Just make sure you have good legal representation, Tom. Yes, you have a big job ahead of you, but you seem to have gotten hold of the principles of DBing....and actually "doing" them. There are many LBH's who just don't seem to get it. All LBH's are in pain, but when they don't hear what is being said or refuses to do what is advised....then I don't see much hope in their future. OTOH, I think you will make the most in spite of your stitch. Pulling back from contacting WW is a huge effort!
Sure hope other things, like selling the house, will go more better. I have read more than one thread where the WAS would wait until the day before the D was to go through and then ask for another chance. Stay strong and focus on your life getting better with or without her....and I do believe you'll be a winner!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - thanks. It is definetly hard to keep my sanity and remember to stick to the 180 as best can be, when most of the time I want to vent my anger at my wife. I guess I try to think of one of three things:
1 - The comment about not believing what you hear and less than 50% of what you see 2 - My future with my kids, and knowing I need to be strong for them too 3 - Cultivating the image of the calm, collective, got it together man who is not panicing and facing this adversity with strength
It is not easy, but I find when I am angry if I can just get one of those 3 things in my head quickly, I can control my anger and not say anything or just turn and walk away calmly. Also - I have sort of challenged myself and convinced myself if I can weather all of this, stay strong, be calm, not panic, I will have a life somewhere down the road with or without her, but either way a life, and find some peace and happiness. Always easier to say here - but I'm trying. Today - obviously - I am better mentally than yesterday - take one day at a time. More later...
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
I'm sure it would be hard to find the time for much extra (with all that you have going on) but if you can do any kind of exercise (walk, gym, punching bag) it would help get rid of some of the pent up anger.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes I agree - I have to try to introduce something like that into my life. I do walk to/from the train for work each day - 1 mile each way - so I get at least that and it does wonders to clear my thoughts. Nothing going on with W or the legal sep papers yet - still waiting for her to give them to me. Question for you - as I am preparing myself for when she hands them to me - best way to handle recieving Leg Sep papers?. I am thinking I should just accept them act kind of business like say something not nasty or wimpy maybe "Oh they are done - ok - I will read them over - get some legal advice - and I will let you know my response soon"........ Thoughts?
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
I've not experienced the legal part, so I don't feel qualified to help in that area. I have read what others have advised and they always say to act business and don't show emotions. They also say not to give any hints as to what you have planned. Let the lawyers work the legal details and you don't talk to W about it.
I think you already know all of that. You seem to be thinking clearly considering all that is going on.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks. Appreciate your advice. Let me ask another one. So let's say she gives me the legal seperation papers. I act business like and show no emotions - I'm preparing myself so I think I can do that. If LS contentious topic does come up along the way as I'm sure it will - I am thinking my response and consistent theme should be simple with no details like "I need to protect myself and my financial well being going forward" - something like that that focuses on me not her and not kids. I am thinking this is also showing the "confident man who will have a life with or without her". I think I answered my own question............
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
BTW - she planned a weekend in Atlantic City with her Facebook schoolgirl friends that are suddenly her best friends and the people that "provide her support and understanding". So she is away this weekend. I'm ok - its just utterly mindboggling at the actions - she NEVER would have done this in the past.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
I have read so many negative things about FB and how it has interfered with MR due to the fact one of the S will try to hook up with someone from high school or college days. In some cases, it is their way of escaping reality and trying to recapture a time when they were happy. So many people are reconnecting with old BF/GF and it's just crazy!
So, who knows what your W may be trying to accomplish, but it would not be healthy trying to figure her out. I don't think you are doing that as much as a lot of men do....and that's wise.
Yes, I think your answer to her questions about protecting yourself is what the experienced on the board suggest.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have stopped trying to figure her out - I realize its not possible anyway. I'm trying to focus on how I should react to her as we go along and I'm feeling pretty good that I know how to - just need to stick to it. Later.....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Quite by accident - I found a graphic picture of my wife on our PC placed there two weeks ago. There are also pictures from the day before of a man I do not know (fully clothed). Obviously - pictures were exchanged. When wife came home from Atlantic City tonight - she immediately went into conversation about my son having to leave the house and that I go too - she doesn't feel anything for me anymore and LS papers will be ready tomorrow as well. So - should I confront her about the picture - does it serve any purpose? She'll know that I know about it - but I'm not sure if thats worth anything in the DBing strategy.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
