Flushing the toxins from my life

[rr22]

I don't have any videos, but yes I am cursed with only wanting WAS and not being able to imagine it will ever be different. I had part of a dream one night about it that reduced me to the sobbing mess you speak of. So if it's any consolation, I guess it's normal.

[CountingCrows]

Journaling:

Doing better today. Everything is still covered in snow outside. S7 has his friend over, playing Raving Rabbids on the Wii. Their laughs and cackles from the living room make me smile. I'm doing laundry/housecleaning, getting ready for another week of work. Still haven't heard anything from W since Wednesday. It's been one week today since she last saw or spoke to S7. I've been dark since Thursday evening.

[Awoken]

I'm just checking in with you CC. I hope you are well.

[nikblondiew]

CC....it's tough we all have needs...I'm in a drought too...we have needs that we want met. It's normal I think. Very hard.
How are you doing this week?

[iwantittowork]

..it's tough we all have needs...I'm in a drought too...we have needs that we want met. It's normal I think. Very hard.

Indeed these can be tough, but if you feel your are 'missing' something or someone else will fill a need that you feel you can't, you are not in the proper place.

It's ironic that when we feel the neediest, the most lost, the most alone without someone, that is truly the time we need to be alone, to work on ourselves.

It is when we are strong, confident, and happy with ourselves that the best R can happen.

You'll get through these stages, it takes time. Be compassionate with yourself at these times, don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, but accept that you do, and look to what you can do on your own to help make yourself the best you, that you can be.

[CountingCrows]

Doing O.K. this week. Not great, but O.K. Still grappling with my emotions, which still tend to overwhelm me at least once a day.

This evening after work, I finally got W to sign the temporary order that she's been avoiding for weeks now. I'll take the papers to the lawyer in the morning to be filed. This will prevent us from having to go to second hearing next Wednesday, and pave the way for the final decree to be written up/filed. Mixed feelings about the D, but much relief over knowing that we don't have to go back to court and have a judge make decisions for us regarding support/custody of S7. I will retain sole custody of him, and I will work with W to make sure that she has fair and frequent visitation. We will also work together like the adults we are to divide up our household property in a civil manner, without need for the court to get involved. I understand that she has placed a lot of trust in me, by signing this order without any legal representation, and I won't betray this trust.

Wife is doing pretty poorly. She really looked like hell today when I visited her at work. The stress she's been under has caused a flare-up of a staph infection she sometimes fights (this time it's on her face). She's lost so much weight that her clothes just hang off of her (she was almost a little chubby last year when she moved out). She's still not found a decent job that she can support herself with. She's working only 10-12 "pick-up" hours a week at the dry cleaners that laid her off a month ago. She hasn't seriously attempted to find another job, as she simply doesn't feel capable of doing anything else right now.

Mentally, W is REALLY unstable and doesn't know what to do with herself. She is really struggling with what she has done with her life and how she has destroyed our family and marriage. Due to lack of funds, she has discontinued appointments with her IC, and is only going to her psychiatrist each month for her meds. Outside of a small handful of friends, she has absolutely no support system. She's so ashamed of who/what she has become and just wants to curl up and die. She hasn't seen or spoken to S7 in 11 days now. More than once she's admitted that she is very close to committing herself to a in-house psychological center. Personally, I don't think that would be a bad idea at this point, particularly while she still has the insurance to cover most of the cost.

As I was clearing some of W's stuff out of my bedroom this past weekend, I found a book of hers called I Hate You - don't leave me. It's a guide to understanding borderline personality disorder. She had purchased it a few years ago and apparently highlighted passages throughout the book. Reading through the book this week, with her emphasis on certain portions gave me a new insight to her illness. I now realize that she isn't simply bi-polar. I truly believe that she's full-fledged borderline personality with bi-polar thrown in just for "fun". She's a strong match for all 8 of the criteria for BPD. It covers her feelings of chronic emptiness/boredom, her impulsive acts (self-mutilation, sexual promiscuity, drug abuse, shopping sprees), her negative self-image and many more of the traits that I've previously attributed to bi-polar disorder.

