mb28, that was an interesting interaction and I feel for you. I know that an interaction like that would send me wild with hope, but I see PDT's point about the dangers involved. I think the most important thing is to be grounded in your own center tomorrow. Be in a place where he can't make you wobble, regardless of whether your interaction is running warm or cold. Keep your dignity. Cultivate the aura: "I love you and your problem is your own problem to fix". I wonder if feeling that really strongly inside yourself would show that you can be warm and strong, dignified, and full of self-respect. Maybe say that a bunch of times to yourself to reinforce the mindset. He's made some bad choices. It's entirely up to him to start making good ones.
I wish you much luck tomorrow. You can totally make your frame of mind work for you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
mb28, please follow Puppy's advice. I found that when I was strong and made a stand with BF he wavered. Then he was nice, I reciprocated, and he ran back to OW. When I made the decision that he would leave the house--he did not have a choice in the matter--that proved I was serious about my boundaries.
Yes, he did move in with OW. It lasted all of one month before he told me he wanted another chance.
There is no guarantee in DBing, but I believe your best chance lies in following the route on which Puppy is guiding you. I did and not only did I figure out what I wanted out of my life but BF decided that he wanted to take that journey with me.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I realize it's counter-intuitive, but DBing is highly counter-intuitive. Let's face it, our "usual" way of doing things got us all into our messes in the first place!
MB, you have to reach a mindset of "It's not my job to make you feel better about your poor and selfish decisions." People in affairs try to, sadistically, use their betrayed spouse to soothe themselves and assuage their guilt. That's not your job.
Thank you everyone. I will keep my emotions in check today. If H starts R talk, should I stop it or let him talk? We are probably going to do something with the kids, so I don't think there will be any talk about us. But just in case, I'm not sure if I should allow that or not.
When do I set the boundry of NC with OW? Do I wait until he tells me he wants to work on the M?
I will be strong today.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
K, I'm meeting my H for coffee at 5. Not sure what to say, I think I will let him do most of the talking. Is it ok for me to say to him "I'm really uncomfortable about you and this OW's friendship"? Or should I not say anything like that until or if he tells me he wants to work on the M?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Noooooo!!!! Since when did his affair become a "friendship?"
Since when did "I will not share my husband with another woman" become "I'm uncomfortable"???
You just LISTEN. If he tries to say they're "just friends," then put up your hand in a "STOP" position and say "Please stop it. We both know you're lying right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful."
Period.
I hope you read this in time, before you talk to him.
Puppy dog, Thank you, I will do exactly what you say. And yes, I know he is lying. That is what he tried to tell me yesterday, "were just friends, I wish she was a guy, so this would be no big deal". I knew he was lying though
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Do the "stop" technique, and say EXACTLY the words I suggest above. If need be (if he persists with the "just friends" thing, or anything else you KNOW FOR A FACT is a lie), repeat it a second time.
If he STILL persists, and lies to your face a third time, GET UP AND END THE CONVERSATION, saying "When you are ready to stop lying to me, and speak to me calmly and truthfully, we can continue this conversation. I think I deserve at least that much. We're done for now."
Puppy, Thank you so much for all your help. Meeting went well, mostly let him do all the talking. He told me that he just didn’t see how we could get past our problems and be happy again. I did tell him that I would like to work on the M, but that as long as OW was in the picture; there was NO chance of R. He informed me that if we decided to work on M, that he would cut all contact with her.
I’m hoping that exposing A to OWH tomorrow will help speed this no contact along.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
