Determined to have a better day. No church for us as baby seems to have another cold coming on. D20 is going to spend some time here today so that will be nice.
I do really think my down times are not all about exh..its when I get really tired, overwhelmed, and the future looks bleak on alot of levels. Financially I have not been in the place my entire life and I am really worried. Doing my best to get the studying done but with baby my times are limited.
funny, my kids had gone to a funeral for a distant family member on their dads side yesterday and original OW was there. She was talking to my kids about how I am doing so well and she is personally glad that exh is out of her life and she is encouraging me to get out and do things more and we will be there to help eachother emotionally etc.
Ok..gotta tend to a sick little girl!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I think if you shift your focus on things other than exh you will discover that there are other things that bother you about your life. Having said that, these are the things you have some control over and can do something about them.
I know it is tough but worse if you feel you have no control over things - so do what you can and let go of the rest. Life is not a contest of how much you can accomplish or how well you do it - it is about doing what you can do and knowing the rest will pass.
There is alot that bothers me about life right now. Like I said finances have never been worse, and not looking great. That in turn limits what I can do. Most things cost money and that makes me have to stay home more. Its like a chain reaction.
Trying to get someone to come watch baby while I go weedwhack the almost 3 foot tall weeds around my yard that grew since this past rain! Amazing how fast they grow. Not having much luck in the sitter department though.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
hey, totally understand the money thing. when I was GALing, I would leave and just try to find a friend to go to, and if not, then I would just park somewhere and read my bible. so I know it really sucks when you don't have the money to do things since most things do cost money. But you can do other things, if the weather is okay. I can't remember, do you live where it's really cold now, or is it decent where you can take a walk outside or go to the park?
on the MIL, that was HER wedding, most likely she didn't know half of what was going on between exH and you, she just wants to be shown as a part of baby's life, and she probably knows she won't get much of that from her Son-in-law. But I agree, why should she even suggest that anyways? many people are clueless.
SO2, since you know what normally causes these feelings to creep up, just try to do your best to get the sleep you need and etc so you can avoid these times. I'm sure that PMS times don't help either. Just do whatever you can and keep moving forward.
fyi, I wouldn't not get involved with the first OW either, you know how those things turn out...even if she is better than these others.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
on the MIL, that was HER wedding, most likely she didn't know half of what was going on between exH and you, she just wants to be shown as a part of baby's life, and she probably knows she won't get much of that from her Son-in-law. But I agree, why should she even suggest that anyways? many people are clueless.
Oh MIL knows exactly what was happening during her wedding. She knew he was sneaking alcohol and leaving baby in the dust to flirt with women. I get she wants to be a part of babys life when she feels like it. She says she doesn't like exh's behavior, but he is her son and she will always support him. About then is when I pretty much wrote her off.
Today turned out to be decent. My d20 and her boyfriend came to town and we ended up hanging out and her boyfriend, my son,and his friend did some yardwork for me too which was awesome. That alone made me feel better.
Havent' heard a peep from exh since last nights father of the year kiss text!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Just keep in mind that things will not always be this way. I remember when my kids were infants and toddlers that I was reminded that the stages would go quickly and not to get sucked into thinking that they are static.
Hence, activity will pick up in time and freedom will come one year at a time - in fact, right now I wish I had those years back - I may not have liked being tied down so much but it grounded me then. Now I am all grown up and haven't a clue.
Cheer up lady! The fact that life changes all the time never fails. Right now I wish technology would slow down so I could catch up. I can't figure out what to do about watching tv with digital tv, cable, satelite, DVR's , netflix, DVD's and tv on line... haven't a clue what to do and what makes sense for me. I am limited with income so it limits my choices. I though in my older years I could just sit in front of my tv but now I don't know how it works and it seems to cost so much. BLah, blah, blah sorry... I rambled.
Glad your day was good. Time with the older kids and getting some chores done, NICE. Still, you have 2 general problems. One is called "normal life problems" and that is what your money issues are. Not that it's normal to be broke, but it's in the normal universe to have to figure out wth to do. Our sitch has deteriorated b/c MIL has cancer and h is one of 2 siblings. When he takes off work he does NOT get paid. That's right, he's an MD but only works for production as many do. Not a salary. NO paid vacation days.
