I think this forum rocks! and you know why? because you guys are giving advice from "the front line", and I am getting a pretty good idea of how a guy might think, and believe me , my dear H is like a nightware on the feeling sharing department, he is the total macho man who SAYS "I doesn't need anything" I know that is not true , but man is he stubborn and uncommunicative.
I am working in stopping the nagging , which so far has been pretty successful, since I have being able to contain it almost every time, and yesterday as soon as one bad comment "scaped" out of my mouth--I really couldn't help it -- I apologized to him for my behavior and hugged him and kissed him.
I am also going to work on supporting him with his job problem. I think I have done well before, but somehow he feels responsible still. I happened to have moved to this town with him when he got what he thought was his dream job, which unfortunately turned out to be a huge disapointment for him, BUT, I found a GREAT job that I love and he knows that, so even though I have absolutely no problems with leaving this job and moving away when he get a job in a town we like better, I think he still feels bad about it, very responsible. I have told him many times that a job , regardless of how much I like it, means nothing to me if he is not there, so I am truly , from the bottom of my heart OK with it, but somehow he still thinks he is asking too much ??? I don't quite get that, to me a job is just a job. Should I keep on reasurring him how little it affects me where and what I do if we are together?
Also, I have asked my H many times what he likes me to do for him, as a way of showing my love and appreciation to him, but he always says "nothing" and that actually gets me pretty mad. What do you males normally would like to see from your wife's that tells you that you are appreciated, admired and supported? I feel pretty stupid, but I really don't think I have been good at this otherwise we wouldn't be having problems.
Any "secrets" ---and BTW, no sex, since he is the LD spouse, that would apply more for me --
I feel real bad for you. I wish I could give you idea's to flip his switch as I'm HD and like you have been since very young, I have a hard time relating to men that are LD, it just seems to me that they are miss wired or have poor hormone production or something. I think you might get some good help on the LD from him in Michelle's books or others. You might think back to some of your "better sessions" to find out what might turn him on. What did he say he liked or enjoyed, what did you do that seemed to turn him on the most. Use that as starting place. The other area, yeah keep reminding him you love him and trust him and keep the "nagging" down. Now, asking for something is not the same as nagging. (unless you ask all the time) The "nothing" is a defense thing that you need to forget about. The "nothing" means he isn't going to help you at this point figure out what he wants dirrectly. (sad) Think back to what you did in the past that he really liked, there is your clue. Has he ever asked you to do something that you have forgot about or not got around too? If so, better late than never. What are this guys hobbies and interests? You have been married 2 years and known him before that what makes him tick? Have you not followed through with learning something about his hobbies that he has offered and durring your busy life have not got around too? Example, my wife has told me she wanted to learn to shoot to hunt with me once in awhile. Over the years I have got 3 different guns for her, taken to the trap club for lessons 2 times. Now I have suggested we go practice shooting a number of times and each time she has been "busy". Now I get blamed because I didn't take her out to practice! NOT fair! She needed to put forth a bit more effort, like "I can't go shooting this Sunday, but next week I can". So if now she came to me and said I want to got shooting and I have time to do so on this Sunday or what night is the skeet range open? That would get my attention. If you turn us guys down more than about 2 times we start to feel you really don't have an interest in what ever it is you said you want to learn. Again I hope this helps you.
It is so cool that you are inspired to do all you can to make your relationship better. Yeah for you!!!!
One thing you might want to keep in mind is that many, many people link the identity of themselves with their jobs. It defines who they are, you know? If your H is not happy in his job, then more than likely he is not happy with himself.
You don't seem to be a person who defines yourself by your job or your job title -- very good for you. But he does. This is a very important thing to keep in mind, especially when it comes to the support you give him.
When he talks to you about his job, he is talking to you about 90% of his life. One way you can be supportive is to ask him open ended questions. Like, "Wow. I see your point. What do you think you're going to do about that?" By asking him such questions, it shows you care, but you are not belittling what he perceives to be a big problem, and you are not trying to SOLVE his problems, see?
Hey, you may want to take a look at the inspirational stories on these boards. They may give you some ideas... there's a great one, entitled, It takes one to tango...
Just a thought. Keep going, girl, you'll get there!!
Quote: Should I keep on reasurring him how little it affects me where and what I do if we are together?
Yes, keep doing this. We hear it and believe it sometimes. But don't forget, we're hunter and gatherers. If we don't bring home enough meat, we're going to feel bad. We will think we have failed you. To shield you from these feelings, we will shut you off from them. My W would always try to get into my head and I wouldn't let her. No need for her to deal with this man's business. Get him a card or two once and awhile. M W used to get a card at the drop of the hat. I used to poo poo at them but them meant something then. I was looking at them earlier today with tears in my eyes wishing we were there again.
Quote: Also, I have asked my H many times what he likes me to do for him, as a way of showing my love and appreciation to him, but he always says "nothing" and that actually gets me pretty mad. What do you males normally would like to see from your wife's that tells you that you are appreciated, admired and supported? I feel pretty stupid, but I really don't think I have been good at this otherwise we wouldn't be having problems.
The reason I would answer this question like this because in my macho mind I don't want you to put yourself out. I've already caused you enough grief. Just saying it's ok is good. We may come back and say it won't be but that sticks with us. I'm looking on my desk at a plaque my W gave me when I was going through a hard time. It says believe. Again, I have a tear in my eyes wishing those times were here again.
That's all the material I have. I hope my ramblings help. Check out my thread and see if you can offer any advice to help the kid out. W wants out of sex starved marriage! Help!!
Quote: Also, I have asked my H many times what he likes me to do for him, as a way of showing my love and appreciation to him, but he always says "nothing" and that actually gets me pretty mad. What do you males normally would like to see from your wife's that tells you that you are appreciated, admired and supported? I feel pretty stupid, but I really don't think I have been good at this otherwise we wouldn't be having problems.
Check out Love Languages, do you know what his are and does he know yours. Also Mars/Venus series.
-- I apologized to him for my behavior and hugged him and kissed him.
