I'm looking for some guidance from others that have been in this situation. WAW started having an EA with OM and then we separated (her choice). She moved in with OM.
After applying DB principles things were starting to look better. However, she recently informed me she is now expecting. She has also informed me that she 'made a mistake' and wants to work on our marriage. Now I'm the one who is backpedaling. I don't know if I can handle having another child in my home that isn't mine.
I know I'm not the first person to be in this situation. Any advice????
My 'stats' ME: 39 W: 36 D 5 D 2 SEP 9/09 Married 7 years
From what I've seen on here with the people in your sitch, they usually D their W.
It really comes down to you and your convictions. Your W is running back to you because the OM probably dumped her once she got pregnant. First things first. You're if you don't think you could handle having another man's child in your home, then don't do it. Remember, the child is an innocent victim in all this.
If however, you could, then you would have to see if your W is REALLY interested in coming back or just running scared.
Either way, the ball is in your court.
Prayin' for ya man.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You might want to ignore the kid issue. Do you want your wife forever?
If you do, then consider if can you forgive and somewhat forget her having sex and moving in with someone when you were married?
If yo do, then consider if you can hold a baby and just see a baby. If you can, you can love and parent him or her...1/2 is your wife. If you really don't like babies, can you handle hearing a cry that is 1/2 from a man who had sex with your wife? Can you put that aside - as said in the other post - the baby is innocent.
OK...so I lurk here lately and don't post hardly at all anymore. But I'm a few months ahead of ya bro.
W and I separated Sep 2008; multiple A's before and after she moved out. I wanted out at first and then decided that I wanted to DB to save me and my M. Fast forward to March 2009; W decides she might want back. DB'ing seems to be working. We had a date and some good convos..then, blammo...She's preggers. Certainly not mine, we hadn't had sex since a month before the separation; plus I'm neutered ;-)
She figures that I want a D; so I said "yes". Knew I didn't want this in my life. So we prepared a settlement and court wouldn't process it because she was pregnant; and in my state, the law considers it my kid. So we have to wait until the kid is born.
Meanwhile, A was on the rocks and this sent OM off. Claimed it wasn't his; didn't give any support through the pregnancy. So during the whole pregnancy, W starts pursuing me hard. Wants me to accept the kid as mine and we'll write OM off. I told her I was suspicious of her motivations for wanting to come back. But I did a lot of research and found that most of these marriages do not make it. I decided that I wouldn't do it; it wasn't fair to the kid to pretend to be her father. Later in life, she'd hate us for it. W was incessant; I was just waiting for the birth.
Birth occurs in early Dec. W still says that she doesn't want a D. Will wait forever; do whatever it takes. I watch and decide to call her bluff. meanwhile, OM has stepped up and really has done great with his daughter. I WILL NOT break that up; but now W is in a quandry. She wants us and our family; but also can't give up on the thought of providing her newborn with a chance at a "normal" family with OM and W. But OM will not give her any time of day except in the course of business as it concerns their kid. He's said if we divorce; he might pursue. But he said that she has to decide if she wants her marriage or not. This makes me think that he wasn't aware that she was married when they first got together.
So, curveball, take all that in. I believe that my W will decide that she wants out and that's OK with me. She hasn't changed since she left out and won't change anytime soon, if ever. The most I can say is that she actually told all of what she's feeling and she would've outright lied 1.5 years ago. So I thanked her for her candor. It's a start, if we make it.
Divorce doesn't make these sitches much better; because the dynamics never go away. We just become non-responsible legally for WAW. I'm in no hurry to D; but not scared of it either.
Good luck...it's a tough choice. Does the OM know that she's pregnant?
OH...consult a lawyer on your sitch; even if you don't divorce. This adds more complexity to sitch and you need to know your rights and responsibilities.
BTW, as onthemountaintop said; think about the innocent life. That baby needs to loved and not made at fault in all of this. My step-daughter is a beautiful child and I have a small bond with her; my kids absolutely love her. They know that I'm not daddy and right now are OK with that. I do worry what they will think when they are older. My S is 9 and my D is 5. But they will know that I made the right decision and will always care for their sibling; whether or not, the M survives. Think about that as well.
Notice in my sig I have a SD between my other kids.... My son was from before I met my W, we had a D5, SD2, and D1. She left me in 06, OM was abusive, she came back, I was taken, she left, got pregnant, I became single, she came back again. There was a possibility both ways because I cheated on my short term GF with my W while she was back. I knew it probably wouldn't be my child, and her expectation of me was if I was going to be with her it was going to be because I wanted her, not because the baby was mine. She defined a deal-breaker that if I didn't take her back before the pregnancy she wouldn't take me back at all. Sounds kind of demanding from a woman who is likely pregnant with another man's child, right? But I disagree because she explained her intentions. She wanted to make sure I loved her and if I didn't take her back regardless of the outcome of a DNA test she wouldn't believe me when I told her I loved her if the child was mine. As far as the child, it's hard to not fall in love with any child living with you. Many of our friends didn't know she wasn't mine biologically, and the majority who did still said I was the real dad. This is not to say things will be great forever - new things come up all the time. After we got back together we had 2 wonderful years, even better than before the breakup, but there were unaddressed issues waiting to be triggered. We have been put through so much hell by outside forces that our darkest inner selves came out. We tore eachother up badly, and stuck through it all until finally she couldn't take any more. We had hung on for 6 months of the worst things 2 people could do to eachother. Here's another thing to take into consideration, although I doubt if this really would apply to your case. Do you know for a FACT that she is pregnant? Have you seen a positive pregnancy test or something else definitive? The reason I ask is because my W has been pregnant no less than 3 times since she left this time. It's funny how she got pregnant that many times, because she had her tubes tied after our last. She wants a baby, something to connect her with OM, and that would be it... but it's not possible. This is a decision you have to make about the possibility of raising someone else's child. I do know that things can get better, but I would advise that you seek help doing it. Our main problem has been her mental disorders, and if we had addressed those I think all our other problems would have been workable before they escalated to where they did.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
I assumed that is what most people do. In my sitch, the OM hasn't dumped her, but she is the one saying 'what have I done?'. I agree with your 'running scared' possibility. I don't know yet, but I do think that is quite possible.
With regard to the child, you are exactly right. It isn't that little baby's fault this happened and he/she deserves unconditional love. My two daughters get that from me. I just don't know if this baby would receive 'equal' love from me. I think if I can't get to that point, then it isn't fair to anyone involved to even consider it.
I understand what you are trying to say, but I can't ignore the kid issue. While I do (or maybe did...I don't know!) want my wife, I don't think I can hold this baby and just see an innocent child. I'll see 'his' child.
I love kids (even babies at 3 am!)...wouldn't trade the experience of having and raising my two for anything.
Maybe in time that will change (I just learned about this 2 weeks ago), but for right now I just don't think I can do it.
Im my sitch OM is aware of the pregnancy and was aware she was married.
I have went ahead and got the D process started, but in my state as well, nothing will happen until the baby is born. I am the 'legal' father also, so OM will als be named in the filing. My atty states this is to put the court on 'notice' that this isn't my child.
I have a pretty good idea what path I will be going down (D)...it just sucks having to start to admit to myself.
