I too know of the struggles this brings. My H is extremely depressed. It's very painful to watch depression (in this extreme) rob the person. I am uncertain as to what to do with our marriage. Not sure entirely and to what extent this plays a role...... He is a mess a lot of the time.....
My W has bi-polar and was recently diagnosed (Nove 09). She completely destroyed her career and almost her family last year due to a manic phase. She went through a manic phase 10 years ago (before I met her) that caused a divorce for her and now knowing all the details and with a good Dr. it is much easier to see how it all happened.
Them realizing they have a problem and getting medicated are two things I don't think you can make happen. They have to realize it. Things are much better in my situation....for now
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
So.....do you ride it out....while they are sick? Or walk away? Of course things are much more complex than that but not sure what to do....had people say would you leave him if he had cancer?
Just found this thread and although my wife is only depressed, I might be able to help because my mother has been bipolar for my whole life she is 77 and I am 55. My D23 is also bipolar. My mother is incurable has been on and off meds her whole life. She has been in jail, many different psychiatric centers, nothing seems to keep her on her meds. I am familiar with baker act, voluntary admissions.... I think I have seen it all when it comes to bipolar.
My D23 on the other hand got diagnosed after a little bit of a struggle, she went for outpatient therapy and started on Abilify. Being that she grew up in my house and was familiar with my mothers struggles she has accepted her mental illness and is VERY Responsible for her own care. This is key! We have had some minor issues but she has taken herself to her doctor and gotten her meds adjusted on her own!
I am mostly on the MLC boaard but I will try to check in here once in a while to see if I can help anyone.
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So.....do you ride it out....while they are sick? Or walk away? Of course things are much more complex than that but not sure what to do....had people say would you leave him if he had cancer?
I think some of the answer to you question IMHO is based on the severity of the illness and the willingness of the other person to get help. With my mother no matter how much we want to help her or try to force her to do something she resists. She was the one who finally D my father after years of him standing by her. He would never leave someone who was sick but her illness consumed her and everyone around her. It of course is you decision but I think the question of whether you can detach and leave her to sink to the bottom to really get her own help is the key. If the other person does not want to get help you are really fighting a losing battle.
Good luck.
Also I am in the alt. if you need to contact me. I hope this helps someone!
As it happens, I am the bipolar spouse. I was a WAW and royally screwed up my entire life before finally seeking help for myself in August '09. I would love to answer any questions I can.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Well......I have decided to be done with him and the marriage unfortunately. As he refuses to get counseling for himself. He has an appt to see a psychiatrist tomorrow but will he follow through with the meds....he is a drinker ...so they are less effective. I caught him cheating again...on Friday. I can walk away knowing there was nothing else left I could've tried or done for himself and his health.
Yes, I left my H. In 2006 I began an EA/PA with another soldier and moved in with him and his W. His W and I were good friends during that time, which I know is highly unusual. I felt that my H was still too close since we were all on the same military base. I traveled out of state with our then S1 (now S4) to live with my parents. Ex OM was supposed to join me as soon as he finished separation from the military.
Once in NE, I discovered I was pregnant with S2. It was assumed that S2 was OM's son. Despite that in September of 2006 ex OM left me for another of our friends. He still kept in contact with me, tried to assure me basically that he could keep us both. At which point I either found an ounce of self-respect or an ounce of reality (not sure which really). Told him that I am nobody's standby, and that if she was stupid enough to take him she could have him. I did continue to talk to him. I went to jail in November, just a month after turning 21. When I was convicted and sentenced to probation in January 2007 I was ready to go home to the right man. Amazingly, my H seemed to want me to come home. Making arrangements and figuring out details and finances (I'd done a number on those during 2006) took about a month. When I got there, it was to watch my H get on a plane to Iraq. I sold all of our household goods and returned to NE (as we planned).
While in jail I had asked for an IC because of depression. One of the conditions of my release was that I continue to see her. Not once in 6 months of weekly appointments did she ever consider that my behavior indicated bipolar disorder. Not until I was in NE again last August (2 1/2 years later) while H was in school did the real problem come to light. I went back to the same IC and explained my suspicions of bipolar disorder and my symptoms and she immediately agreed that this must be it.
After S2 was born I still kept in occasional contact with ex OM, though not physically. But I had not dealt with the EA and it therefore was still an underlying problem. Got fed up with ex OM, his GF, his ex W, and all their drama and went NC finally in fall 2008. In spring 2009 the friend ex OM left me for wanted to "make things right" with me. I should have walked away, but instead I thought this was a great way to attain closure. We got to be friends again, spent time together, and ex OM and I never sought to renew anything. I avoided being alone with him for any reason. But I enjoyed having the friends back.
