Just a bit more about what I go through - I wake up crying and feeling alone and cannot wait to get to the end of day so I can come home and vegetate.
At home I arrive in the dark and have to turn on the heat and the lights and make something to eat for one. Occassionally, something isn't working - like the heater and I have to make calls for a repair and skip work the next day. I get sad walking past rooms that are empty and used to be full of people and activity. There is nothing in the mail often anymore - the phone never rings. Sometimes there is something to amuse my mind on tv anything else is too challenging when I am tired. I go to bed crying b/c that is when I miss my husband the most.
I do not watch movies anymore or listen to music b/c it upsets me. I cry when people die ( oh yeah, I think I mentioned my SIL died recently after battling with cancer and my brother didn't tell me or invite me to the funeral- and I thought we were family) I feel if I don't do something positive for someone else I think I will die- so I continue to help others as much as I can.
My so-called friends bailed on me after my husband left b/c they were too tired of him. Now they want back in my life but are too busy with their families to spend any time with me. Does this feels like a good life.? I don't agree.
I understand what you are going through. My house is way too big, and often way too empty! It's not how it was supposed to be, is it? But, it's what we have, so we have to make the best of it.
So, how can we get you back up? What do you like to do? I think that if we can get the ball rolling, even just a little, we can get positives to replace the negative, one by one!
I don't know how to answer... I have enough "things" to do - I have "things" I like to do- I just don't have the people I love in my life anymore and I don't have a life I want.
Can't change that - can only accept that - it stinks!
Seriously, nothing is working for me that is why I went to therapy and what I hear what I have been saying all along- I need to find healthy people/friends/spouse to be in my life. Is there a club somewhere they all hang out or a store where I can pick one up? B/c I don't have it in me to be sociable anymore. Heck, I don't know if I could ever trust anyone again and that is my greatest fear -becoming lonely, old, depressed and bitter- and I am pretty darn close if not already there.
Husband emailed today asking if we can change the car titles. I told him I wasn't ready for any negative discussion about our marriage - he said - fine stay married forever if you want but I think it is insanity - nothing has worked.... then I interrupted and reminded him that three weeks ago he was emailing me that he wanted to talk b/c he had made some progress and now he doesn't want to talk - how can we work on a marriage with that kind of instability -wants nothing works b/c he doesn't stay committed to changing anything - he said no therapy and hung up.
Therapist says he is just tantrummng - abnormal but that is what it is. Well, I have other things to deal with anyway b/c this is crazy making for me - but what I don't get is that I really am happier when we are together than not. I don't like the arguing and the walking away - the negativity - but when we tried to reunite last summer, three months of being good until it wasn't. We haven't been able to recoup.
I'm kinda thinking out loud here... is there anyway you can do some of the things you like to do in new places, with new people? Just to kind of expand you circle?
I'm hoping you don't go for depressed and bitter, because it doesn't sound good on you!
It is curious to me that you are happier when you are together... I found that the reduction in stress was really a good thing for me. Any ideas why that is?
I'm becoming more convinced that fear is our biggest enemy. So, beat the fear, and lots of things will get better.
Yes, it seems that everyone knows where it is but us. I think it is some kind of secret or you need a code.
I agree that depressed and bitter doesn't quite fit. I am disturbed that I see signs of it in me. Never was that way before.
I agree that fear is so much a problem lately. Never was afraid of anything in my life until recently. And I am not blaming it on my relationship difficulties. Something else is going on.
Nothing to be curious about the happier part... everyone looks at the difficulties and forgets that there are good parts. Can't tell if this is about culture/social changes or human nature. It is simple - when my husband is in my life - it isn't always easy but the good parts are: he is always there - he doesn't do guys night out - doesn't look at other women - likes staying home - we sleep together, eat together, go to work together, and shop together. He doesn't do chores but he does he own laundry. He also makes most meals and he makes sure I do things that are important for me. He insists on planning in advance to make things happen, and if I fall - he is there to take me to the dr. He doesn't do physical work but will help pay for someone else to do it. He wants me to have nice things when possible. He is protective of my time and energy. He loves to cuddle and is very affectionate - won't go anywhere without me.
Those are the good things. These are the things that people don't see. Most people don't live alone and understand that these things are important. His anger and walk away behavior is the problem. This stems from his past. This is all everyone else sees. I am caught in the middle seeing it all. That is why it seems to difficult.
I don't think you are crazy, sweetie, but think of some things that make you happy that do not revolve around your H and your R.
This depression is normal, we all have gone through it after a break up. I think we get so wrapped up in our spouse's lives that sometimes we lose sight of life on our own. One thing I have learned through all of this is it is a good thing to have a life of your own, outside of your S.
Have you seen a counselor? I did see one for about four months, and it did help. I also am on AD's, which I was on before the split, but I am not sure how I would have gotten through all of this w/o them. It might be a good thing to check into them even if it is temporary. Just to get over the hump.
Although this is difficult, it is time to create a life where Kassie is happy, where Kassie feels valued, and Kassie values herself. Love comes from within, as does happiness.
(((Kassie)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thanks for responding. Yes, I have been seeing a therapist - he is also our MC so he knows my H and the sitch. I agree with the part of being wrapped up - but I am the kind of person who can be wrapped up in a relationship and maintain my own life. It is actually how I function best - but most men don't appreciate it.
One of the problems right now is that my life revolved around my kids and they have left the nest - so it is feeling more empty than usual.
My plan had been to enjoy my time alone with H after the kids left. But now there is no H. But I have a pretty full life and many hobbies, interests etc. I am not make to be single. I do best married.
Thursday night I found a email asking me if I am ready to switch the cars ownerships. Since I saw this as something people do when getting D I called to ask if he had filed and was told no.
I then said that I wasn't ready to change ownership. His response was to say OK stay married forever but I think it is a mistake b/c we have tried and failed and then he hung up.
I thought about it overnight and emailed him the next day something like: you hung before I could say that we both have things we can be doing differently, quitting not included. explained once again that I thought a break would help to break the negative cycle, and if wrong ok. However if he really wanted to pursue a D then I would not fight, but since we can't agree on anything M what makes him think we can D cooperatively?
Having gotten any response not sure what that means. But it made me feel better to say it.
I know what you mean about doing better at being married. I loved being married. I do okay at being single...but find it is lonely.
I like your email to your H. It might give him pause to think. I am curious to know what his response will be.
(((Kassie))) hang in there...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
No response yet, can't tell if he is not interested, doesn't know what to do, or is respecting my request for space. Seems that all our relationship he leaves and then comes back. He never did that in his other relationships - he usually walked out and never went back. I always think this is the time he will not come back. Maybe that time is now.
But I have to remember that I am the one who has been setting limits on what is acceptable and what is not. I have to remember that I am taking control over my life - and giving him room to take control over his.
The hard part for me is the thought that when we get there will we be able to work this out or worse - what if one gets there and the other doesn't. I am miserable.
