Well, tomorrow is Feb 1. I guess our 6 months are about up, from W filing in August. Not that we're close to settlement.
No fighting this week. I think the therapist appt on Monday did help us stand down.
W called me Monday right after 5:00, sounded like she was having a breakdown; the kids were giving her a hard time, she was having a hard to coping. I went to the house, took over, fed the kids, got everything situated while she pulled herself together. She seemed grateful for it. She said at one point, it seems like you're mad at me... so I smiled and said, no I'm just tired.
W has always been hyper-sensitive to my moods, and the internalizes it, as if it's something she's doing. I think this has been a consistent problem in our marriage, it causes unnecessary tension. So she still is.
Anyway, work has been tough - of course, work has always been tough... I'm an engineering manager at a microelectronics company that has a reputation for chewing people up and spitting them out. Well, of course, this has been another problem in our marriage, the demands of this job. Ended up crying in a bathroom stall Thursday evening. That's embarrassing to admit. And it's not that work's hard, or I had a hard day; it's really dealing with what I seem to have given up for a stupid job that, honestly, just takes. I've given my emotional resources to dealing with the stupid job over these past years. I do think that my W has greater needs than a lot of women - not to blame - it's just that, I haven't been able to find balance.
Friday we went to see the therapist that's going to see the kids, and that seemed to go well. As we were driving back, said that she could tell my "downer vibe" as I was still stressing about work.
I had plans to go see some friends' band play Friday night, W asked me to come over beforehand to see the kids. I was really tired, and I think she was expecting me to not go. She was feeling crappy (cycle had started), and had laid down with me on the couch. Wanted me to put my hand on her lower back, then wanted me to put her hand on her lower belly to help with the cramps. Then she said, "this isn't appropriate...", and I though, damn right, and got up. When I told her I was still going out, she seemed surprised at the disappointment she felt. So yeah, I went, stayed out until 1:00. The next day, when I told her I'd "talked to people" there (women), she said she still feels very possessive of me.
So, I picked up the boys. This is supposed to be a weekend to herself, as per the therapist. We were at Boarders when she called and asked if we should all go to the movies. So we did. She put her head on my shoulder for a little bit, held my hand for a little bit.
I have to admit, I don't get that little thrill when she wants to do these things anymore. I don't feel like, OH, here's a sign things are turning around. I must admit to being mildly annoyed. I told her at one point, you're using me to get your emotional boosts. I think I actually said that to her Friday too, you're using me to just feel better. Glad I got up. She apologized later, for if I found it inappropriate. I just kind of shrugged.
She doesn't have a whole lot to do on her own. She went to Starbucks and Costco on Saturday, I guess. Don't know what she's doing today. This morning, the boys are just reading. No TV here. If we were at the house, I'd kick them out into the yard. But a down day is OK.
Collected more papers. We have a consultation for mediation tomorrow, so putting together the data that was requested. Also have another therapy appointment tomorrow.
I guess I don't trust to feel anything about it. I feel tired of the back-and-forth, so maybe I'm becoming numb to it.
The other thing, W has decided she can't afford the house, and has suggested that I keep it. And that the boys live there, keeping their home. I'm trying to decide if that's a good idea - selling the house would be a pain in the neck. But - if I have to buy out her equity, that's a whole lot of our other investments I'd have to give up. Lots of house, no money. Plus need to figure out what support will be, for monthly expenses. Need to think on that one.
Regarding the dating comments - recall that I had dated last fall, after I confronted W about lying to me and sleeping with OM, and told her I was completely done and walking away, and gave her my wedding ring back. Well, I made the mistake of going out with a mutual friend. At the time, we had both questioned if it was a good idea, and had determined to tell W (but didn't). It ended largely because of all the surrounding weirdness, she in talking to W she thought that we were going to reconcile, didn't want to stand in the way of that, was frustrated that I was still living in the same house with W and she "didn't want to share", etc. It had gotten too serious too quickly, and had gotten weird. Anyway, since last fall she and W have gotten closer - and W still doesn't know. Somehow, that bothers me, that W regards her as such a good friend while she's keeping this secret. Anyway, putting this down now, because Friday night we all went to a school function, and it was awkward, as W and I were there with the twins, and she was right next to us with her triplets. (yes, I know.)
In therapy, W said one of the things that got her attention, regarding her certainty about D, was her reaction to me dating. She did not expect to feel so intensely about it as she did.
In therapy, she C said we should not be dating anyone right now, and asked us each what's going on. I said, nope. W said that she still talks to OM but hasn't seen him, and he's moving to a different state. Whatever; I don't trust anything she says about it.
