I'm sure you've been told this, but sorry you are here. Great place for advice and to vent.
The seasoned folks who gave you advice are correct. And I am living that same scenario, like many others here. And you just have to recognize it for what it is - the WAS is conflicted about walking away (they know it's wrong, or not justified, but they have made the decision to leave), so it is human nature to resolve that internal conflict to bring themselves peace. So, the LBS becomes the one who failed, who didn't do this, that or the other, who was a bad spouse or parent. And, yes, they DO make things up in their minds they truly believe.
Look up concepts online called "cognitive dissonance" and "cognitive distortion." You will find they explain a lot of your WAW's behavior.
Now, all of us LBS have some part to play in our M's getting where they are. So,we must look at ourselves and determine what needs to change. No one is perfect. But, we can, and obviously need to, improve.
As gut wrenching as it is in the end, we only truly control ourselves. Not the WAS or anyone else. Process the emotions that come along with that, then let go of what you cannot control. You don't control your WAW's decisions. You only control how you react to them.
And along those lines, it is natural to ask what your W is thinking and why she is doing something. But, it is a waste of your time, emotion and energy. Chances are, SHE may not know. Probably doesn't. So let it go. Also, ask yourself this question. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Don't you deserve better? And, does SHE deserve YOU? Have enough self respect to realize you deserve better.
On the depression issue, first, you need to see a counselor. It has helped me, and it will help you. Second, pick up a book called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It really changed the way I think about things, and it helped me keep from falling into depression. And I think it is very easy to fall into depression under these circumstances.
