Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[Sanderika]

Hi kissak,

After reading your last post, one thing came to mind.....

SELF-PRESERVATION

We (you, me and others here) have been so hurt by the actions of our spouses that we had to put up that barrier (wall). It was not a choice made by us, in a sense. To me it was a necessary to survive. It was created out of the hurt and pain which was a product of their betrayal and what appeared to be a sudden lack of love and concern for our existence. It happened to us, not by our control. What they did (to us) will have an impact on us for the rest of our lives.

Yes, we can still love them.

Yes, we can forgive them.

Yes, we can overcome this all.

It will take time. They need to earn "us" back. They need to prove that they are worthy of our love and forgiveness.

It's like teaching a baby to walk. A baby needs to learn to trust that they will be OK on two legs. That no harm will come to them if they just let go of your hand or the arm of a chair and take that step. It takes courage....It takes trust.

We need to feel we can trust them before the wall comes down completely. This is the work they have to do (all by themselves). We nor anyone else can help them. We can encourage them by being here. We can encourage them by caring and loving and accepting them and what is happening now. I still feel the distance is necessary until they completely accept us back.....just as we are, as well. They can't try and change us. We have changed. We are in control of us, once again.

Therefore, SELF-PRESERVATION is guiding our moves.

When we are not around them we can think of all kinds of good stuff to say. In front of them our SELF-PRESERVATION kicks in.

We want to be honest and endearing to them. We hesitate because our SELF-PRESERVATION kicks in.

We are scared to let them "back" too far. Our SELF-PRESERVATION does not want us to get hurt by them ever again.

After living this he!!, I can't ever imagine letting go of my SELF-PRESERVATION completely, I feel it will always be a part of my life regardless of any relationship I may be in.

Only his repeated positive and loving actions and time can change all of this.

Yes, piecing is hard....from what they say....for those who can endure the difficulty, it is well worth it.

You are doing it right. Slow is right. I agree with Mishka.

I do think you both are wanting the same thing right now and that is one of the first steps. A baby step. Courage and trust to continue will follow.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika