how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

just got home...spent last night at my parents' place and spent some well-needed time with my girlfriends today.

the apartment is so...empty. i can't bring myself to open his closet. he left me a note that said he was in so much pain and he didn't know what the right and wrong thing to do was...that he didn't know if separating was the answer but given our history he felt it was his only choice. i don't know what that means...but still no legal papers have been brought up.

he also said he loved me in his letter...but he didn't know if that was enough to sustain a strong marriage. i don't even know what to say to that...obviously, the answer is nothing. i'll wait for him to reach out to me, but...i just walked in the door and i'm already overwhelmed with loneliness.

the revered at my church today talked about change and liberation...how only by accepting and embracing change and by letting go can we truly set ourselves free. that was a hard sermon to sit through. of course i fear change. i fear not having my H in my life anymore. by letting this go, my hope is that we could come back together and build something even better than we had before, and i know we could do it, because i have the faith...but i don't know where he is in his head on that. i don't want the marriage we used to have. i want something stronger and deeper. but i do want it with him.

so...he loves me, he's hurting, he's in pain, he doesn't know the answer. i know i need to spend this week focusing on myself and by opening my heart and accepting change into my life, i know that i can only move forward and not back. and that's all i can ask for right now, i suppose.