The job situation can be unnerving. In all things, I am trying to take things one day at a time. That's about all I can handle. My finances are so wrecked and my debts have become so high from the legal battles that it can overwhelm me if I stop to think about them too much. And if my job were to suddenly evaporate, it would cripple my ability to stay solvent.
I have faith that I would manage to survive it, but less faith than I need when it come to the fact I might lose my S's over this. I know that I should have faith in my Lord and Savior that he will see me through -- that I must not allow fear and worry to overtake me -- but if I have to relocate to be able to find secure employment, it will eliminate my ability to hold to my obligation to my children. It would be failing them, letting them down. They need me, as their father, desperately, as a positive spiritual role model. I can never trust their mother to instill in them the morals they need for their upbringing -- I cannot trust building the foundation of their lives to her, that much I am certain. I have seen far too much selfishness, lies and deceit that she models for our S's, and encourages in them for her own sake, to think she would do anything that does not serve her own self first and foremost.
Those are my fears. Laid out before all of you to see. And I am putting my faith in God to help me stand strong.
I continue to pray she will wake up one day and see what she has done to all of us and what sad lessons she has taught our poor S's -- lies, treachery, adultery, divorce, faithlessness, abandonment of family and principles. I continue to ask God to reach her and melt that icy block around her heart, before it is too late for her.
But for myself and my S's, I cannot depend on that ever happening. I have to plan for the contingency that their mother will never really get on the Godly path again. So it is all up to me now.
It is a burden and an obligation, sure. But I don't have a problem with that, as I can do no less anyway. I love my S's more than anything else on the face of this planet. Others my shirk their duties and obligations, seek their own selfish ends, throw their own children to the wolves if it means gain for themselves, and even lie to themselves and others about it, but I will not. What does it profit a man to gain the World if he loses his very soul?
So I thank you again for your prayers. And I will do what I can to muddle through this for the sake of my boys, with God's help.
