that is exactly what I am doing...removing myself from the drama.
i have been doing a bunch of things for me...new haircut, new color some new work clothes, a few books to read,getting LONG showers, coffee on the way to work...silly things that used to make me happier...and i have realized they still do! they make me feel more alive!
if h starts spinning on the phone...i say h im hanging up, we can talk about this at another time, if he is here...i walk away saying the same...im not feeding on it anymore...
its not that I want him to magically want to come around, I want him to see that people and situations can change. people can find themselves after being caught up in everyday life and forgetting who you are.
do i want him to come home? of course I do! when he is able and ready...when he want to and feel comfortable in making the decision on whether he will or not.
with the holidays over...I have been really focusing on me and the kids...the nc for 2 weeks was hard...not saying a word about the situation when all i really wanted to do was talk about it , was hard! for me that is what the nc is right now because of the kids. several times I even let him stay with them and headed out to do nothing for a while...just to back away. i have lost a lot of bad habits...questioning , following around the house, calling and most of all expecting a whole lot from him right now.
I have read sooooo many posts on the boards that it is making much more sense now.
sorry also if this sound defensive! i was so proud of myself! honestly it is not a ploy...i need to be the person i used to be...for me! i need these things to simply be my nature again...they were all lost along the way somehow.im happy that the fighting has subsided, that we are able to relax and enjoy...time and more time! i know it is not a quick fix...we both still have ALOT of work to do!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
i have been doing a bunch of things for me...new haircut, new color some new work clothes, a few books to read,getting LONG showers, coffee on the way to work...silly things that used to make me happier...and i have realized they still do! they make me feel more alive!
This is a great beginning.
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its not that I want him to magically want to come around, I want him to see that people and situations can change. people can find themselves after being caught up in everyday life and forgetting who you are.
This is an expectation and not something that you can control.
Yes, ultimately, it will be the changes he sees that MAY make him look your way.
But you can not force him to see them. You cannot force him to learn that people change. It is something that may or may not begin to happen as he moves down his own path.
However, that does NOT mean that you should not make the changes that you think are necessary, changes that you want to make. For yourself. For your future.
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sorry also if this sound defensive! i was so proud of myself! honestly it is not a ploy...i need to be the person i used to be...for me! i need these things to simply be my nature again...they were all lost along the way somehow.
Recognizing this, is what Trapt and Mach were talking about.
This is where the real work begins.
Finding yourself, who you were compared to who you became, weeding out what you don’t like, keeping what you do, bringing back what you feel you lost, taking new risks…healing, learning, loving, and living.
That is our part of this journey. Honestly doesn’t sound so different than theirs.
It is all in the approach…..
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
My 2 cents is that I have been foll0owing your sich from the beginning. This last post sounds like you are starting to make real progress in you. Are you done? No. But I see real progress. I for one am proud of you.
Yes you still need to keep moving forward. Really we all do but I think you are on the right path. Don't fret about some small nudges here and there. We can all fall off the path but then if you can find your way back you won't be "lost"
Lost, You actually answered your own question about signs of clarity. When they begin to do the "normal" things that they use to do, that is clarity. Acting more like himself is a sign of clarity.
How do you handle all of this? Treat him as you would a friend. Accept him as he is right now and just go w/the flow. No expectations or you will be disappointed when he pops back in the hole of depression.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
kinda sad today...nothing happened or anything, just a bit down.
in general it sucks to see someone you love with all of yourself, happy when they are at home, but wont come home and be happy...
even harder when they comment on the fact, you keep your mouth shut and just listen...only to hear how they are so unsure, and they dont know if they can take that chance...
im strong...i can do it, and will...just letting it out here...
i feel blessed that h is being a little more open, even if the words arent what i want to hear
Last edited by lost1234; 02/01/1011:28 AM.
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Lost- That feeling of sadness or being down when nothing happens tells me that you might have been building some hopeful expecations in the back of your head?..otherwise a quiet-nothing happening kind of day..would be just another day.
I used to do that- I get that. Its hard when the MLCer starts seeming normal, even interested! But know that it won't last..So don't expect it to and you won't get those disappointed days/moments.
I thought my H was the one that would get through this MLC sooner that all the (his)stories I'd read...I let him move back after the OW dumped him, days after he asked for divorce. He seemed 'normal'/shamed/regretful..and I shouldn't have..he wasn't ready..he wasn't through with depression, anger, withdrawal...he's still going. It has hurt my daughters the most having H move back home only to leave 6 months later and now really divorce their mother..Ahhh Hindsight!!
So...be patient...enjoy the good times, expect nothing and keep GALing!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
it may have included him subconciously...had surgery a week ago, only to end up with a pretty painful infection! that was the main source anyways...who knows??
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
h seems to be thinking about homelife...could be completely wrong but i dont think so...
he has gone from insisting on moving to wanting to keep our plans of finishing the restoration of our house
shows even more interest in kids activities..ie softball...he has decided to coach again this year and made the statement to girls that Mom and Dad will be at All games this season...mom had a job change...hours for the better
commenting on food in the house...ie certain things that h only enjoys and i havent kept here in months
silly stuff to me but i cant help but be curious...again i will treat him as a friend with no expectations however this is really weird!
again no divorce or nasty talk at all. seems a little relaxed but still cautious!
how the heck to tell if its real or just cycling? good or bad?
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