They have been flexible, thank God, so he had a lot of time with her the past year. But between you and me, (and peeps here), this has cost us a fortune. I quit my job to move back here with him and d12 and care for her but we were told it would be weeks/a few months. That was well over a year ago. I AM GLAD for the extra time, don't misunderstand. But talk about not being able to plan??!... ANYHOW so, point is, money issues are in the world of normal stuff that you just have to "handle". Cutting back or moving to a cheaper place, selling an asset or stock, or car, getting a job maybe at night when another child can help b/c surely they want to see YOU GAL...seriously, how depressing for them to feel responsible for your social life...also normal life stuff in money is to start enforcing the CS amount and timeliness for it. It is totally justified and not doing those things is NOT normal or healthy. Start with the basics, and he doesn't comply, then getting a garnishment is appropriate if the delusional world of his, tries, again, to ruin your world.
Speaking of delusional...yes your mil wins todays "wacky in-law" award. (I want to RE-start something from a few years back where we compared notes on the craziest things alien MLCers and WASs said. We can add "most inappropriate delegation of duties" to the award category and nominate your MIL's idea of YOU making a scrapbook of HER family which is HER SON'S family....um, yeah, get RIGHT ON THAT!!
How about "donating" a shoebox or something and then, placing the pics in there? You can "store them there", rather than tossing them, as a favor to mil and as an easy way for your FORMER h, to organize something later on when HE makes time for HIS family and HIS d....that's be nice of you actually. You Going Beyond that, enters you in another new category of "doormat FORMER daughters in law"....really it MAY be genetic in his family. How odd.
Hmm, I wonder if I can use that in criminal defense sometime, saying "your honor, my client is not responsible b/c HIS father was also a bank robber and so, he's inherited the bank robbing gene...what can HE do? What? Change? Oh, well, no he hasn't tried that b/c...well, he never saw that as a child either. Doesn't know how and also...it's hard! And he hates stuff that is hard b/c he is very different than all of us. WE LIKE HARD THINGS...but he's not into that. People in HIS family were crazy and robbing banks and they never stopped. They did try different banks though, gee, does that count?"
The other problem in your life is how much you care about your former h's behavior, words and comments to you. Honestly way way too much energy into why he sends the idiotic texts. Someone pointed out that he is wacky b/c does he expect you to go wake her up or kiss her and SAY "from daddy, with LOVE for you sweety"?? That's crazy. BUT IT DOES NOT MATTER (though it did make me laugh). Point is, you wasted time on it, again. AND worse, it added to your feeling of sadness and the blues. AND even worse than all that, is I would bet your kids felt your pain, maybe even baby did. That is NOT cool. Think of how far the pollution of your former h's existence goes...all the people in your life you allow that man to injure, irritate, or affect in some way. You have to stop this.
THE GREAT NEWS HERE, AND IT IS GREAT NEWS, IS THAT YOU AND YOU ALONE CONTROL THIS...SO START CONTROLLING IT HONEY...
RE your FORMER h, Put a stop sign on for YOURSELF and ask family/friends gently but firmly, "Friends/family, Former h is not my h anymore, and his actions are not my business. If he's not doing something that affects me or baby directly (stealing or lying about money, getting a gun or acting dangerous,) then you are NOT interested in hearing/seeing/knowing about it. NOT interested in his latest dates/non dates or MGF or any ANY OWs....there is nothing good that can come of it.
My gf got involved with a man like your X h. She regrets bringing him into her children's lives though he seemed like the real deal at first. Lasted over a year until his bad colors showed and then they showed. Pretty traumatic for her kids for months. She dates less now but when she does, I see each kid thinking "Is this the one who'll love me and stay?" Her d's are boy crazy far sooner than they should be and it's just sad. I love this friend but her need for a man in her life and the choices she makes--they're alwayd cute and fun but NEVER the settling down type ---
SO Don't do that to the older kids. You sound like a good mom and your kids come over and see their baby sister and that's very cool. But it's clear you radiate loneliness to them. And honestly wouldn't your former h only being part of your former life, (past h = past life) be better for ALL?
Yes, YES, I know he gets to see baby. SOME. And he sees her less than that so that's a great thing in most ways. If you coped better with it and stopped taking it personally b/c at some level you are still waiting for him to "wake up" but he is enjoying not being awake b/c his delusions are better than his real life. HE wants to sleep!
BTW, keep detailed records of when he sees her, when he gives you notice, of saying yes or no he's coming or not, and write down that you told HIM you needed notice--every time you tell him, write it down again that he was again warned of the need to CONTACT you ahead of time....
as you write it, keep judgment out of it, Just facts;
SAMPLE DOCUMENTATION
"Day 1: Informed X h that I need more notice about him cancelling visitation, asked him for a day's notice. If not poss, then at least an hour so I can arrange a sitter to allow ME to do my planned event OR I can call to cancel the sitter who may still want to be paid someday..
