Journalling - it's weird. I was in the above headspace when H came for Friday night dinner (weekly ritual). I was not in my usual nervous, how should I act, why does he hate me so much headspace. I was in he really hurt me, maybe I like being separated, I better protect myself from getting hurt again headspace.
And wouldn't you know H was sweet as pie. Could also be the talk we had last night, where he was more aware of being polite to me, I don't know. But he was super calm with both me and S.
He's usually a stress case to get out the door, but he lingered. He even "forgot something" and had to return. He joked "I'm gone for a minute and you've already locked me out?"
Very different vibe. It's nice. Still no romance, but if this keeps up I could see him lingering longer and longer...
The difference for me was I wasn't concerned anymore what he was doing, where he was going, who he was with. I had decided he's hurt me about as much as he can already so I have nothing left.
I had a surge more energy and strength today. I was finally in that headspace. Tonight, for once, I am feeling like being D from this person would be ok if he doesn't change. I feel at peace being separated, not like a dumped loser. I just don't feel like "trying" constantly anymore. I am ready for him to try. If he doesn't I'm at peace being alone with my S.
My H either noticed or I saw him in a different light through this headspace. We were chatting about potential flight excursions we might take in the future. It felt good that he wasn't totally shutting me out. But I didn't care anymore if he did. I didn't feel that giant pang of rejection about it that I usually do. It feels good for him to not have that power over me. I felt the power of - I don't know if I want this person any more.
It feels good to be strong, but it's also sad. I'm finally acknowledging my own pain in the R, instead of the LBS rejection pain. Instead of wanting H to recognize my pain, I'm recognizing my own. It hurts like H*ll. I've been in pain a long time. I realize part of me wanted to be separated. I would not have admitted this ever - but I had to admit to myself that I was in so much pain I wanted him out. Now that I can hear my own feelings perhaps I can work toward being heard. If H can't hear me, I know deep down what I need. I will not suffer.
You know, after everything that has happened, I dont think taking care of ourselves and feeling OK about it, is bad, the opposite, I think that is the trick to get out of the hole...
I am trying to stabilize the same "attitude", it's not easy with my H being all over the place. BUT, he needs to take care of himself, he made it clear with our separation we are 2 different people, we are not one anymore, I learnt my lesson, I am doing the best I can to take care of me. We are in similar phases. Good luck and stay strong, K
Some real progress in your headspace. It seems you are claiming YOU back from all the crap that has gone on over the last few years. Isnt it strange how them moving aside actually allows us to indulge in ourselves and what we really want again. As I cleared up this morning I actually thought to myself that if I had a little home of my own how tidy it would be and how little clearing up after H & S I would have to do as I like to put things away back in their home. I am no longer accepting responsiblity for keeping this house clean while they work, before I worked full time and kept house not brilliant but none the less, thats why I gave up work I couldnt do it all,but now back at work, I am just going to contribute my fair share to the household, when I have time I will do things when I dont well ce sera! Also ME time is important, I have things that fill my soul but maintenance time is now also a priority, but finding that difficult cos of money as you know now!
We came into these relationships independant women and some how we lose that and its that which probably attracted our mates in the first place, lets face it they were highly unlikely to go chase the often pathetic, scared, needy creatures we have become, so amen model yourself on H4L post marriage, get her back older yet wiser, but twice as sexy lol!
Fixing them wont work but just let them see we are fixing us and that they can fix themselves to if they can be bothered too and if they cant well someone else will get to play with Mrs H4L!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
@Kalni - Yep, that book hit me hard. I was really sobbing. I guess that was validating my own experience instead of focussing on being validated by H.
@R - Good for you and keep up the strength about the house. Your Me Time should be sacred by now although you may have to work a little harder to get it. And who knows? With H out of work, perhaps he'll start tidying up>
Isnt it an amazing book? Eye opener for me!!! (Thanks Transformer for suggesting it wherever you are!!!)I am now watching H facing his crucible. I am now able to turn inwards instead of turning to him to validate me. We are hitting THE critical mass in our R. If we get through it, we'll make it. If not..., well it will be ok... K
Hope, holy crap. You rock at your new insights and attitude. I totally think he could sense the difference. I do not doubt he can feel the pressure and expectations oozing from you when you're so focused on him and it puts him into fight or flight mode. Try to keep that detachment up! Whether it eventually draws him in towards you or it helps you be ok without reconciling, it's win-win.
