This is the first post I have made for about 7 months or so. Basically, my story - WAW had an affair (I think) but never been able to prove it. No mediation, no counselling - she was done with me. Two children D11 and S7.
It has been a year since the bomb and I am still very depressed, lonely and unsure of the future. Our divorce hearing is in a months time and then it is all over, 15 years done and finished. I was told my wife is now dating somebody which felt like a knife going into me, she has stopped all contact with me, only through lawyers. When I go to pick the children up she opens the door from behind it so that I cannot see her, the children comes out and she closes the door.
she is very angry as I occupy the marital home while her and the children live with her parents. Up until recently I had been told I was an unfit father who should just go away and leave her and the children alone, the worst things somebody can say to you, and this had been going on for over a year.
Everything has now stopped as I think her mind is now on her new relationship. She did not even give me the opportunity to discuss my daughters options for her new school which is disgraceful. I have since instructed my lawyer to write a letter telling her to include me in all aspects of the childrens future.
The thing that baffles me the most is that I never gambled, drunk or womanised in all our time together, yet she treats me as though I was the one who asked for a divorce.
I received some great posts from seasoned people here who said she was just trying to justify her reasons for ending our marriage by blaming this on me. Is this still the case after all this time? She does not want to even give me a fair part of a possible house sale to re-start my amd our childrens lives - why is she still behaving like this?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I'm sure you've been told this, but sorry you are here. Great place for advice and to vent.
The seasoned folks who gave you advice are correct. And I am living that same scenario, like many others here. And you just have to recognize it for what it is - the WAS is conflicted about walking away (they know it's wrong, or not justified, but they have made the decision to leave), so it is human nature to resolve that internal conflict to bring themselves peace. So, the LBS becomes the one who failed, who didn't do this, that or the other, who was a bad spouse or parent. And, yes, they DO make things up in their minds they truly believe.
Look up concepts online called "cognitive dissonance" and "cognitive distortion." You will find they explain a lot of your WAW's behavior.
Now, all of us LBS have some part to play in our M's getting where they are. So,we must look at ourselves and determine what needs to change. No one is perfect. But, we can, and obviously need to, improve.
As gut wrenching as it is in the end, we only truly control ourselves. Not the WAS or anyone else. Process the emotions that come along with that, then let go of what you cannot control. You don't control your WAW's decisions. You only control how you react to them.
And along those lines, it is natural to ask what your W is thinking and why she is doing something. But, it is a waste of your time, emotion and energy. Chances are, SHE may not know. Probably doesn't. So let it go. Also, ask yourself this question. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Don't you deserve better? And, does SHE deserve YOU? Have enough self respect to realize you deserve better.
On the depression issue, first, you need to see a counselor. It has helped me, and it will help you. Second, pick up a book called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It really changed the way I think about things, and it helped me keep from falling into depression. And I think it is very easy to fall into depression under these circumstances.
You are right on many things and I have beat myself up over what I could/should have done differently, but if you are not told there are issues in your marriage then how can you try to resolve them?
I like your question about whether I would want to be with somebody who treats me like this, and to be honest I deserve better than that. I want to love and be loved, have open communication and try to put into practice all that I have read and heard here.
Thank you for the advice on couselling. I have previously seen cousellers and may well start again, just to vent.
I miss my children very much but we do have a great time when they are here.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
You sound exactly like me and what I have been through. There is some comfort in that.
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You are right on many things and I have beat myself up over what I could/should have done differently, but if you are not told there are issues in your marriage then how can you try to resolve them?
I was not told of any issues before the bomb. Understand that no one is perfect and there is no perfect marriage or relationship. We are all human and, thus, we ALL have flaws.
Another thing I have come to realize after changing myself for the better, becoming a better friend, husband and father over the last 9 months since the bomb, is that if I changed myself, and, as my W has told me, "nothing's changed" with regard to her decision to D me, then I have much less to do with what "caused" W to want a D than I previously thought or what W has convinced herself of.
In short, I have come to realize that the majority of the reason my W sees D as the only option is she is unhappy with her life. She thinks I am the reason she is unhappy, but she's wrong. And only time and seperation from me will show her that. It's sad that my family will be torn apart for her to learn this lesson, IF she ever does. But, I have the peace of knowing that, unlike my W, I did everything I could to save our M and family. If my best wasn't good enough, then the problem wan't ME. It's HER.
It seems amazing to me in how so many us seem to be part of the same script.
I feel I have changed but my W does not. She said I was so like my father who is from the 'old school' - very black and white, quite chauvanistic and has a short fuse. I, more often than not have ignored the terrible things my W has written and said, which I believe has made her even more angry because I have not reacted the way my father would have.
The times I have responded has resulted in terrible 'text arguments' which do not achieve anything and gives my W 'reason' for wanting a D in the 'I told you so' vein.
I believe you are right about this being more about her than me. She is 41 and obviously felt her life was too domesticated and boring, she told me months ago me she gets lot of attention and offers, which even now is very hurtful to here. She also told me it was a BRAVE decision to make which I found unbelievable. To me, it is one of the most SELFISH things you can do, and like you I would loved to have sat down with my W and discuss everything that was wrong and discuss solutions to our issues, but sadly that time never happened.
The one thing I find incredible and I don't know if this is script, but when she dropped the bomb it was like she just turned a light switch off, thats it, its all over no discussion....period. I would have thought 15 years and two beautiful children would have meant something, but it is like we never knew each other.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
She also told me it was a BRAVE decision to make which I found unbelievable.
The version I heard, and I think it's identical to your's, is "it took a lot of courage for me to tell you I can't be M'd to you anymore." So, same thing here.
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The one thing I find incredible and I don't know if this is script, but when she dropped the bomb it was like she just turned a light switch off, thats it, its all over no discussion....period. I would have thought 15 years and two beautiful children would have meant something, but it is like we never knew each other.
If I didn't know better, I would think my W has moved to the UK and was M'd to you. My W decided we would get D'd before ever telling me. Once that decision was made, she has had no looking back. "It's done."
And, I, too, thought 15 years together (13 M'd) with two beautiful children would have made her at least go to MC just to confirm there is nothing left, but it didn't.
So, I have heard the same things. Doesn't hurt any less, but it is easier to understand. Our W's are very confused and are hurting. To them, the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving. It's that simple. And until they can be willing to question what the believe, there's not a damn thing we can do other than keep improving us and moving on with our lives. Our kids will need us.
We both have to hang in there, as you sound a good guy trying to do the right thing, just like me.
Our children and ourselves are our priorities now, so lets try and concerntrate on turning our lives around and making a future for our children.
Good luck to you.
You too. I think that's all we can do at this point. B/c that's all we really have control over anyway. The rest will just have to take care of itself.
My W and I had one last big vacation for my 40th birthday when we came across the pond to your neck of the woods. York, then mostly southern England. REALLY enjoyed the trip. And I can't wait to go back one day when I can swing it. We'll have to see what financial state I'm in after this D is finished.
I know how you feel on the financial front. Yes, York is a beautiful city, very historical. I am based in the South about 20 minutes from Gatwick Airport, and 30 minutes from the South Coast.
To compound matters my W does not want to give me any money to buy a property. How low can someone go to try and ruin the rest of my life, and more importantly, a residence for my children when they come to see me.
For my W to say she has put the childrens and her own happiness first is nonsense based on what she is attempting to do.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
