading up to bed and she seems to be hanging out and she tells me that she was just waiting on me...she was planning on heading to bed with me. As we are about to go to sleep, W tells me that she is grumpy tonight because of job. I just reply "good night grumpy" and leave it alone.

This morning, time for ballet and the youngest daughter wants mom to watch her today. I'm thinking there is no reason she won't. I ask W - do you want to take her to ballet and she immediately says no. I'm in shock. And the D4 is disappointed and I get angry again. W notices as we are leaving and asks what is up, I tell her a half truth - tell her my neck/shoulder are all tight/sore again. W is upset now and says I should have told and she would have taken daughter. I then told the truth - said I gave you that chance and you said no, shoulder didn't tighten up till 5 minutes ago at which point it is too late for you to go. She re-iterates to me that I need to tell her these things and she will help. I re-iterate it only happened 5 minutes ago.

Come home and W is just laying in bed, watching TV, using her computer. This continues for another few hours till we decide to go to store together. W offers to give me time to myself at house...I don't want it, it was a store I've been wanting to go to in order to pick up some things I want. So we go together. W is now suddenly very friendly, happy, interacting, standing close to me, etc at the store shopping. ODD

Function tonight - as we are getting ready, suddenly the bathroom modesty is disappearing also. I don't need to post a ton of details but I noticed...in the past it is ensure no one sees each other naked or just in underwear. Not today getting ready. Another mixed signal. Also she tells me that I should drink tonight, have a few, and relax and that she will drive. I ask her if she thinks I am not relaxed, she says you are not relaxed. So I do, I have a few beers and had a good time at the function. I was proud of myself. Felt like I worked the crowd very well. Although we were sitting next to each other, I probably spent more time with others. The gal on the other side of me, I got to know and at one point W even asked me if I knew her from before and I said no, I was just being friendly and getting to know her. W's question was phrased in a manner where she thought I did know the gal from somewhere before.

When we were sitting together more mixed signals - W leans in and whispers things in my ear at least 3 or 4 times tonight and at one point had gotten her skirt wet and takes my hand to feel the skirt which is between her legs (this is more physical contact initiated by W than the last 2 weeks combined). At this point, I also put my hand on her leg and give her an affectionate squeeze and don't get a negative reaction.

As we are leaving, W is having a hard time in heels on ice/snow. I offer my arm for balance and she is refusing, trying to tough it out without having to hold onto me. Another mixed signal-now back to the I don't need you and don't want to touch you. She finally starts falling and I grab onto her and she has to take my arm because she realizes she won't make it to the car and holds on till we get to the car.

So what I am reading into all this - nothing much. The only interesting pattern is that she is much friendlier and calm around me when we are outside the house. That is starting to become more obvious.

Also going to stay interesting as some friends of ours are insisting that they are sending W and I to dinner within next 45 days without the kids to say thanks to us and they won't take no for an answer....

Got to stop letting her indifference to the kids bother me...that one is tough on me because it is tough on them

[gutwrenching]

Now I do have a question - I realize most will not read the long post above. But the one thing is the W didn't want to take D4 to ballet (W has taken daughter to ballet once in the last 3 months). This upset the daughter. Now a few minutes ago, D4 wakes up crying. This has been pretty common, probably 4 nights a week. Tonight I was able to get out of D4 what she was crying about...she was obviously dreaming, but she tells me that she wants mommy to take her to ballet. WOW. So - do I tell the W? Or is this going to seem like pursuit/control or possibly backfire?

W asked me what she was crying about, and for tonight, all I said was that it was something about ballet...W doesn't even look up from facebook and says I have no idea. I then leave the room...

[Lost Rabbit]

Ok I did read the above post although I did have to have several coffee breaks lol!

I just dont get why she doesnt interact with the girls, ok I know its her fog thing but Im with you and dont get it, and I can totally understand your frustration. I do think that (assuming you did tell the girls) you dont tell them when mum is coming home, she is still too unreliable to get them excited about a movie night and then her not show up. Just a thought presume ballet is every saturday as with most little girls, so on thursday ask W is she planning to take littlun to ballet on saturday as she really would like her mum to see how she is getting on, set friday eve for her to let you know, then no show down on saturday and also you can let D down gently before hand and not it be she suddenly realises mum dont want to go and watch her just as she is getting excited about going herself. Do like the way you intermated that your stressed neck was due to her lol!

Shes a tough nut your missus, but I suppose being in the military thats a given.. She really is swinging about in her emotions atm, so best advice is to steer clear, another thought I do wonder (well more like I know) if her over affection was due to you talking to another woman, personally I so wouldnt have put my hand on that soggy skirt she was just checking that you still had the hots for her (cake eating) I do think this week you need to go out more, its about time you got that icecream mate, and you need more cologne and a new shirt this week too! Rattle her from a distance, I find backing off and going quiet seems to work far more effectively than making a song and dance about it like I used too, calm quiet reflection. Just chalk all the good bits up to minute baby steps and keep going.. Huge ((())) because I know how wearing this is on all of you heart mind and soul, but your girls need you so do it for you and them and let W sort herself out in her own good time.

