About six weeks ago, I found this site when searching for divorce support forums. When I posted my story, some people were nice but it was an overwhelmingly bad experience, with mocking and childish responses. Long story short, my husband cheater, it is a dealbreaker for me, I filed for divorce three weeks ago, we have a mediation in 2 weeks to sort out finances related to the house and kids' educations.
Although I found an online message board that had members similar to the situation I was in - people who didn't like the idea of divorce but felt it was the only option after infidelity. But I wanted to post here one more time because there's been a similarity in the stories the divorcing spouses say, much in the same way a wayward spouse has a "script" that they follow. I don't mean this as attack on the DB principles, surely it must be helping people as it seems to be a robust community. But I wanted to post this for people who are on the receiving end of divorce - as in the ones who DON'T want to get divorced. I posted the list that seems to be repeated a lot, and it seemed like my stbx husband was following some of these suggestions, although I don't know if this was the specific site he was using. There seems to be a lot of cross-over from other sites, as there's a theme in how to stop a divorce. I wanted to touch on three major ones.
1. All of the tips about faking how you feel - not crying when you feel like crying, begging, acting like you are having a great time when you are miserable. All of the divorcing spouses I've talked to - this includes those who have done the betraying and were the betrayed talk about how this is such a catalyst in making them push their divorce faster.
It's true. I was married to my husband a long time. I could tell that he was faking his feelings. After all the lying from the infidelity and his affair, he kept saying that he wanted to get together, but he was still lying. That's my point of view. But another person who was the one that had the affair made a good point too, and this might be useful to some.
He said that he had cheated on his wife and was going through a divorce. But one of the reasons that made him file faster and refuse marriage counseling was how his wife would tell him that she wanted him to be happy, no matter what that meant. He said that solidified in his mind that the woman he was leaving had so little respect for herself that she wanted part and not all of him made him see that he was in a marriage with a shadow of person.
2. All the tips on not saying "I love you." If you are the one who is being divorced, don't give in to what you think the other person wants to hear. Meaning, if you still feel love for that person, tell them you love them. You might not get an I Love you in return, but at least you are being truthful with your emotions.
And if anyone has seen the movie Adaptation, there's a great line in there: You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.
All the people that I've talked to agree: you might still love the person you are divorcing, but loving someone does not mean you should be married to them.
3. I don't have personal experience with this, but it's something that several ppl have mentioned. If you play the game of purposely not answering phone calls, emails, texts, whatever to make the other person think you are busy, but you are actually agonizing over them is a problem.
Playing the game of showing them only the happy side of yourself or you are curious about their whereabouts. A lot of of the divorcers (the ones initiating the divorce) talked about this often. In a lot of cases, there was a separation and talk of divorce, and some of these tips (again, not specifically DB but same in thoughts and action) made the divorcer think: Ok, she's happy, or he's not worried about where I am.
But the "new" you that you are trying to show your divorcing spouse is also the fake you. It seems that if you are not honest with yourself and fake it, IF your spouse comes back, you'll most likely lapse into the real you (the one who likes to know where their spouse is).
If your spouse can't handle the person you truly are, if you're faking it to get them back, it will most likely backfire. Everyone on this board is worth being loved for who they truly are...not the image of the person they think their spouse wants them to be.
And one more quick thing...if anything, it is important to realize how valuable you are as a human being. Because my husband cheated on me, it doesn't change who or what I am (except my tax filing status). Nothing important has changed. And just because my husband cheated, he really is a great guy and I hope he finds someone that he doesn't feel the need to lie to. Clearly it wasn't me, and I am extracting myself from that situation.
The reason that people say to get a life and all that is because it's important to know someone else is not at the center of your world. You have to value yourself as an equal in your marriage, so if your spouse is "cake eating" and you don't say immediately it should stop, it says more about what you think about yourself.
Someone mentioned once that a lot of people on this board would love to be in the position I was in, my stbx wanting to make ammends. That is a ridiculous thought. I wanted to shake him and say, we both deserve someone who loves us. I moved quickly on the divorce because there's no reason to linger over what's already been over.
I hope this helps some people. It helped me to read here and see why he was acting the way he did, so it might help others to explain the point of view of the one who is filing for divorce.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
