I dunno mark. I think it might be a little bit of both. I mean I'm beginning to think more and more she used her complaints with me as an excuse rather than a reason to end the relationship. I'm starting to think she wanted to be with this guy because he somehow excited her in a way I hadnt.
Definitely, but remember that he made her feel a way she hasn't felt with you in a long time. Don't erase the past good that has been in your relationship. She needs to see that you are the person she fell in love with in the 1st place.
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
But instead of talking to me like an adult about her issues with me, showing me how much she was hurting, and giving me/us a chance to work on things, she chose to leave and destroy our family...and jumped right in with this OM.
I know in my case she tried, I ignored, then she did that as plan B. Is this possibly true in your case?
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
I am indeed very hurt and angry. But with all this happening with the OM so soon after she left me, if it wasnt already happening before, it still feels like infidelity, even if we arent together anymore. It's wrong to cheat on someone...for whatever reason.
Feels like and is are 2 different things. As much as I want my W back this is something she is going to have to learn to deal with some of the pain she's caused me. We had a 3-way sexual experience 1 night, W told me she wanted to watch, then got jealous in the middle and walked out. Since then she has been telling people I flat-out cheated & she came home to walk in on it. I asked why she had to lie & she said "cuz it felt like it". That doesn't make it so. It really hurts that she turned many of my friends against me by painting me as a lying cheater when I wasn't. This could also be tied into creating reasons to leave, see above paragraph in this reply.
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
As I said, that she could wash away the 7.5 years we had together for a much older guy who she'd known for only about 4 or so months...really shows how little she valued me.
Read up on borderline personality disorder, specifically the part about valuation/devaluation. This is true with my W, who is now engaged to her OM. They went from a MySpace introduction to engaged in 3 weeks, broke up, and are now back together again. I would have probably had her back during their breakup if I hadn't pursued the way I did.
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
So yeah...would I take her back if she came back only because the guy treated her badly? I dont know...to me that seems like being a fall back plan. It hurts to think I would be...second best.
That is a boundary I set for my W already - I won't be a "backup plan" as I called it to her. Don't pursue, you'll have better chances if you don't, and her asking you back would probably be the best thing for you to feel comfortable with rebuilding your relationship should it happen. It has been said on here before that you shouldn't tell your WAS how you feel about wanting to work out the relationship because they already know.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
I know in my case she tried, I ignored, then she did that as plan B. Is this possibly true in your case?
On some level she did...but thats why they fall into the category of WAS. She tried a little, but didnt come right out and tell me in specifics what was wrong and that we needed to sit down and work on them...then gave up trying and bided her time.
Originally Posted By: MarkG
Read up on borderline personality disorder, specifically the part about valuation/devaluation.
I have no doubt that there is something going on thats not quite right. Her own family has even said that. She had anger issues...and depression...and the depression runs int he family. So it may just be depression, it may be bi-polar, it may be borderline personality disorder. But she has refused to be seen for it on any level, depsite her even acknowledging she has some sort of problem.
After her going off on me about what happened Friday night, saying we're done she's moving on and I blew my chance...I'm very angry at both her and the OM.
I'm not really sure how to act around her now. On some level I want to lay into her and give her a piece of my mind...not only for what she's doing with the OM but for her not seeing that what happened Friday was a mistake that I regret and forgiving me. But I'm sure if I do that it will push her even further away.
At the same time...I'm hurting so badly...it feels like she's left me all over again, and so I'm asking myself if I should really be being nice to her after what she's done to me and our family?
But if I'm not nice, and I push her away, how can I expect to show her I'm the man she fell in love with and a man who's changed a lot since she left?
Of course if she doesnt want to see those changes...when the OM has her eating out of his hand...then what can I do?
I'd suggest taking the day and re-reading all of the posts you've received so far, NSW. You've gotten some great advice, and your roadmap is all in there.
You just need to decide you're going to be self-disciplined enough to follow it.
I'd suggest taking the day and re-reading all of the posts you've received so far, NSW. You've gotten some great advice, and your roadmap is all in there.
You just need to decide you're going to be self-disciplined enough to follow it.
Puppy
Puppy,
You're right...I know what I need to do...GAL, focus on me and my daughter, detach, and dont communicate with the SO unless my daughter is ill or something. It's the self discipline that usually gives me trouble.
