I posted this in your other thread.... Think you could pull this one off. If you want to take control of your stitch. Think about this.
Originally Posted By: cutterbug
He is getting his ego stroked.
Instead of being busy and tiptoing around the next time he comes over.
Make it no next time.
You want to get through to him. He is a Male. He is wired like a Male.
You tell him that you need the kids taken care of on the weekend of Feb 12th. It would be best for Friday night and Saturday and Saturday night. You will get the kids on the weekend.
He asks what your doing. You say. I am going away for 2 days with a friend to dicuss my marriage , i have a few things I need to get off my chest. Enjoy your weekend with the kids.
You pack your over night bags. And go away for 2 days.
And then when you get back. You pick up the kids. Act like your hung over and tired from being up all night. But have a little glow on you.
When he asks how your weekend went.
You say. I had a good weekend. Many ups and downs.
And walk away like your alittle sore. Maybe even have a little bruise on your arm or something that only he would notice as he is wired to notice.
Do that.
Then watch what happens.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I am a big fan of Chapman's the Five Languages of Love. Could the statement that she is the only friend he can talk about his relationship with his wife, be a cry to you that he needs to have some quality time and conversation with you?
What are your husband's primary languages of love? Do they include "quality time?"
You are obviously very (and rightfully) angry at your husband for his affiar, but prior to that was he being told that you loved him in the languages of love that made him feel loved?
These are things you may want to think about once you have the situation more undercontrol.
Right now you are in divorce busting mode, but at some point you may need to shift into relationship building mode. When that happens you may want to have done some reflection on where things went wrong in your relationship and what changes you can make to insure this will never happen again.
Stay strong and good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
These are things you may want to think about once you have the situation more undercontrol.
Right now you are in divorce busting mode, but at some point you may need to shift into relationship building mode. When that happens you may want to have done some reflection on where things went wrong in your relationship and what changes you can make to insure this will never happen again.
Yes, I agree, these would be great things to do once he ends his affair, and chooses to work on the marriage with you, unencumbered.
Thank you for your reply. I am having a hard time figuring out what he is getting from OW that he wasn't from me. I think, mostly for my H, it was someone to talk too. The last year I've been in school full-time, plus working full-time. And I haven't been very pleasant to be around during this time with the stress. I think I was taking it out on him. So whenever he was trying to talk to me about what was happening with him, I would ignore him, and think to myself, I don't have time for this. Now I'm not sure if I could convince him that I understand that now and how I understand that I was treating him poorly.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I am a big fan of Chapman's the Five Languages of Love. Could the statement that she is the only friend he can talk about his relationship with his wife, be a cry to you that he needs to have some quality time and conversation with you?
She is NOT "just a friend" and you know it. Have you read NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? It's a great book for understanding infidelity.
But it does sound like your H craves quality time; he couldn't get it from you so that's what he gets from OW. Good knowledge to have once the A is busted.
I like Cutter's suggestion for a couple days out of town to create some mystery. If H needs "a friend" to confide in then let him see what it feels like when you find that friend also. I did similar things to let BF wonder just what I was up to and with whom.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
My exposing of the A hasn't pushed them to far apart. I'm sure he is seeing her right now, and will be again later tonight. I think they just laid low for a couple of days to see what happened. Unfortunately, I can't expose to the OWH until Monday evening.
I haven't told very many of our friends, just a few. However, one of them that my H will be seeing tonight (in between his meeting with OW) is one that knows. In addition, she is planning to tell him that she knows. Anyone have any advice on if there is anything our friend should say to him?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
My friend and her H, took my H out to a bar last night. I got a phone call from my friend while they were at the bar. She couldn't tell me much, because she could only talk for a few minutes. She told him that she knew about the OW, he said they were just friends. Moreover, sense he hired an attorney, he thinks he has it made with what his L told him. In addition, he said I only want him back because of connivance, not love. She never did call me back again last night, so I'm assuming they were able to get him to stay at their house. This is what they were going to try to do, so he didn't go back to see the OW. My friend told him that he shouldn't drive, and that he needed to stay. So now, I have to wait to get details.
However, I awoke up this morning feeling like sh*&t!!! I feel like such a fool holding out hope and that he is playing me. Feeling treated like 2nd choice. I know I need to be patient and see what happens when I finally expose to OWH. However, this is not good for my self-esteem.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
They may still be together, but I assure you that the dynamic of their conversations has changed dramatically since being exposed.
No longer all mystery/intrigue/romantic, they are now dealing with the HASSLES of everyone knowing, what they're going to do about it, legal stuff, etc. etc. etc. They are most likely highly AGITATED conversations and interactions.
People are not at their best when pressured and agitated; the hope here is that by applying pressure to the illicit couple, their relationship will break. It's not guaranteed, of course, but it's better than leaving them to their fun, light, romantic ways.
I would strongly discourage this. First of all, you're still sounding very ANGRY (and understandably so, don't get me wrong), and exposure should never be done out of anger or SPITE. It should be done to try to exert pressure to end the affair and SAVE THE MARRIAGE.
Secondly, it should only be done to a very close circle: OP's spouse, your spouse's parents and adult siblings, your spouse's employer (if their affair is taking place at work), and maybe a key BEST FRIEND/influencer of your spouse.
Most people regret having exposed so widely. I know I did. If someone asks you point-blank, I wouldn't recommend lying to them, but I would keep it to the above circle.