In August 2009 I finally got help, I got stabilized on medication, and I realized what I had really done. And the saddest part is, at the time when I was finally getting well and finally seeing how devastating it must have been to my H, he was beginning a PA. I realized that I wanted my H, and my M, and my sons. I wanted to be the woman he had married. I saw all the extra twists of the knife I had given, even after the A ended - calling ex OM, keeping his W as a close friend, spending time with ex OM and his GF (??!!!). These are things that never even occurred to me as being wrong because when you are either manic or depressive it is impossible to see all angles of anything. You're lucky if you get a clear idea of one facet of any given situation.
It's hard, really, to even describe that time to now without becoming very emotional. Before I got help I can name only a handful of times in my 5 years marriage that I could say 100% I was myself, I was clearheaded, I was not cycling. One of those was sitting in a jail cell, and finally realizing what I had done to someone who loved me. And another was the day I finally realized I must be sick, to have devastated my life. There were a few others, but those two stick out.
You can also check out my comments on my bipolar thoughts and actions:
And if you have an interest in this latest chapter of insanity and how I am coping now that my bipolar disorder is under control, this is my current thread:
I hope I have answered your questions adequately. It is still hard to explain. Because I can never give you a completely accurate description of what it's like, and because it hurts so much to have had your own mind turn on you. I did not want to be a monster or to ruin what was set up to be an amazingly great life.
And all I can say is, please, if your S is bipolar or you suspect they are, please do what you can to get them help. I know that at the end of the day you can't force the pills down their throat or haul them to an IC. But I didn't even know I was sick for so, so long. My mind wouldn't slow down enough to allow me to see how sick I really was. And the people who knew me didn't help me. No one tried to tell me how bizarre my behavior was or that maybe I needed counseling. Most mentally ill individuals are not going to be in a place (IMHO) to help themselves by the time their condition has become evident to the world at large. So basically, if you can see it, they most likely can't.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Thank you undefeated, It is always good to hear about experiences people with bipolar have gone through. What kills me is that he has done and said things that have hurt me so much but yet he can't see it. But if I even remotely raise my voice, he breaks down. That's just not right, how can he feel hurt but not see my pain?
I am sorry he has hurt you. And I know it is no consolation that he doesn't understand what he's done. The rational mind says, "Well he damn well should know!" And I agree. But you are dealing with someone who is, at best, rational 5% of the time.
He has blinders on. He exists in his own world. There's a constant crowd in his mind and so focusing on you is nearly impossible unless you cause him pain. None of this is a complete description. He probably literally cannot focus on you unless you inflict a strong emotion. And there are certain bipolar individuals who actually experience both mania and depression at the same time. I did, and it is bizarre to say the least. So not only is his mind racing and unfocused (if he has this particular malfunction) but he's sad and sensitive. It's not right, and it's not fair to you, but it is part of the disease.
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Why won't he even call?
I want you to understand that this is my best guess. I'm no psychiatrist and the disease process is unique to each of us.
IMO it would depend upon his state. If he is manic, you probably don't enter his mind. He chases whatever idea his mind can fix on at that exact point in time. For me, it was easier to fixate on things and people that evoked strong emotion. I was also hyper-sexual (a typical manifestation of bipolar disorder). This meant that what I could most often focus on was men who made me feel sexy. I could focus on my husband when he made me angry or sad. Unfortunately and shamefully, even my son rarely had my full attention. I took care of him in the sense of his basic needs, but I was never really all there. I sought things that made me happy, even fleetingly. It could sometimes keep the depression at bay for awhile.
If he is depressed then he probably feels everything is his fault. And I didn't just mean any affairs or that he's abandoned you. I do mean everything. Things he couldn't possibly control - the weather, traffic, the washing machine breaking - once a bipolar person starts to spiral to the bottom, it is definitely a snowball race. And we wallow there until the mania kicks back in. I felt utterly alone, and this is when many begin to question whether the world would not be a better place without them or if death would be better than this horrible existence. The bottom of the well is not a pretty place to be.
And if by some chance he is "lucid" at this time he may be staying away from you out of guilt and remorse. He may feel he has done enough damage, too much to come back to you. He will probably draw himself into a depressed state out of guilt and shame.
This man literally does not have the ability to be the man you married. He isn't necessarily lost forever, but he is currently lost within his own mind. Imagine if you will trying to swim upstream in a huge crowd. For his real self to push to the front takes a colossal effort, even if he wants to. I'm not saying he has other people in his head (totally different diagnosis ) but it's a fairly good analogy.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
) but it's a fairly good analogy.