My exposing of the A hasn't pushed them to far apart. I'm sure he is seeing her right now, and will be again later tonight. I think they just laid low for a couple of days to see what happened. Unfortunately, I can't expose to the OWH until Monday evening.
I haven't told very many of our friends, just a few. However, one of them that my H will be seeing tonight (in between his meeting with OW) is one that knows. In addition, she is planning to tell him that she knows. Anyone have any advice on if there is anything our friend should say to him?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Sorry Allen. I thought you were disagreeing with my statement. " Any counselor worth seeing will NOT see a couple while an affair is ongoing!" Glad we kinda agree!
Except here: " Individual counsellors are not the same thing as a family therapist."
Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) IS a counselor and does individual counseling as well as couples counseling and whole family counseling.
Re: "Many people having affairs use their affair partners AS counsellors... thats part of the reason why counsellors are licensed... they ARE in a compromising position and need to maintain ethical standards..."
I believe people do this as a way to connect with potential/ current affair partners. "rescue me, save me, my-Spouse-is-so-bad-we-just-have-to-sleep-together, etc. It feeds the drama. And, of course, the things 2 people experiencing distorted thinking patterns come up with are distorted.
A good counselor will challenge these distortions (ie denial, justification, projection, etc).
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
My exposing of the A hasn't pushed them to far apart. I'm sure he is seeing her right now, and will be again later tonight. I think they just laid low for a couple of days to see what happened. Unfortunately, I can't expose to the OWH until Monday evening.
I haven't told very many of our friends, just a few. However, one of them that my H will be seeing tonight (in between his meeting with OW) is one that knows. In addition, she is planning to tell him that she knows. Anyone have any advice on if there is anything our friend should say to him?
How about "WTH!?"
Really tho, encourage her to speak from her heart.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
whatnow, Thank you for the advice. She is my closest friend and I'm driving her nuts already with stuff I think she should say to him. I know I should be GAL, but tonight I will be waiting by the phone for my friend to call with all the info she's gathered.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
My friend and her H, took my H out to a bar last night. I got a phone call from my friend while they were at the bar. She couldn't tell me much, because she could only talk for a few minutes. She told him that she knew about the OW, he said they were just friends. Moreover, sense he hired an attorney, he thinks he has it made with what his L told him. In addition, he said I only want him back because of connivance, not love. She never did call me back again last night, so I'm assuming they were able to get him to stay at their house. This is what they were going to try to do, so he didn't go back to see the OW. My friend told him that he shouldn't drive, and that he needed to stay. So now, I have to wait to get details.
However, I awoke up this morning feeling like sh*&t!!! I feel like such a fool holding out hope and that he is playing me. Feeling treated like 2nd choice. I know I need to be patient and see what happens when I finally expose to OWH. However, this is not good for my self-esteem.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Finally talked to my friend and a lot was said to her about me from my H. I won’t bore everyone with all the details. He denied the A, which I knew he would. We are just friends he said to them. I asked my friend what her overall impression was from him about us. She said honestly, I believe he is done and wants a D as soon as possible. Of course I was upset, broke down crying. Right then I had decided I can’t do this anymore and that I was going to file for D first thing Monday morning. Here is where it gets interesting
As soon as I got off the phone with her, my H is at my bedroom door knocking (I had no idea he was coming over). He said he needed to pick up some tools. I debated on whether to come out of my bedroom, because I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I decided to come out, and he seen me all upset and asked what was wrong. I just told him that I was having a bad day. He grabbed me, and started hugging me and I lost all my strength and started telling him how much I missed him. He started to cry, told me he was so confused and lost, and didn’t know what to do about us. I validated, and told him I can’t tell him what to do and that he had to figure that out for himself. We continued talking for about an hour, each of us telling the other how we felt and how we are both miserable. He asked if we could spend some time together tomorrow, and I said yes.
2x4 welcome.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
ok, that's more or less what I expected his state to be in.
your friend unfortunately is not a professional family therapist... so she's reading way too much into his mood.
The thing is, if your read Michele Davis her point on state of mind and leaving is quite clear
When things are really bad at home, there is eventually one person who has doubt take over... they get really sad, lost, confused, they sometimes begin an affair which makes things worse..
The thing is, this is how he feels right NOW... that does NOT mean that he can't feel GOOD about his marriage again with WORK...
The nasty cycle is that since he's IN this state, he isnt' motivated to DO the work.
The biggest problem when people get in his state is that they DO something they think will help - cheat, divorce, etc
Your friend talking with him IS helping... she should encourage him to do more of that... the more he talks to HER, the less he's going to talk to OW.
OK?
SO, again DON'T listen to how he feels or what he has to say right now. We have two goals :
1. Get OWH in the know asap. 2. Get your H feeling more positive about his M BEFORE he acts on his current state of mind. Keep him from DOING anything rash until we can DB some more and get him feeling a bit better.
It's ok for you and he to be having a hard time over all of this as long as you two work together and don't ACT destructively - by this I mean stop communicating, divorce, etc.
You guys CAN get through this.
Its good that he sees you hurt. What HE needs to be told by your friend is NOT to DO anything RASH.
Your friend is evaluating his current state of mind, not his potential state after some hard work by both of you.
Your friend needs to motivate him to stay married and do the work to get things better again.
He is WAY too confused right now and that OW is taking advantage of that.
Keep working on him... this is a good sign that he's confused... that mean's reality is setting in on him...