Although I'm gaining a better understanding of the nature of my W's mental illness, I am still unwilling to allow it to be an excuse for what she has done. She's still responsible for her actions and has to face the consequences of them. However, it does help me somewhat by allowing me to reject some of the guilt and responsibility for her feelings that I've turned towards myself post-bomb. I'm by no means perfect. I have my faults and flaws, just like everyone. But I'm realizing that I have been allowing self-blame in some areas that I shouldn't have. I have rescheduled my IC appointment that I had to cancel due to bad weather, and will be starting with them next Wednesday to see if they can help me cope with this depressed stage I've been in for weeks now.

I've been friendly and even loving in my interactions with W, but I'm continuing to detach as best I can. I really DO still love her and I'm very concerned about her, but I have to consider myself and S7 as my highest priorities right now. I think I've finally found a counselor for S7 to work with. He's been having problems "acting out" in school lately, which I believe is related to his inability to express his feelings of what's going on. Maybe he can be more forthcoming with someone outside of our family...who he doesn't have worry about upsetting or "hurting feelings".

GAL still seems to be the hardest part for me right now. Being a single Dad is beyond a full-time job, and with me just getting my career back on track (signed my formal job offer for permanent employment at my company yesterday), it's been a real juggle to simply take care of him, myself, our pets and our house. Not a lot of "me" time in there right now.

Luckily, I still have lots of support from several great friends and my family has been wonderful, although all dealing with drama/issues in their own lives. I'm just holding on for the ride (my S7 in my lap), knowing that better days are ahead and that we only have to face them one at a time (thank God!).

[Awoken]

Hey CC,

I'm glad your W finally signed the temp papers. It's relief you greatly deserve.

I admire the concern you express for your W, and her future. You're a good man CC.

Still this is even better:

However, it does help me somewhat by allowing me to reject some of the guilt and responsibility for her feelings that I've turned towards myself post-bomb. I'm by no means perfect. I have my faults and flaws, just like everyone. But I'm realizing that I have been allowing self-blame in some areas that I shouldn't have.

I think this is a healthy directions for you. I'm sure you've been working on it for a while, but it's good to see you post it "outloud".

Be the way, I think being a single father and your new job is great GAL stuff.

[patpat]

Hey CC

I think you have lovingly detached. I see and feel your strength. It is an inspiration to me. I have finally read thru your sitches. I have been at it all morning. I am amazed how far you have traveled in this unwanted journey but will follow your lead.

I know you have little time for yourself... it is always the case. But my friend, you must make the time for you. You have support from family and friends. They are their for you. USE THEM!

GAL'ing is where you will eventually find your laugther again. Meet people, and create new adventures for yourself and child.

I, myself, have come a long way... yet I see in you one thing I have been lacking... and that is strength.

Strength to endure and move forward; fighting thru the hurt and pain. I hope you stay here on this board. You have so much to offer others as I see that all of us here can learn from you...

I will pray for you and fam....

Look forward to talking to you again...

Stay strong my friend, stay focused and God Bless you!

[CountingCrows]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Awoken and patpat. Funny how of all things I believe about myself right now, strength hadn't really crossed my mind. I still feel so weak, particularly with being able to keep myself together emotionally. Yet when stepping back a bit, I realize that I've taken on a huge amount of pain and responsibility, and I'm surviving...thriving even in some areas of my life. I have found strength that I didn't realize I even had through these trying times. I've found it from God, from my family, from my friends and from this forum. I'm so very grateful to have a support system like mine. It pains me to imagine my W's situation, where 3 of those 4 sources of strength are missing, and one is not acknowledged.

Lovingly detached is my goal...but I still feel very far from there right now.

Journaling:

Today, I spent 5 hours with W attending a state-mandated seminar on the effects of D on children. Based on W's history of avoidance and chronic tardiness, I talked her into letting me pick her up at 8am from her apartment and riding there with me, so she wouldn't come up with any excuse to avoid showing up. Certificates from this class for both of us are mandatory before Decree can be filed. I'm glad I did this, as W's vehicle is shared with roommate, who had to work during the seminar today. It would have definitely been the "excuse" she needed to miss the session. This could have drawn out the process even longer (costing me even more $$ I can't afford).