Visit Day 2 X h gave 15 min on Tuesday that he would NOT be coming....I Repeated need for notice from former h. Former h expressed his understanding of my request. Vist Day 2 X h shows up 23 min before his visitation time expires. No explanation given for the cancelled...cancellation. Visit day #3 Former h calls an hour before visitation is to start, to say he will be 20 min late. X h does not show at all. 45 min after visitation time ends, X h calls to say he won't make it. 2 hours later, X h texts me to tell baby "love from daddy"
Visit Day #4 X h does not show or call. I repeat my earlier request for notice and that he had said he understood. Former h curses, denies "ever agreeing" to notice request. Calls me "controlling b@#%!" I inform Former h that I will not listen to this and I hang up. FORMER H texts me 20/30/45 and again 76 min later, to repeat name calling. I do not respond. Former H says he is "glad we are done, did him a favor etc". 90 min later former h texts me to tell baby "how much daddy loves his sweet girl"...
Visit Day #5 x h calls 30 min after visitation time begins and says he is on his way. X h arrives 15 min before vistation time ends. Former h Leaves at expiration time.
(S2 quote exactly what he says, when possible. Do not cuss back. Get off the phone. If need be, tell him you are documenting these conversations as they would fuel your argument for sole custody to be made indefinite.). Your goal is to get him to talk with respect AND OR, if not, then to use that mistreatment to gain rights to your advantage with custodial rights.
Total time granted for visitation per week = "A" Total time spent together with baby = "B"
Times notice was given, with more than an hour/day, etc (S2, Times he was late, and or left early can be added too, but the bottom line is A and B above) Notice no judgement or commentary is added.
ETC ETC.... Hope this helps. IN the back of my mind even though I know you want true freedom from this man and all his baggage/poison, I also fear that at some level you want this man to either come back to you, or you want him to somehow see how wrong he was to treat you so badly, and this need of yours, is not healthy. You want vindication from him or the world, about him, and that isn't healthy ---Why? first, 1) it is completely NOT in your control so why make it the priority it obviously is? 2) he is unworthy of that kind of energy; and incapable of expressing himself lovingly over time, or behaving like a good guy b/c he's either sick, selfish to an extreme, or both. I've only heard you say once that he was good to your son. Nothing else stands out well in this man and MANY bad things do.
Other men are good to your son or will be. You SO don't need this guy. If not for baby, I'd have said LOSE HIM AND HAVE NO CONTACT AT ALL EVER...
With baby, it's your job to minimize the interaction, not max it AND, to stop spending so much energy on what other people say/do/think.
Get yourself to a good place inside. A place former H cannot get in. MGF cannot get in, OW's cannot, etc. Turn those people's garbage in your life over to God, b/c you cannot fix them now.
When someone gets really centered spiritually, getting themselves in a higher place in which they are in touch with God or Spirit, and feeling His presence and self confidence in their choices to rid their lives of toxins, others want "in"...they envy your peace and they want a piece of it (or you). It's very attractive although clearly is not the reason for getting there.
It's a place in which you really do wish everyone well, but NOT have them in your life, be happy with them 'out there," say "be fine and well FORMER h and FORMER friends, bye bye, I have no hard feelings- BECAUSE THERE ARE NO FEELINGS IN ME FOR YOU AT ALL, I don't spend time or brain cells on you b/c you are NOT in my life in any way shape or form....see the baby or don't. give me notice or don't-the court will look at your choices the way Courts do, and we'll let the cards fall where they fall. END OF STORY..."
MOVE ON S2, move on. You just have to. This is no way to live and there's no change in sight b/c you don't have a plan made. What are you hoping will happen? Anything you can or are doing about it? I mean, what's the future saying to you? "Gee, if only my former h would come back all nice and different than he ever was to any prior women"...or "Gee I hope I meet another man so HE can take care of me"?? If you could wake up tomorrow in a new career, what would it be?
Neither of these are "plans" for a life. They are surrenders of your life & your happiness to others, hoping they'll rescue you. And you are picking about the last man on earth you should choose if rescuing really had to be done anyhow. HE"S DROWNING HIMSELF....wants to take others with him.
I pray you will see this soon.
Take care S2, your life really can be better. You can make it so. When would you like to start? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
When someone gets really centered spiritually, getting themselves in a higher place in which they are in touch with God or Spirit, and feeling His presence and self confidence in their choices to rid their lives of toxins, others want "in"...they envy your peace and they want a piece of it (or you). It's very attractive although clearly is not the reason for getting there.
What a great post 25, especially this part! Thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
