Actually mind. I think she was trying to assuage him...but I don't know what she is really thinking, I do not get the feeling that she was reporting in. But that is just me.
I meant about Brad's replies, specifically.
Out of here guys and gals. Have a great weekend.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Well...it's very different from the way in which I would have responded.
In response to "she was going home," "she fell asleep" I might have asked "are you feeling ok?" Going to pick up her GF because the weather "is going to be bad" might make sense if her GF doesn't like to drive in bad weather.
Listen and validate. Don't personalize anything. Don't assume anything.
Bradley / Elwood, have you read The Four Agreements?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I am stuck in the middle between Bworl and mind's excellent posts. They are a stark contrast to each other, but they both make sense. Arrrghh. I think I am in my own MLC now.
I'm gonna say this, While YOUR response was not the most stellar piece of unconditional , caring love that you proclaim to have.
The point is the fact that you are still WAY too wrapped up in what SHE is doing instead of focusing on you, and your boys having a great time together.
Before you say " No she didn't".......you were on the board posting while your boys were playing Wii......Trying to figure out why she does this or that...
So YOU let her steal your evening....Stop reacting to every little freakin thing and trying to spin a reason to this and what she is doing everytime there is an interaction....
So she was picking up her girlfriend....Maybe it was because the Toaster told her to do it......
The only thing you can control is whether or not YOU let her spin you out.
YOUR reaction, not what she is doing..is the only thing you can do something about...
So you weren't the best you can be ?
Do something about it, for you.......not her.
Mistakes are only deadly if you keep making the same ones...Learn from it, and move forward.
Don't let her off the hook by being who she needs you to be when she walks away......
Peace my friend....you know where I am....
Kerry, Sorry to hear about your Steelers Wheel moment....
The point is the fact that you are still WAY too wrapped up in what SHE is doing instead of focusing on you, and your boys having a great time together.
Before you say " No she didn't".......you were on the board posting while your boys were playing Wii......Trying to figure out why she does this or that...
So YOU let her steal your evening....Stop reacting to every little freakin thing and trying to spin a reason to this and what she is doing everytime there is an interaction....
So she was picking up her girlfriend....Maybe it was because the Toaster told her to do it......
Mach,
So it’s the toaster now telling them what to do, not the phone? Well there goes Trapt’s money maker…..
B,
I have to agree with Mach, not the best response.
It was filled with apathy.
I also agree you are still too wrapped up in the “whys” of her actions and her responses to your actions.
Again I will tell you, it really doesn’t matter why she is doing any of this. It really doesn’t and you are just making yourself crazy trying to figure that out.
Eventually, when she knows, she will tell you. Only then will you really know.
How you respond, how you react, how you SHOW her yourself right now, is what might make the difference.
What the end result will be…
No one knows right now. Not us, not her, not you.
Keep moving forward, learning every step of the way…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Guys I must be missing something. What was wrong with ElBrads part of that exchange? I don't see it.
Except for initally calling back after the first phone call that probably didn't need a response (because after all she's 4 hours away and it doesn't really matter to you what she's doing) ... what else was wrong?
What else could you say to that gammon bad-weather-picking-up-girlfriend story? You could say what you said or you could call her on it. Calling her on it wouldn't help - so 'OK fine' seems sensible rather than getting dragged into a fight. Did you say "OK Good night" in a cranky way? If not, OK GOod night is a reasonable thing to say to someone.
Validating is a powerful tool for things like your spouse saying “I have no choice but to leave you because you’ve never supported me” - then it’s sensible to say “I understand you feel that way.” Or “I fell out of love with you when you said you’d organise to have the landscaping done, but you never did it” “Your right Ms Elbrad, I should have got that landscaping done” …. But why would you validate stuff that’s simply attention seeking or crazy making?
ElBrad well done on the decisions you’ve made re changing jobs and moving. Shaking up our lives is uncomfortable and scary - but never without reward. Keep remembering that.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
thanks virginia... i was really trying to just be middle of the road... didn't think I did too bad.
cat I'm working on it.. but it's not going so well. again I'm not sure you all understand the scope of all of my dreams being crushed to pieces after 9 years of toiling away. having a hard time with that right now. having some questions about whether or not I really made the right choice...
Mindful we are snowed in here in NC... starting to go a little cabin feverish....
want to apologize for my last post. it was sortof uncool to say that "you don't understand". I'm sure you all understand better than anyone else in the world.
so my apologies for saying that.
you all have been so helpful and thoughtful. I do appreciate it and need to show that better!
again I'm not sure you all understand the scope of all of my dreams being crushed to pieces after 9 years of toiling away.
I really get it ... and I also think you've acted to shake things up a lot more quickly than many of us do, so you are ahead of the curve - and that means your emotions are on a fast track to catching up with your cognitive decision making.
I can't express strongly enough how hard it is to relearn the very old conditioning that decisions we make are forever. I think about it a lot in terms of careers and relationships.
We have this idea that decisions we make when we are in our early 20s are going to suit us (and those who make decisions with us) for the rest of our lives and it’s just not the case. We change, the world changes, the people we live with change. The person we were when we were in our 20s is a different person to the one we are now.
It’s thinking from a time when people didn’t live very long and didn’t have a lot of options. If you’re a Hunter in a tribe and you are only likely to live until you’re 35 or 40, it is absolutely acceptable to KNOW that you will marry your promised wife when you’re 16, you will undertake the ceremonial obligations your father taught you, you will have as many children as you can support on what your family and your land can provide.
That thinking is no longer useful for us and it’s OK to accept that.
ElBrad – I was a dynamo career woman on the fast track in the Capital when my marriage broke down. My mentors and I had all agreed on where I would be in 3 years, 5 years and 10 years. I’d just finished my second Masters degree and I was on top of the world. Youngest woman to do this, youngest person to do that. I was so full of pride (that it shames me to remember it!). I remember I even wrote a career plan that two of the most influential Mandarins in the Aust Government endorsed and committed to. Now I’m the Administrator in an Indigenous community in the middle of nowhere.
Is this where I thought I’d be in 5 years? Absolutely not? Is it where I’m likely to be in the next 5 years? No. Would I be anywhere else for all the tea in China? Not a chance. This has become the most fulfilling and useful thing I’ve ever done and when my friends-in-suits down south shake their heads and wonder when I’ll get over what they consider this self indulgent career detour I do let myself feel a bit smug – because they really don’t know what they’re missing.
Do the decisions I make today define the rest of my life? Only in so far as they define me – but I now understand that if I make a decision and it doesn’t work out …. I can make a new decision. It’s a very liberating thing to understand.
Take care.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