[Lotus]

My feeling is that all this time at work is not entirely work, some of it is contacting OM. And I think OM is cooling. Perhaps he feels that the fun of talking to her is not worth the fear that you will be telling his wife what's going on. As she gets rejected by him, she goes into a funk and withdraws from family life. And I think she is testing to see if she can re-interest you in a sexual relationship.

As for ballet, yes, tell her the little one is crying because she wants Mom to take her to ballet. Rabbit's plan, above, sounds good. It is not pursuing to keep her informed of things the kids tell you. Why doesn't the little one tell Mommy herself? I can't see how asking a mother to be involved with her children is pursuing.

[gutwrenching]

Lost - I so appreciate you always being there to talk to me and help me from across the ocean. I have learned not to tell the girls when mom is coming home, except this Friday, I mean when she offering to pick up the pizza, I thought it was safe. WOW. And I don't get it at all...because she gets so upset when she misses everything and then other times avoids the opportunities. I can handle the rollercoaster but it isn't fair to the kids. I'll have to look for some opportunities this week for new things. Got any ideas - throw them my way

Currently wife is at emergency room with older daughter who seems to have a nasty ear infection. W offered to go, I said fine, I'll stay here with younger one. Younger one threw a fit again about not getting to spend time with mom, and the opportunity arose to mention the dream...I did it casually...said something like I don't know last night she is waking crying dreaming about who is going to take her to ballet and now this. That got a reaction - big facial expression - she knew darn well what that was about. W just called, classic ear infection as suspected, amazingly quick trip, W now trying with girls, talked to younger one on phone and is off to get donuts for her.

Lotus - contact with OM--I'm with you on not entirely being work related and boy I hope you are right about things cooling I suspect there is still contact, but I can't prove anything and I have really throttled back trying to almost nothing at this point. If they are communicating like I suspect, then it is thru on-line chats that I couldn't trace, probably mostly on Iphone and some on her laptop.

Or, she could have purchased another pay as you go phone. I have the old one, and this weekend she put the car/wall chargers on the counter where I normally put my stuff. not a word about them...and to this point I've ignored them too. Before the weekend is over, I'll probably collect them if she doesn't say something about them. I have no idea what to make of her handing over the chargers like that-she said she would, just odd on how and the timing. Obviously, based on timing, they were being kept at work.

[Lost Rabbit]

GW your more than welcome hun! Ive made lots of good friends on here and its always nice to give back..

Well your girls seem to be getting W to toe the line better than you lol, although I do think an ear infection is a bit far to go, but its good W took her I'd take that as a baby step, and the fact you picked up on little daughters need to be with mum was well handled.

Think Lotus might be onto something about OM being the cause of all the swinging emotions lately, she is definitely testing the water with you. She could be like this for a while so you may have to grit your teeth and keep at it, it does seem that it wouldnt go or look well for OM if he pursued this R and although it sounds callous hes probably had his bit of fun and is now moving on fingers crossed, unfortunately your W is going to be truely p*ssed at this and may well go through a really grumpy unco-operative stage. Will have a think on things to do and get back to you!

[gutwrenching]

Interesting afternoon. Very peaceful, W was reading book most of day, I did a little reading (5 LL book--wow I should have read that book a couple of years ago), little of this, little of that. Time for ski lesson for D3. I go to W and say who is taking her. W says if you are asking me, then no I don't want too. I'm sure she was anticipating that I would say ok. I didn't. I said I don't want to either. I suggested we play rock/paper/scissors to see who would take her (pulling trick from the past, something we hadn't done in a long time to solve a minor issue). W lost, I'm at home, W is pissed. Feels strange to not give in which has been my tendency just to avoid making her angry, but have finally realized too much cake eating...and now I'll just have to deal with the likely fallout rest of the day from another mood swing and losing the calm/relaxing day.

As she left, I did ask her why are you so angry. She said because she didn't realize how late it was and she should have left 20 minutes sooner. Not sure I believe that, don't really care. I wanted to call her out on anger over doing things with the kids and if her answer was true, well maybe she can think about being a little more responsible these days, instead of leaving it all to me.

[gutwrenching]

And not the fallout. W comes back from ski lessons and is very pissed. I have no idea why. She immediately asks me if I had been looking at her computer, which I hadn't so I told her so. She then madly tells me she wants me to leave the room, I ask what have I done today to piss her off so bad, and she says she doesn't want to talk about things. She is hiding something, holding back, I don't know. I stomped out of the room, I didn't deserve an attack like that. I told her I can't possibly think of one thing I did today to deserve this kind of reaction and then I left. No I didn't keep my cool, I didn't yell, but I didn't let it go - no reason for me to be treated that way.

[Lotus]

This is not good. She is hiding something, and it has to do with the computer. My guess is she had plans to talk to someone on the internet this afternoon. And you forced her to do something else. If it isn't OM, then it is OM2.