What your H needs MOST right now is people around him who will support him WORKING on his marriage and who will listen to him... give him someone SAFE to talk to...
Once that safety zone is available to him the OW won't have nearly as much of a draw...
Also, if we can get OWH involved that puts pressure on HER and gets her distrated at home... attacking the problem from both angles so to speak.
GAL is a good idea once that ball is rolling. Once your H has some safe and supportive people around him as OFTEN as possible then you can work on GAL and make yourself more inviting to both him and you.
I am worried that your state of mind might lead you to do something rash too...
Don't do anything rash... keep your eye on your goals... I am assuming of course that you WANT to TRY to save your marriage... or at least are willing to explore this...
Allen A, Thank you so much for the advice. I honestly feel that the OW cares more for him then he does her. So I think if I can get him talking to the right people, it will help push him and OW farther apart. I will be speaking with OWH Monday night, and I think this will help, I hope.
It has been weeks since I've gotten any postive signs from him. It's all be "I'm done", so I'm hopeful that he is willing to spend some time with me tomorrow.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The thing is.. he needs to talk with the right people...
Addicts will cut EVERYONE who MIGHT HELP them OUT of their lives when they start their addictions...
Addicts quickly become reclusive and this makes things worse... no one can throw you a rope if you go swimming alone so to speak.
The OW is likley not getting much support or help on her end either... She was likley lost and confused too... and the both of them got the mistaken idea that if they were together that would solve their problems... it won't... we know that.
The more support he gets, the less he will need her. If we can get pressure on HER to leave HIM alone from HER husband that would help too... my main concern is that her H may react by divorcing her outright... unlikley though.
Her H is giong to feel the same way YOU do... You didn't want to divorce your H, and he won't likley want to divorce his wife either... But some positive pressure on her on the home front would reduce the amount these two connect.
Make sure you don't appear NEEDY to your H though. It's ok to appear HURT, but dont give him the idea you will accept whatever terms he offers... If you appear hurt he's going to take advantage of that... keep HIM on the defensive about how YOU feel, what YOUR plans are, etc... the more defensive he is the more cooperative he's going to be...
If you show him a doormat he's doing to use it... so don't be a doormat basically. I am not saying you are right now... just warning you there's a tendency for people in your position to do that.... I did.. and I regret it because the affair in my home lasted a LOT longer because I showed weakness...
You show him weakness he will think he can keep enjoying a marriage and an affair... you show him confidence and boundaries he takes a step back and has to think long and hard.
The more yoru friend support him the more positive he will be.. he needs to be around SAFE people right now... if your friends an let him stay with them that would work great too.
The ideal situation is having the OW's husband tell your husband something like :
"I would like to save my marriage. I love my wife, despite the damage that you have done. She's my wife and I am going to fight for her. Please stay away from my wife, my children, and my home."
THAT is a message all affair partners need to hear... that they are destroying/attacking a family unit, kicking a nest out of the tree so to speak.
YOu will need to support the OWH if he's willing to try... he may need a forum like this.. MOST people don't understand troubled homes or how to manage them safely... they listen to mood rather than commitment, they give up and lose patience, give people bad advice etc.
There's a film called "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn and Jen Anniston. In that the couple have a huge fight and isolate from each other while still living in the same home. They go to friends for advice and get REALLY BAD ADVICE that makes things WORSE rather than better. THAT couple end up breaking up because they went to the WRONG people for support... its ag ood example of what NOT to do when things are difficult athome.
I will keep my emotions in check today. If H starts R talk, should I stop it or let him talk? We are probably going to do something with the kids, so I don't think there will be any talk about us. But just in case, I'm not sure if I should allow that or not.
When do I set the boundry of NC with OW? Do I wait until he tells me he wants to work on the M?
I will be strong today.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
He needs to WANT that boundary first... He won't suggest it, and I think its likley easiest if a MC does it rather than you.
I would not allow anything to be said. There are some experts who reccomend you shut him out entirely and ask an intermediary to negotiate about finances and childen's issues.
The thing is, he DOES want to talk to you and see you and need you. The problem is you are readilly available. If you shut him out entirely then he may start to feel that need much more strongly. He's getting access to you now in small doses as it is.
In my home I stopped talking COMPLETELY. I told her i would not even hear or read emails from her and that they would be directed to the trashbin.
I was out all the time, I moved out of the bedroom etc... she hated that... she WANTED access to me AND her OM. So I just took AWAY what she wanted and she realized she wanted it...
Often that's how humans behave, they don't realize they want something until you take it away from them. Your H may likley respond to that happening.
If you can get someone to sit with him and your kids so YOU aren't there, it is less access.
I would make it clear in a note that you WANT to work on the marriage but cannot work while an affair is taking place. Simply stating until she is gone, you don't want to have anything to do with him. Make sure he understands how much you are hurting.
I would NOT talk to him face to face at ALL... He can't miss you if you give him access to you whenever he wants... does that make sense?
We can put it this way, when your H IS there you likley don't miss him... But when he's gone THEN the pain sets in right? Well that means you need to be gone for that to happen on his end.
This is the problem with a lot of standard FT and IC's. They don't understand the emotional dynamics of marriages facing critical junctures. They take what each spouse says and does at face value alone.
My wife and I went to one FT while she was having an affair and on our FIRST DAY the FT asks my wife outright "are you willing to work on your marriage?" I challenged her immediately and told her my wife is NOT in a state of mind right now to make such a weighty decision... you barely even know us. This FT had some ridiculous idea that my wife was able to make a rational life-altering decision in her state of mind... while my wife at the time could barely put a sentence together she was so confused and stressed.
Your H is very likely in that same state...having an infatuation AND a long term commitment in your head at the same time generates a GREAT deal of inner turmoil and stress.. while the affair is secret this is minimal as the WS thinks (well she doens't know so i dont' feel that bad right now).
While he is in this state he's dangerous and needs positive marrige-safe influences to guide him home again is all.
When he's feeling better and he has the affair out of his system he will thank his friends for helping him through such a rough time, but right now he's likley a complete mess. He is drawn to you, we just need to work on him more. I woudln't give too much thought to his filing for D, couples change their mind at the eleventh hour all the time... its more of an impulse to end the pain is all.... He doens't realise there's hope and better ways of dealing with his unhappiness... consider it similar to a suicide attempt... he feels lousy adn wants to end it all... it doen'st mean he's going to do it... It just means he can't see an alternative.
YOU will be that alternative. What you may want to do is consider taking really good care of yourself... start doing interesting things, jog, buy some new clothing, be on the phone a lot.. He will get curious...
This is all in Divorce Remedy and Not Just Friends if you have them... if not I strongly suggest you buy them.
K, I'm meeting my H for coffee at 5. Not sure what to say, I think I will let him do most of the talking. Is it ok for me to say to him "I'm really uncomfortable about you and this OW's friendship"? Or should I not say anything like that until or if he tells me he wants to work on the M?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
