You acted on emotion last night and you learned a hard lesson that it only causes more damage to YOU. Nobody is real concerned about the comfort level of a cheating spouse.
Self control is essential to this process. I forced myself to follow the 24 or 48 hour rule. If I really felt I *had* to do something regarding my H I would sit on it for a day or two and see if I still felt the same. If I did I then took some additional time to evaluate.
Next time you are so fueled with emotion take a step back and find something else to do until you are thinking with a more clear head.
There is no telling what will happen with you and your W but you can ensure a much easier path for you if you stop reacting on emotion.
I dont know what to say to any of them. I know it shouldnt be a conversation...but I probably should at least say I'm sorry and that it will never happen again.
I wish I had never went over there last night. And like she said...if I did have any chance...its gone now. But then again she may have been saying that just to twist the screws a little harder.
Do apologize, but don't drag out the apology. Don't call only to apologize, say it at a convenient time when you are already talking to her, preferrably when she initiates contact. The last part of the apology she wants to hear is it won't happen again, so just simply apologize.
She is just twisting the screws a little harder, you are right on that, but here's the thing you MUST remember. If a WAS twists screws it takes back previously made progress. The emotions they show is the outward emotions and really doesn't reflect much about their inner emotions - chances are she wants to have her time with OM, then come back only if she sees that things could be better with you, but she won't tell you this. Her actions will not reflect her inner emotions and she will put on a show that she doesn't want you and it's a permanent decision. The problem is that she puts up "walls" as my W calls them, and will block you out. The more you try to break into what is really HER space, the more she will continue finding ways to keep you out. OM is just another way to keep you out, and to keep him around she has to convince him she wants out, so her biggest shows are likely to be in his presence. One time while my W and I were getting along we had a very calm conversation while her OM was on a run for some drive-thru. I forgot to ask her something, which was actually really important, and called back to ask. Instead of the normal "hello" it was a "WHAT!?" .... ask question, get 1-word answer, ask if he's back, yes, ok ttyl. It was less than 3 minutes between those 2 conversations.
What to really remember is when things start going better between you and her, if she's not convinced you've changed, she will run faster & harder every time. The main thing that she needs to see change is pursuing. Besides, if after she left you for OM what better way is there to convince you she wants you back than to have her begging instead of you for a change?
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Besides, if after she left you for OM what better way is there to convince you she wants you back than to have her begging instead of you for a change?
How nice that would be.
I did apologize to her...when she came to drop off our daughter. She told me I could apologize and be sorry all I wanted but it wasnt going to change things and that she was willing to try but with what I did last night it blew any chance I had.
That last part is twisting a knife in my heart over and over again. It's eating me alive to think that if I had just talked to someone, or listened to that inner voice that said it wasnt the right thing to do, I might still be on the path to reconciliation.
My SO said she was really embarassed by my coming over...and I know that when she gets embarassed she usually takes it very hard and holds a grudge.
It also eats at me to think if she had only left her phone turned on, I wouldnt have gone over there. She never turns her phone off when she goes to sleep...so if I had called or messaged her and it rang but went to voicemail, I would have just assumed she had fallen asleep.
I know I have to leave her alone and let her be the one to show interest. I honestly dont see how she will think things could be better with me over the OM when he's made no mistakes and is very skilled in conversation. I talked to him for ten minutes or less and could tell he's able to say exactly what she needs to hear to make her think he's wonderful.
I haven't read much of your thread, but I wanted to comment anyway.
Why are you listening to what she says and giving it any credence in your mind?
Of course she says "she was willing to try" but you blew it. She's been looking for reasons to justify her actions, reasons to further blame you and you gave it to you. It still doesn't mean that your screw up is the real reason she won't try right now.
You are spending too much time thinking about her, thinking about OM (I know it sucks), thinking about saving your M. You need to be thinking about NSW.
Think of it this way: Your W is already gone, your old M is already dead. Any chance you have will be to have a new M possibly with W. You need to be thinking about yourself and want you want out of life; want you need to work on to be a better man, father, husband, friend, etc.
Look, I bet you are getting great advice her from the veterans who know so much. I bet you have been unable to apply it, unable to keep it in your mind when you need to the most. Start with some ACTIONS that are for and about you, not because you are trying to save your M. Know that in the long run, because of this you will be better off, NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Look, I bet you are getting great advice her from the veterans who know so much. I bet you have been unable to apply it, unable to keep it in your mind when you need to the most. Start with some ACTIONS that are for and about you, not because you are trying to save your M. Know that in the long run, because of this you will be better off, NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME.
Thanks Awoken. I am indeed getting sage advice from the vets, but you're right when it comes time to apply it my emotions get the better of me. It seems I keep getitng good advice but at the same time keep screwing up and doing all the wrong things.
I also have trouble maintaining focus on other things and not on my sitch/SO. That causes me to go on the emotional rollercoaster and play the blame game...first myself, then my SO, then back to blaming myself again.
It upsets me that there are people out there (like the OM) who would take advantage of my sitch and possibly keep my family broken up. It upsets me that someone my SO had known for 4 or so months had higher value/priority than someone she's been with for over 7.5 years. How can things work out that way?
