Fast track to her divorcing me

[Cadet]

Just read through your sich real fast and I can really relate to your whole deal.

For what it is worth I think your W is in a MLC. Menopause certainly contributes to it. Depression is the real key. There may NOT be any OM/OP. My W appears to have none. Just a burning desire to end our M and blame me for everything. I am not perfect but I think she went off the deep end. I have been running into more and more people at this age that has the same deal.

I find it interesting that you D so FAST.
I'll check up on you again.

[g450]

OldPilot, This is exactly where my thoughts are also.
She is just off the deep end.

Not divorced yet for another 10 days. All her idea, and she wanted a D ASAP.

I gave into the D because of the possibility of losing my home. The deal we made was I would agree to a civil divorce that she wanted if I got the house (paid for). I also agreed to will the house to my Son after passing. This was most important to her. I realized that having to sell and start renting would kill us both financially.

By keeping the house I not only ensure my own survival alone but I also will have a home for HER to come HOME too if she ever considers reconciliation. It could be that she now understands this and what forcing me to sell our home would do to both of us.

She claimed that the only reason why she is surrendering the deed to me is to ensure that I do not sell so my Son can get the house later.

This was after I warned her that I would have to sell the house in a bad market IF she forced me to give her 1/2 of the market value to her under the D. Still keeping my fingers crossed on this until 9 Feb 2010.

But what has me stumped now is that she seems to want to be friends. and spend time with me. I just dont know.

[g450]

On a brighter note:

The ever popular divorce diet coupled with a meager amount of exercise is working wonders for me.

2Sep2009 - Vacation with her I weighed 252 lbs.

Bomb droped around Thanksgiving. Didnt eat much needless to say but now my appetite is back.

1Jan2010 - I was down to 220 lbs. I kid you not.

Today 31Jan2010 I am down to 212 lbs.

Still have my gutt though so I guess I need to add some sittups to my walking / running.

[chatterbug]

Hey G. You sound like your in a better place than the middle of December.

I do not understand the lets just be friends thing. To me its all or nothing. So what have you been tracking that works and does not work ?

Do you have an end date in line or are you going to wait this whole thing out ???

[g450]

Yeah the friendship thing has me wondering about her motives.

But in my case I am believing now that there may not be an OM.
She is probably just a WAW burned out on our marriage and I was too blind to see it. If true then my going dark approach may not be the best one but Im still learning. I will treat it as I see it unless I see evidence otherwise.

She is still protective of her phone and PC so there still may be a long distance EA. Not confirmed.

But mind you that I have the key to where she lives (Son's Home but all three of us on Note, Son lives with me now). She has not asked for my key and she retains the key to My home as well. It's kind of like a Mexican Standoff in that neither of us want to go back to the way things were four weeks ago as it wasnt pretty. And a W thas is cheating will not give you access to her home AFAIK so I lost a lot of my prev insecurity realizing that.

Why is she getting interested in being with me and talking with me more? I can only guess but it started after we were separated for a few weeks.

Its either:

a)She is reconsidering the D. Least probably. Too early for that and she is still keeps me at arms length. To be expected as its D-Day -9 days away now.

b)She could simply be using me which is likely. And if I come to that conclusion I will stop being receptive to her calls etc.

c)She could honestly want me as a friend (most likely sitch).

Or

d)She's bored?

Probably a little of b c and d combined.

I have impoved my myself greatly after she moved out and it shows. While she was there I did all the typical LBS whining etc. Almost 180 now with a few slips now and then. I think this is part of the reason for her being more interested. I just thought this would take much longer than 3 weeks of separation so Im stumped.

What do I want? My wife back. Would I settle as a friend? Maybe, I think you have to be friends before you can move on to R so I see it as a good thing for now.

Now if she decides later to get a boyfiend or one majically pops up in the next few months then that would change everything because it would be obviouse she planned that. No going back after that AFAIAC. Just how I feel right now. But like others here you never know how you will feel 6months -3 years from now.

I have no end date. Right now time is all I have. Dont want to date other women till after divorce some time (if ever). I see her wanting to be friendly to me as a good thing right now as it will allow me to DB and show more 180s etc.

Honestly I have dated one woman recently but we are just friends. Not a real date. We just support each other. Its not an EA or anything like that. That's a whole other topic LOL.

Mind you I did finish DB and am starting DR after I finish reading Men/Mars book. And still not sure which way to go right now.

Im kind of torn as to what to do and am guarded right now. Ill just see what she does. She calls me at least once a day now. I consider these all baby steps from her and it feels good. Im meeting her in the middle. Im always open to suggestions from the vets here.

Sorry for the long winded posts. I tend to overanalize stuff.

[g450]

Damn did i just post all that nonsense LOL?

One important thing I forgot to add.

My Son is taking our divorce very personally. He blames his mother and has really allienated himself from her. Not my doing as I have told him to stay in contact and to be more civil to her etc.

