A Choice

[patpat]

How do you detach without detaching (from the M)?

Aaaaah, the million dollar question...

I do not believe there is an answer to this.... I think it is and always will be a struggle with, confused about area in a failing M that somehow happens (when it happens) on its own.

It will happen sooner than later for some, later than desired for others. I think it really depends on each of our individual pain thresholds. Some can endure more, so hang on longer. They do and don't know why. That is just a guess.

But once you get mad enough... you will start detaching.

I think folks fear detachment because they think it is the beginning of the end of the R. NOT TRUE. Detachment is the beginning of the beginning. It is (for me) the beginning of all that is new in my life, and all that is old, to become new again. Then, while I wait... I GAL... making new friends and experiences to bring back to the M one day. And if not, a new life has begun...

I am glad you are in a place of control. It must feel good after all you've been through.

Lets just say I am sharing the drivers seat. Control is an illusion. Once you think you have it, you don't and you crash and burn... never understanding why...

I am not in a place of control... I am just in a place where I find myself a bit more relaxed and comfortable... comfortable knowing the my W is waking up slowly. I do feel better today than I have in the past, after all that has happened. I still have my moments though... we all do, and always will. I accept this as a normal part of this type of sitch and it does not feel so bad.

I have to ask, have you lost sight of your original commitment when this all began?

No, I have not. I still love my W more than the air I breathe. I do want her back, I do want to reconcile, I do want to grow old with her and live the ever after... but she is not entirely there yet. She must come out of the fog.... I have time. I am detached.... I am Gal'ing.... I am running from W as she pursues..... it is helping her to wake up I think.... I hope this does not back fire on me.... Time will tell.

Currently, W in apartment with OM. Calls me all the time. Put D on hold....misses and loves me but not got rid of OM yet. She wants to start dating, but I have my boundaries in place.... Will not share w/OM etc.... sticking too it and W is slowly coming around (not allowing the cake eating, though she may be getting some crums from time to time)... she is finding the grass not to be greener... but she is not there yet. So I continue to run. I find that the more I run, the less I hurt.

Is your reluctance to reconcile fear and/or lack of trust of ever going back to that dark place?

No, not fear of trust... I believe I can trust her if she comes back and really, I do not have a fear of anything right now.... I just want her to really want to come back... OM to be out of the pic completely. We have talked about this, and she is not completely there. W wants to come home and wants to keep her friend. As afriend, she says... no sex etc.... and she thinks we can handle this.... and we problably could... but WTF... I have went this long, what is the rest of my life.... I have set a boundary, I will stick too it and that is all. I do not want to be friend with OM, will not accept OM as part of my life, and OM is and will need to disappear for W and I to reconcile. W understands and is not compkletely there.... so I wait. She is pursuing, but she sees me running. She knows what she needs to do to get me back. I am just waiting for her to do those things.... and we shall see. Still gonna take some time.... W still fogged up!

I hope your wife works hard to prove it to you. I hope you can leave a crack open for her without driving her off. She's hurting now, but remember, the heart can only take the pain for so long before it must detach, for survival.

You have a choice. You made a choice to detach and you can make a choice to reconcile, if you wish. I don't know if there is a right or wrong. Pray and think long and hard about it. May wisdom guide you.

I hope W does too. She is still my heart!

The door is not cracked, it is still wide open!

I am still trying to care for her heart, but it needs to heal on its own... I will be there for her when the time is right....

I choose to reconcile when she truely is ready..

And I will continue to pray...

Thank you Tulsa... I shall pray for you also... talk to ya soon!