Finally talked to my friend and a lot was said to her about me from my H. I won’t bore everyone with all the details. He denied the A, which I knew he would. We are just friends he said to them. I asked my friend what her overall impression was from him about us. She said honestly, I believe he is done and wants a D as soon as possible. Of course I was upset, broke down crying. Right then I had decided I can’t do this anymore and that I was going to file for D first thing Monday morning. Here is where it gets interesting
As soon as I got off the phone with her, my H is at my bedroom door knocking (I had no idea he was coming over). He said he needed to pick up some tools. I debated on whether to come out of my bedroom, because I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I decided to come out, and he seen me all upset and asked what was wrong. I just told him that I was having a bad day. He grabbed me, and started hugging me and I lost all my strength and started telling him how much I missed him. He started to cry, told me he was so confused and lost, and didn’t know what to do about us. I validated, and told him I can’t tell him what to do and that he had to figure that out for himself. We continued talking for about an hour, each of us telling the other how we felt and how we are both miserable. He asked if we could spend some time together tomorrow, and I said yes.
2x4 welcome.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Hi mb28 just thought I'd pop in as you say weekends are slow! Ok so youre gonna spend some time together tomorrow, what boundaries do you have in place to protect yourself from being hurt.
Dont get caught up and carried away by the sudden attention, he could dive back into his fogland and bad ways just as quick as he seems to have come out for a while.
My H wasnt having an A but we were separated for six months, he came visiting and then kept lingering longer and longer, after about his third visit I did the "though shalt not cake eat speech" on the grounds of that although I wanted to work on our M I also could not afford to go backwards mentally and physically.. Obviously as you have an OW in the picture so boundaries have to be set on you not sharing your H. Good luck tomorrow will be thinking of you.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Lost Rabbit, Thank you for replying. I've been asking for him to spend some time with me sense he moved out (not since I confirmed A). So a part of me is happy that he suggested it, however I don't want to get my hopes up either.
I think my problem with trying to do the 180 was not showing any emotions, and ignoring him. He has accused me of being cold in the past, so I think my 180 was backfiring on me. The times when I have shown more emotions and been really nice, are all the times I'v gotten postive signs from him.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Im now piecing with H have been since Xmas, but one of the things he came out with the other day was how hard he found it to realise how bad I thought of him, it seemed whilst in fogland he couldnt see that if hed gone so far already that having an A was only the next step and I could see that happening, thankfully I rescued the situation by saying I didnt think he was bad I just feared how bad he could go although something always told me he wouldnt, I didnt say that I wasnt convinced he wouldnt.
One of the sentances I always used when H didnt like my 180's was that I wasnt doing it to annoy him but doing to retain my mental and physical well being. As in I cared for him but I was and am still going to put myself first, one thing that really gelled with him was when I stated that I had realised I was a woman first and a wife and mother second and third. I think he wanted the woman back not the wife/mother persona I had taken on.
There is nothing wrong with being pleasant and nice but dont allow cake eating in any way shape or form, show that you now respect yourself too much to allow any of the crap he is dishing out to affect you, you can let it be known that as and when he finishes with OW then you are ready to listen and see what can be done but till then tough bananas your staying true to yourself.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
As soon as I got off the phone with her, my H is at my bedroom door knocking (I had no idea he was coming over). He said he needed to pick up some tools. I debated on whether to come out of my bedroom, because I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I decided to come out, and he seen me all upset and asked what was wrong. I just told him that I was having a bad day. He grabbed me, and started hugging me and I lost all my strength and started telling him how much I missed him. He started to cry, told me he was so confused and lost, and didn’t know what to do about us. I validated, and told him I can’t tell him what to do and that he had to figure that out for himself. We continued talking for about an hour, each of us telling the other how we felt and how we are both miserable. He asked if we could spend some time together tomorrow, and I said yes.
2x4 welcome.
OK, you asked for it.
MB, although exchanges like this will make YOU feel better (and will also relieve your husband's guilt), they are NOT effective DBing, and are very counter-productive in the long run.
Too "needy-grabby." Doesn't work.
This is how you should have handled it:
As soon as I got off the phone with her, my H is at my bedroom door knocking (I had no idea he was coming over). He said he needed to pick up some tools. I debated on whether to come out of my bedroom, because I didn’t want him to see me in this state. I decided to come out, and he seen me all upset and asked what was wrong. I just told him "I have some decisions to make. This isn't working for me."
Quote:
He started to cry, told me he was so confused and lost, and didn’t know what to do about us.
"Oh please. That 'woe-is-me' thing is SO unattractive. Please be clear, husband, you may not know what to do, but the decision is NOT all yours. I have some decisions to make myself, very soon. This is your mess; I do hope you'll decide to do the right thing and clean it up very soon, because I will NOT wait forever."
He has accused me of being cold in the past, so I think my 180 was backfiring on me. The times when I have shown more emotions and been really nice, are all the times I'v gotten postive signs from him.
This (you being "cold" in the past) may or may not be true, but going all "needy-grabby" on him while he is still carrying on an affair is NOT going to be effective. You need to maintain your distance. Try to look for opportunities for your husband to witness you being warm with OTHERS -- your kids are a great way, but also other men in social situations where you both are present.
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
puppy dog, Thank you for the 2x4's. It was just one of those emotional bad days, and I couldn't control myself. I will set boundries with him tomorrow. Sometimes I just have a really hard time knowing when to let him see my emotions and when not too.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
There is no good time to let him see them. Maybe ONCE (I did this -- twice, actually), so that he can see the depth of your pain and your true feelings for him. But after that, you need to do your crying in the bathroom or someplace.
