ssmguy said: "I was too optimistic about my chances of fixing the problem earlier, due in great part to all the advice about how women reach their sexual peak later in life, and how therapy can fix things."
And once again, you've got an excuse as to why you chose the way you did. It wasn't you or your choice, you were misled by "them" (whoever "them" is) to believe something that wasn't true. Instead of following your own inner instincts, which were telling you all along that you weren't happy with your marriage, you "hoped for a different future" and blindly assumed it would change somehow...you, of course, didn't need to change, the situation would just "magically" change by itself for the better, somehow, someday. And yet, you can't see how we all can't understand how this totally wasn't your fault or choice, because you were "too optimistic" because of all the "great advice" (from whom, not sure, you keep pointing fingers so all we know it somehow it wasn't you).
ssmguy...please remember...I was in your shoes. I made the exact same mistakes, assumed "the best" would somehow happen on its own, that my marriage would magically heal itself, that I could just stop cheating whenever I wanted to, and that if I held out long enough, either my husband would magically change or I would leave and somehow have to face my new life without him. Mostly I assumed the magical story would happen though, I didn't really assume I'd end up divorced.
My thinking went basically like this: It wasn't really MY fault that I was unfaithful. What could I possibly do to help my marriage that I hadn't already done? And oh well, it didn't matter all that much did it? I was still coming home every night, taking care of my family, being there for them, loving them, did it really matter if I just got a quick sexual thrill now and then from other than my husband? It was simply a thrill, what was the big damn deal? Certainly my taking care of my entire family was showing my true colors and the thrill was just a side thing that I "needed" because my husband didn't give me what I "needed". I "needed" it you see, therefore because it was a "need" of mine I was entitled to get that "need" met.
Oh and at least I will wait until the kids are gone, if I'm going to leave...because afterall, somehow magically it won't hurt them if they are a bit older, versus now while they are under age. Somehow leaving their father while they are under age would be just tragic, but leaving when they are older is better because they will be adults and they will "understand my reasons" for leaving. Then will then be old enough to be on my side, you see. Because I'm so justified and entitled.(End train of thinking.)
So...mr. ssm...I am not just lecturing you. I WAS YOU. And now I am divorced, and yes we waited until the kids were older and did that make it easier? Freakin' hell, no. Did it make the kids understand my position? Yes but they would have EVENTUALLY any way, and besides that, they also understand my husband's decision to go easily into divorce. In fact, guess what both of my kids think now? "Weird, I can't even imagine them together now...they were just not right for each other...they weren't connected".
So all the time I was making sure we had happy family group memories, was now a "fake" time in their minds, because they can see now and look back and realize it was "fake". In my self-justification mode, I never thought of this type of outcome. It felt REAL to me...because I really did love them all and loved my family...but I have to admit and face, the romantic relationship with my husband was NEVER there and it was obvious to our children. My kids both knew we "loved each other but weren't in love with each other", without either of us ever admitting that to them or to each other.
What I should have done was leave much, much earlier, gone straight into couples counseling, have some very direct discussions about our lives, our love life, and our future goals, and decide when we, our children and our marriage were all very young whether should pursue our own marriage or not.
I love thinking that given the chance when very young (and assuming that we could have been fully honest with ourselves and each other), we may have been able to switch on our romantic relationship and lived happily ever after. I wish so much I would have done just that. But the truth is, I was a coward. I was too afraid to face any reality other than the one I felt comfortable with and entitled to. I refused to face the truth of my situation dead on.
ssmguy...this isn't a lecture. It is a life lesson to you from someone who has already traveled the wrong path. I'm not saying you should ask your wife for a divorce. I'm saying you should face the truth and ask her to face it with you. "Honey, I am no longer willing to get my 'needs' met outside the marriage. I want either a fully honest marriage with you, or I want it with someone else". This is the only way to get out of the "entitled" yet very disappointing life you are currently leading. Don't try to tell me that the love of your "unbroken" family is a good enough reason to stay, because your family DOESN'T EXIST the way you think it does...just as mine didn't either.
You asked me a few posts back how old I am. I am 42 going on 142. I feel like I've been through about 20 lives in this one life (there is likely a lot to my story which you don't know). But to respond to your point about the age, I will get back to you when I turn 50 and let you know if I am still jumping my husband's bones as often as he will let me. :0)
