Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

A bit of journaling and of course other comments welcome.

I would say this has been a weekend of mixed signals and ranging emotions and some self realization.
First the self realization. As I continue down the path of detaching, I have made progress when it comes to not letting the wife's actions impact how I feel and how I am, BUT...I am failing miserably when it comes to how she treats the kids. The indifference to the kids still sets me into a tail spin, so I got to work on that.
Fri night, W calls me at 6:30 and says she is coming home, even offers to go pick up pizza which I was glad to let her do...then she remembers she needs to call someone back so we figure it is more time efficient if I get the pizza for pizza/movie night with the kids. Two hours later...no W, movie is almost over, girls are perplexed, and I'm raging mad. Mad because she broke her promise to the girls and they are so disappointed. Finally, I text her to make sure she hasn't been in an accident or something (lots of snow/ice on roads here) and no she just stayed working.

She comes home in foul mood, as the movie is over and we've all eaten and its almost bed time for the girls. I have to use Rocked's advise from a long time ago and just go in the bathroom and calm down and collect myself. I do that, play with the younger daughter for a bit and then start the bed routine. Somewhere in here W shares with me that she is in bad mood because of job she is giving up. W says to me she wants to do facebook for 15 minutes, then turn off her computer, and watch some of our recorded TV shows with me without any distraction of computer. That is a mixed signal - because she knows that has bothered me in the past - the TV + computer - this is prior to the bomb when I felt like I was being ignored. We stay up late watching TV and then another mixed signal. I'm heading up to bed and she seems to be hanging out and she tells me that she was just waiting on me...she was planning on heading to bed with me. As we are about to go to sleep, W tells me that she is grumpy tonight because of job. I just reply "good night grumpy" and leave it alone.

This morning, time for ballet and the youngest daughter wants mom to watch her today. I'm thinking there is no reason she won't. I ask W - do you want to take her to ballet and she immediately says no. I'm in shock. And the D4 is disappointed and I get angry again. W notices as we are leaving and asks what is up, I tell her a half truth - tell her my neck/shoulder are all tight/sore again. W is upset now and says I should have told and she would have taken daughter. I then told the truth - said I gave you that chance and you said no, shoulder didn't tighten up till 5 minutes ago at which point it is too late for you to go. She re-iterates to me that I need to tell her these things and she will help. I re-iterate it only happened 5 minutes ago.

Come home and W is just laying in bed, watching TV, using her computer. This continues for another few hours till we decide to go to store together. W offers to give me time to myself at house...I don't want it, it was a store I've been wanting to go to in order to pick up some things I want. So we go together. W is now suddenly very friendly, happy, interacting, standing close to me, etc at the store shopping. ODD

Function tonight - as we are getting ready, suddenly the bathroom modesty is disappearing also. I don't need to post a ton of details but I noticed...in the past it is ensure no one sees each other naked or just in underwear. Not today getting ready. Another mixed signal. Also she tells me that I should drink tonight, have a few, and relax and that she will drive. I ask her if she thinks I am not relaxed, she says you are not relaxed. So I do, I have a few beers and had a good time at the function. I was proud of myself. Felt like I worked the crowd very well. Although we were sitting next to each other, I probably spent more time with others. The gal on the other side of me, I got to know and at one point W even asked me if I knew her from before and I said no, I was just being friendly and getting to know her. W's question was phrased in a manner where she thought I did know the gal from somewhere before.

When we were sitting together more mixed signals - W leans in and whispers things in my ear at least 3 or 4 times tonight and at one point had gotten her skirt wet and takes my hand to feel the skirt which is between her legs (this is more physical contact initiated by W than the last 2 weeks combined). At this point, I also put my hand on her leg and give her an affectionate squeeze and don't get a negative reaction.

As we are leaving, W is having a hard time in heels on ice/snow. I offer my arm for balance and she is refusing, trying to tough it out without having to hold onto me. Another mixed signal-now back to the I don't need you and don't want to touch you. She finally starts falling and I grab onto her and she has to take my arm because she realizes she won't make it to the car and holds on till we get to the car.

So what I am reading into all this - nothing much. The only interesting pattern is that she is much friendlier and calm around me when we are outside the house. That is starting to become more obvious.

Also going to stay interesting as some friends of ours are insisting that they are sending W and I to dinner within next 45 days without the kids to say thanks to us and they won't take no for an answer....

Got to stop letting her indifference to the kids bother me...that one is tough on me because it is tough on them