This morning was really hard for me. My SO came over to get our daughter. My D and I were playing and so my SO sat down for a few minutes, but she and I never really talked directly to one another. Given that over the past week it seemed like we were getting closer and to then go to not speaking really tore me up inside.
I know I cant/shouldnt...but I really wanted to ask her if this was really necessary and why couldnt she just forgive me for Friday.
I still have anger at the OM for being a predator and taking advantage of the situation. As I've said, my SO did this to me once before about 5 years ago, but there wasnt a guy to swoop in and fill her void, so she had to deal with being single, and she ended up coming back to me after we spent time together. With him there, and with what happened Friday night, that isnt likely to happen.
But theres nothing I can do to split them up...anything I could do would only push them closer...again like Friday night. I wasnt trying to split them up or ruin their evening...I didnt know he was there...but it still hurt me.
Oh well...she is gonna be back with our D in about 3 hours...one more hurdle to go for the day.
You're right...I know what I need to do...GAL, focus on me and my daughter, detach, and dont communicate with the SO unless my daughter is ill or something. It's the self discipline that usually gives me trouble.
This morning was reallyhard for me. My SO came over to get our daughter. My D and I were playing and so my SO sat down for a few minutes, but she and I never really talked directly to one another. Given that over the past week it seemed like we were getting closer and to then go to not speaking really tore me up inside.
I know I cant/shouldnt...but I really wanted to ask her if this was really necessary and why couldnt she just forgive me for Friday.
I still have anger at the OM for being a predator and taking advantage of the situation. As I've said, my SO did this to me once before about 5 years ago, but there wasnt a guy to swoop in and fill her void, so she had to deal with being single, and she ended up coming back to me after we spent time together. With him there, and with what happened Friday night, that isnt likely to happen.
But theres nothing I can do to split them up...anything I could do would only push them closer...again like Friday night. I wasnt trying to split them up or ruin their evening...I didnt know he was there...but it still hurt me.
NSW, those are all feelings, and no one says you can't have them. It's HEALTHY to have them.
What you can't do is continue to ACT on them, because you're killing whatever chance you have at getting your wife back.
NSW, those are all feelings, and no one says you can't have them. It's HEALTHY to have them.
What you can't do is continue to ACT on them, because you're killing whatever chance you have at getting your wife back.
Puppy
Puppy...I think I may have had an epiphany. I have ALWAYS been an emotional guy...one of the most emotional guys someon will ever meet...not only wearing my heart but my emotions on my sleeve.
So perhaps a good 180 for me, would be not showing these emotions at all when I'm around her.
And you are right...and I think CityGirl also pointed it out...that acting on my emotions never works out right...its why I screwed up so bad Friday.
Now..here is a question: with my SO and I getting along this past week so well, I went abought a get well card for her for when she has her Wisdom teeth extracted at the end of this week. Given what happend on friday and what she said afterwards, would it be a pursuit and/or unwise to send her the get well card?
If when she got it she was still feeing as angry at me as she has been, I think the card would serve no purpose other than to annoy her. She might even throw it away without looking at it. So I'm thinking I shouldnt send it, but I wanted to see if others agreed, or thought it would be ok.
My SO came to drop off our daughter and I was upstairs folding laundry. So when they got here, she yelled "hello" to see where I was at and I said hi to our daughter. then they came up the stairs, and she asked me a question about our dauthers potty training, I responded briefly, then went on about folding the laundry.
She told our daughter bye and went back downstrairs. She yelled back up that she'd be over to get her tomorrow, and I said nothing. She left.
Was I wrong in essentially ignoring her, or did I do the right thing. It took quite a lot of strength not to look at her or engage her in conversation...but was it right?
Or should I have been more "hi how are you?". I know you can "catch more flies with honey...", and my being nice to her was what got good positive responses before...but now Friday has happened.
But should I wait this out before trying anything positive with her? Maybe see if she makes the first move in being positive so as to not push?
A "get well" card is a common courtesy, as is answering people when they are speaking to you.
Detaching doesn't mean "being an ass."
You are swinging wildly from one extreme to the other. Treat her like you would a roommate, or the mail carrier. That's a good rule-of-thumb (would you not respond to the mail carrier if she was speaking to you?).
I think the card is okay, but nothing mushy or romantic -- just a simple acknowledgment.
