I do have the upmost compassion for my h. He's just so unable to meet other peoples' needs. I don't know if that is because he can't empathize or if he just doesn't want to do it because he hates being controlled. Maybe both? I read that an avoidant sees intimacy as weak and that they are oblivious of their feelings and the feelings of others.
Like his mom, she doesn't know why he comes to visit her because he never says more than a couple of words, doesn't initiate affection, pretty much sits in front of the TV the whole time...she rightly assumes that he loves her but feels left out of his life because he doesn't 'talk' to her. I feel the same way.
I don't push him but you know if I don't say 2 words for him in a month...he's fine with it. That's hard for me...I love to talk to him, hear ANYTHING he has to say but he won't talk. And then he gets upset if I see that as his not loving me.
He doesn't want me to push at all to even ask for what I need is a no, no!
Since our separation, all this stuff I'm asking for is not new...I've been asking for more conversation and affection for 7 years (once a year I would ask) but to no avail.
I just don't know how to reach him anymore. I try to lead by example and not saying anything, i try saying something once a year, i say that when he doesn't do x it hurts my feelings, i write him letters, i love up on him in the hopes he'll return it, but i still get NOTHING! I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
People say it's him because of his messed up life...well ok then fix it. Get over your childhood and fix it so we can be happy NOW. But he continues to put his feelings in the closet and just seeth resentment and anger out at me and the kids.
I'm sorry but I'm human and can only take so much of this treatment...and that is why I ultimately moved out. The kids were even starting to wonder if they were adopted because their dad didn't seem to like them much less act like a dad!!!!
I know he needs something! But what is it? And is it really something to do with me? I know I aggravate the situation by expressing my needs...he feels pressured. But when will be the time I get what I need? When will he fix what is wrong with him? I've waited a year and the only thing that has changed is his treatment of the boys...he's more involved with them. As for me, he treats me the same way. (I do have to say that when he's drunk he's the man of my dreams...but drunkeness is only one Saturday night a month!)
Rats! Don't know if this situation will get fixed. But I'm praying and trusting that God is bigger than my h! That's all I have to hang on to now....not anything that I do has worked so far.
