He has accused me of being cold in the past, so I think my 180 was backfiring on me. The times when I have shown more emotions and been really nice, are all the times I'v gotten postive signs from him.
This (you being "cold" in the past) may or may not be true, but going all "needy-grabby" on him while he is still carrying on an affair is NOT going to be effective. You need to maintain your distance. Try to look for opportunities for your husband to witness you being warm with OTHERS -- your kids are a great way, but also other men in social situations where you both are present.
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
