Journalling - it's weird. I was in the above headspace when H came for Friday night dinner (weekly ritual). I was not in my usual nervous, how should I act, why does he hate me so much headspace. I was in he really hurt me, maybe I like being separated, I better protect myself from getting hurt again headspace.
And wouldn't you know H was sweet as pie. Could also be the talk we had last night, where he was more aware of being polite to me, I don't know. But he was super calm with both me and S.
He's usually a stress case to get out the door, but he lingered. He even "forgot something" and had to return. He joked "I'm gone for a minute and you've already locked me out?"
Very different vibe. It's nice. Still no romance, but if this keeps up I could see him lingering longer and longer...
The difference for me was I wasn't concerned anymore what he was doing, where he was going, who he was with. I had decided he's hurt me about as much as he can already so I have nothing left.
I had a surge more energy and strength today. I was finally in that headspace. Tonight, for once, I am feeling like being D from this person would be ok if he doesn't change. I feel at peace being separated, not like a dumped loser. I just don't feel like "trying" constantly anymore. I am ready for him to try. If he doesn't I'm at peace being alone with my S.
My H either noticed or I saw him in a different light through this headspace. We were chatting about potential flight excursions we might take in the future. It felt good that he wasn't totally shutting me out. But I didn't care anymore if he did. I didn't feel that giant pang of rejection about it that I usually do. It feels good for him to not have that power over me. I felt the power of - I don't know if I want this person any more.
It feels good to be strong, but it's also sad. I'm finally acknowledging my own pain in the R, instead of the LBS rejection pain. Instead of wanting H to recognize my pain, I'm recognizing my own. It hurts like H*ll. I've been in pain a long time. I realize part of me wanted to be separated. I would not have admitted this ever - but I had to admit to myself that I was in so much pain I wanted him out. Now that I can hear my own feelings perhaps I can work toward being heard. If H can't hear me, I know deep down what I need. I will not suffer.