Oh, PITA is pain in the ... I'm sure you can fill in the last word. LOL
Lost, you're on the money with us being independent women at one time and we morph into needy creatures. I was very young when I was serious with my H so I wasn't totally independent, but it was my mother I called when I had any problems (like a broken car, etc.). My H (then boyfriend) would get upset that I didn't come to him which is normal too--they want to be that fixer/hero. But I do think they then start to resent the very role they wanted. there needs to be a balance, I think. My H has recently mentioned about stuff I've had my father or his father do around the house and he asked why I didn't ask him. I told him I would have rather have chewed off my own arm than ask him for any help back then. Right from the beginning of our sep. I was dammed if I would ever ask him for anything. Maybe that ended up helping in the end...
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
It's nice to see that you're still here. I have taken a break for a while myself. Essentially, I got to the point where it sounds like you may be visiting now. I came to a place that I don't wonder what she is up to. I kind of enjoy coming home to no drama. I like the thought of being able to do what I want to do and finding value in myself. I even get ...dare I say..."excited" about what my future could hold.
Sounds like you may be hitting that spot too.
With that said, my W called a couple of weeks ago and asked if I wanted to come over to "her" place and watch TV with her. I kindly declined, but it came up again, and she's coming over tonight. The first time together in over two months.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you if you keep yours crossed for me
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Looks like I found my inner strength just in time. H is MIA this weekend "in the city" for the second weekend in a row - and "going away" next weekend for his birthday. I'm fearing an OW.
Thank god for you all as last time I heard of an OW, I didn't sleep all night. Today I recovered by calling a friend and realizing I'm not interested in his games. If he wants someone else, I'm not going to put one more inch of energy into piecing. If he's just being mysterious to have power and control, to see if he can get to me, it's not gonna work.
He did his usual last minute declaration of when HE would be free to S this weekend - to drop by tomorrow. 180 - for the first time I stood up to him. I texted (not called like I would have done before) him saying I need more notice and I already made plans with S so he is welcome to join us in the evening. NO QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS LITTLE MYSTERY. And seriously, I'm fine. Wouldn't have been before.
I feel like a fool for believing we were growing closer. Time to live for me and S. Could be the end, stay tuned. I have to be prepared to hear there's an OW without reacting. I'm just not going to care anymore. I have nothing left to lose.
He's either going to join us in a mature family or he's not.
It's so up and down, I just cant read him and I'm too scared to ask if there's an OW - if there is, I'd rather not know. It would be too much a slap in the face.
I'm tired of trying when he's putting in minimal effort if anything.
Actually, If Ali is right, and I can trust my intuition, I don't feel he has an OW. He's always been a loner. But I also feel he could be trying to hurt me so I'm not going to let him. My gut says he is just trying to have time to himself. That would be fine but I'm not interested in the games of mystery around it.
ARRRRRG~Just when I thought we were getting somewhere!~
On the other hand, when there's an OW doesn't the anger amp up? His is toning way down! Maybe it's because he's getting laid I don't know! I don't want to flip out at him if it's nothing, I don't want to be accomodating to him if there's an OW - Arg here I go again obssessing. Not going to do it. Going to make a movie night with my girlfriend and enjoy the sunshine with S!
I know exactly how you feel, when I thought H had one too! Embrass it and feel it and the more you get your head round it the easier it gets, like you say its almost freeing to know rather than wonder. Have to say my instincts are with you, but who knows, I know so many say I dont think there is someone else on this board only to find there is, and they all go a bit I told you so, but just as many dont have someone either..
Go and enjoy yourself and keep yourself focused on you and S that is all that matters H is a grown man and he can fend for himself and you WILL live without him what ever he is doing!
(())
Rabbit
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
If there's an OW, you will know soon enough. It's almost like the bigger question is the continuing mind games and the willingness to make you wonder if there might be an OW. WAS does nothing to alleviate the fear that they know must exist, thus they seem to use it as a control or torture method. Yes, only YOU can control your own emotions, but his taking vague weekends in the city while you are in MC seem a game to make you purposefully wonder while he's keeping you on eggshells over whether or not he will recommit to relationship.
It would be easy enough for him to be clear about whereabouts to put your mind at ease while in MC. But he won't. Have you brought this up as an issue in MC or will it be turned into you "trying to control him" when he's "free" because you are separated, but in MC.
I'm sure you can fill in the last word. LOL
I don't know! I don't want to flip out at him if it's nothing, I don't want to be accomodating to him if there's an OW - Arg here I go again obssessing. Not going to do it. Going to make a movie night with my girlfriend and enjoy the sunshine with S!