So she now lives alone and her STBXH and her only Son have had little to know contact with her for three weeks.

I would think that this would wake up even the dead. Or in this case a WAW in a fog even. Makes me wonder if my Son has more to do with this than myself. He is actually a better DBer than me and hasnt even read DB/DR etc.

Another thought is that she somehouw found out about my "date" and feels like she could lose me even as a friend etc. Very unlikely though but she did have access to my cell phone. Who knows?

[g450]

Well her B-Day and Valentines day are coming up.

For her B-Day I got a small gift and plan on giving it to her with no cards or flowers and no ILY notes.

Not sure what (if anything) to do about Valentines day. Any pointers?

Talked to her today and she seemed cold and distant. She wants me to house-sit this Wed to get electrician estimate since she will be working. This is kind of messed up that I am doing this and she is being distant. OTOH I do owe her a big favor for taking me to Hopital and waiting 7hrs so I think this will even up the score. Is that the wrong way to think of this?

Note: 7 days until divorce is final.

Journaling:

She came over today to drop off my Sons mail. She seemed cold and distant when she came by for some reason.

She saw the Wedding dvd I had 2 copies made of for safe keeping. and I told her I was going to give it to her on our Wedding Anniv in July. She seemed pissed by this and said it's better you give it too me now. WTF?!? What does that mean? She took it with her after I told her it was hers.

I hate her mood swings. Sometimes she is nice and others she is cold and even nasty.

[g450]

I have to vent and journal for a bit.
It's now 8days until D-Day.

Went over to stay at her place at her request to house-sit.
Electrician never showed. Also got letter that said our final D-Hearing is on 11Feb2010. Called W to let her know.

She came home late as usual and wanted to go out to eat so we went out for Mex food. Since both her B-day, Valentines day and our D-day was coming up within days, I asked her how we were going to handle b-days, anniversaries and holidays etc after D. She said "we won't!" I asked if that meant all of them and she said yes. Guess that answeres my question.

She compared my brothers divorce to us. They were only married for a few years. We were married for 22+. I know full well that she sends b-day cards and valentines etc to friends she has not even known for two years yet. She keeps b-day lists for everybody. Yet somehow she feels she needs to erase the history of her husband of 23 years as if I and our family never existed. This was very painfull for me to
hear. You would think that 23 years would at least count for a
memory or some kind of consideration. She could tell I was upset by this even though I tried to hide it.

She dropped me off at my truck and she asked me if I was still coming out tomorrow to house-sit for her garage door installation while she was at work. Stupid question as she did not have anyone else to this for her. I said "of course, who else is going to do it?". She made the comment that it was for my Son since it was his house. Yeah, whatever!

At least now we will be even and I wont owe her a favor.

We were getting along really well but sometimes little crap like this really hurts and bothers me. Guess Im not as detached as I thought I was. And maybe Im making a mountain out of a mowhill but damn it still hurt to hear that. I feel like half my life is being erased and was all for nothing. I know I have a Son that loves me and I know better but damn that cut deep to hear from her.

We were supposed to have a movie and pizza night tomorrow but Im not sure I want to do this now. What is the point? I wanted to work on having a friendship with her but her real friends get b-day cards and other considerations. So what the hell kind of friend would I be? Because we were together for 23years and now divorced I do not rate any kind of affection or consideration?

Guess I should have went with my first instinct and stayed dark. Any ideas guys? Go grey or continue building a frienship? Just not sure which one would be best towards R at this point.

Sorry for whining. I tend to forget that her comments may just be WAW script. Rant over.

[g450]

Folks, forget what I just posted above. I sometimes get into drama-queen mode. Seems the older I get the more emotional I get. A 47 year old sometimes had the emotions of a 14 or even 4 year old.

She called me and told me she understood I was hurt. And she explained that she wanted us to be good friends and that my question was too soon. She could feel differently months or years later.

I swear, I do not know how I could handle some of the other sitches on this forum. I have it pretty good compared to the rest of you guys.

BTW, good news from the doc. My kidney stone problem seems gone but I now have to take high blood pressure meds for freaking ever, yuk. Remember, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

God I hate getting older.

[dday101798]

Ok, I didn't even finish reading all but half the 9:33 post and had to stop.

Do you enjoy being treatied like sh!t?

You get upset that you feel she doesn't recognize you as her H of 20 some years. Guess what? You are 100 percent right on. To her, you are the pit of the world. BUT, a pit she knows she can use!!!!!!!!!

Reality check her, now!!!!!!

You're not good enough to be recognized as her H of 20+ years or so? Then you ARE NOT good enough to be her house sitter, her meal ticket, ANYTHING. Getting that out in the open is the most important step to detaching my friend, and the longer you let this drag out like this, the longer it's gonna hurt you and mess with your mind, been there, done that.

If we could do profile pictures here next to our names, I'm sorry brother, but yours would have to be a very muddy door mat!

Man up!!!!!

Sorry, I swing a hard azz 2x4 sometimes.