To say that it was a emotional ride was an understatement. First of all, it made me more thankful than ever that I can still have a civil relationship with W, despite our problems. There were many couples there who had to sit on opposite sides of the large lecture hall (there were approx. 100 people in attendance). At one point they asked for hands to be raised identifying current R status as the couples went through the D process. We were in a minority (<25%) who would characterize theirs as civil/friendly". The remaining 75% fell into the moderate to hostile range. There were some really p1ssed off people in there, and some were quite verbal about it. I'm so thankful that despite the fact that we haven't used a mediator, our proceedings haven't turned us into enemies, particularly in regards to S7.

For the duration of the well-presented seminar, W and I sat next to each other, much of the time holding hands or touching legs/feet. We still have so much love between the two of us, yet so much preventing us from making this M work. Although W has rarely been mentally stable enough to step up and be anything more than a occasional "visit" for S7 since she left, she does still love/care for him as much as she's capable of. The curriculum of the course was quite good and struck a common chord between W and I, as we both want the best for S7. Lots of non-verbal communication (squeezes/head-nods/winks) between us as they spoke of D's effects on children, proper methods to handle crisis, ways to talk to kids about feelings, ways to reduce their anxiety and fears, etc. Can't say I made it through all 5 hours without my eyes welling up at least a couple of times, but I think I hid it well.

During the 2 breaks, we retreated outside in the cold to my car, where she would smoke (I've made it 4+ weeks now without a cig!) and we discussed some of things talked about in the session. I know that she is deeply thankful that I am such a good father, and she thinks that I'm doing a great job raising S7 under these difficult circumstances. She acknowledges the pain that she has caused me and S7 and is deeply remorseful. She insists that she will get herself more together soon and step up to be more of a supporting co-parent than she's been since we separated. I have no doubt of her intentions, but I'll wait to see actions instead of words when it comes to her participation.

On our drive back to her apartment after the seminar, I told her that I was trying really hard to leave the past behind and live in the present. There's no way that either of us can go back and change our decisions or actions. We can only learn from our mistakes and move forward with our lives. She said that she does still love me very much. She said that if she didn't, I wouldn't affect her the way I do. I asked her "In what way have I affected you? I didn't realize that I had.". She said that the reason she had avoided signing the papers for so long was that it terrified her to face the finality of ending our M and giving up our family as she knew it. I admitted that I really missed the family we once had and that I still want her to be a part of S7's and my life. I just don't know what role that she'll play in our future. She is talking again about going back to school, which I encourage. I believe that the self-esteem and independence that would come from following through with a life-plan such as college and a eventual career could go a long way towards "healing" her. I also think that if she can just get past the talking stage to the doing stage, it will help a lot as well.

Trying my best to box up and protect this love for her. There may come a day when I can pull it out and use it again. If not, it can't be bad to always hold onto some love for the mother of your precious child.

[CountingCrows]

Hey CC

I know you have little time for yourself... it is always the case. But my friend, you must make the time for you. You have support from family and friends. They are their for you. USE THEM!

GAL'ing is where you will eventually find your laugther again. Meet people, and create new adventures for yourself and child.

I know you're right about this, Andy. I would normally have my parents step up and give me some "me time", but my Mom has been in and out of the hospital for the past few weeks and hasn't really been up to watching a 7yo (she has MS). I have been leaning on some friends lately...one came over and watched S7 while I went to seminar this morning, but unfortunately that wasn't exactly a fun GAL thing.

How am I gonna keep myself away from me?

This line from Counting Crows (the band) used to run through my head a lot in the early days of our separation. Now, I'm finally getting more used to be being with me...alone. Although I'm tied to the house nearly every night, once S7's bedtime hits around 9pm, I do try and relax a bit. I probably spend too much time online, but I also have been doing some reading (actual novels, not just self-help stuff), still slowly getting my master bathroom remodeled, playing guitar, sketching and building some new computers for various home use. Sometimes the lonelies hit, and I'll talk with friends/family on the phone.

This time alone doesn't give me the social interaction that I need to forge new friendships and definitely doesn't give me near enough opportunities for laughter that I also need (online/sms ROFL, LOL and even spewmtndewoutmynoseontokeyboard don't count...even if they help sometimes). However, it does help me break away from feeling dependent on others for my own happiness...and keeps me from going totally insane in a very quiet house each night.

Can't wait until the days get longer and warmer, so S7 and I can get outdoors more...to the park, the nature preserve, the zoo. We're doing quite a bit indoors now, but I'm ready for some fresh air!