yes Kerry, fun ice. we almost lost power tonight too!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
glad you are wanting to continue making an effort to stand up.
I will say, that a big part of his behavior since the holidays is from you. But, that is okay, because you are putting up the boundaries that you feel is necessary for you and your D. If you had continued being how you were before the holidays, perhaps he would still be acting as he was, or who knows, but the fact still remains that he is still not really working on himself and hasn't the desire to at this moment and so you need to set these boundaries, and he's going to hate it. But after time goes by, he is going to respect you more and more, but it's going to take a long time IMHO. but it will, as long as you stay consistent and are calm, and use wise healthy boundaries, and still be compassionate at a distance...if that makes sense.
I can see years from now that you will be the reason for him getting on his feet, and I really hope that happens, for you, for him, and for all of the kids involved, especially your baby.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
yes Kerry, fun ice. we almost lost power tonight too!
I love that kind of weather at times! We think a few inches of rain is major flooding...well I guess it is here! LOL
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
glad you are wanting to continue making an effort to stand up.
I will say, that a big part of his behavior since the holidays is from you. But, that is okay, because you are putting up the boundaries that you feel is necessary for you and your D. If you had continued being how you were before the holidays, perhaps he would still be acting as he was, or who knows, but the fact still remains that he is still not really working on himself and hasn't the desire to at this moment and so you need to set these boundaries, and he's going to hate it. But after time goes by, he is going to respect you more and more, but it's going to take a long time IMHO. but it will, as long as you stay consistent and are calm, and use wise healthy boundaries, and still be compassionate at a distance...if that makes sense.
I can see years from now that you will be the reason for him getting on his feet, and I really hope that happens, for you, for him, and for all of the kids involved, especially your baby.
I have changed since the holidays. Otherwise he would still be cake eating and trying to live the double life like he always has. He just pushed MGF aside for the holidays so he could make himself feel better and guarantee he wouldn't miss anything with baby..once that was over he went right back to his normal, horrible self. Reminds me of when I was within weeks of having baby and he decided to be this stand up guy (after I caught him with OW). He had changed his whole life, blah, blah! Now I look back as it being because he wanted to be assured I would allow him in the delivery room. Everything exh does is for a motive.
I don't know if exh will ever get on his feet. Why should he? He has everything he needs right now.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Oh..I was just updating my journal and realized I haven't heard a peep from exh since he was here for his visit on Wednesday. No text checking on her yesterday at all. How nice.
Today I have another dreaded dentist appointment. Why can't my outings without baby be fun?
My d20 is coming into town this weekend too for a funeral so that makes me happy!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Now I look back as it being because he wanted to be assured I would allow him in the delivery room. Everything exh does is for a motive.
I don't know if exh will ever get on his feet. Why should he? He has everything he needs right now.
remember, you can't always know the real motives, only God knows the heart. But we obviously know that exh is not doing the work to be a responsible and giving person, and that is why I totally support you changing after the holidays.
Why should he ever get on his feet? well, because his life sucks. he hates himself, and hates his life, but he uses temporary fixes that make him feel good in the moment. like alcohol, or women, or whatever. He doesn't understand how to really be happy, and what to do to get there. That's why I believe you may be the only one who can SHOW him. That doesn't mean you should be all involved in his life, I'm just saying by your example, because your going to be in his life in some sort of way as long as D is alive.
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and realized I haven't heard a peep from exh since he was here for his visit on Wednesday. No text checking on her yesterday at all. How nice.
was that a sarcastic or serious "how nice" ? if sarcastic...isn't that what you want from him?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
and realized I haven't heard a peep from exh since he was here for his visit on Wednesday. No text checking on her yesterday at all. How nice.
was that a sarcastic or serious "how nice" ? if sarcastic...isn't that what you want from him?
Yes...the quiet is definately nice. Sad because this guy is baby's father and is so **** (I don't even have a word for him), I should feel sad that he doesn't come, but he isn't being much of a dad nor has been.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
and actually I think a normal amount of contact asking how baby is, would be at the most, once a day, or at the least, maybe twice a week...but it's so hard to say because when there is a divorce, I think the other parent has a right to contact and check up, but what is a normal amount?? and then there are all the other circumstances.
when my H lived with his mom in another state and we had a baby son, until he was almost 4, he hardly EVER talked to him. he always just asked me, how's S doing?" He only saw him twice a month on the weekends. and my H is not a messed up person, but he's your typical "guy". So, I don't think your exH doesn't care about her, he just doesn't know HOW to care about her.
I'm curious, what is your "perfect" scenario, if you guys are still D, how much contact would you think is right for him to initiate? If he wasn't bringing tons of drama in your life, that is.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm curious, what is your "perfect" scenario, if you guys are still D, how much contact would you think is right for him to initiate? If he wasn't bringing tons of drama in your life, that is.
Thats a good but tough question ST. If I removed my own feelings, hurts, and emotions it would be a bit easier to compromise I think. Honestly any time he tries to cake eat in regards to his schedule of visits I get this anger feeling like the BS continues and he is still running amuck in our lives. I know that he is her father and has his rights, but he also blew this family and his daughter all to hell several times so I know she isn't a priority. So when he gets off of the norm I work like heck to keep it in line to keep some sort of control. It may or may not be good, but its the only way I can keep pushing forward.
Like today...He sent a text an hour before his time was supposed to start asking if he can come by because he had to pick up his other D13 during the visit and drive her somewhere. Well baby was sleeping so I didn't bother letting him know until it was 15 minutes before he had to pick up his D. Not on purpose, but that is when baby woke up. So he had 10 minutes with baby and left...saying he 'may' be back. I told him I needed to know within the hour or I was making other plans. He just assumed I was going to sit here for the next 3 hours waiting to see if he was going to feel like coming back or not! He sent a text saying he wasn't going to make it back and would call AFTER he went hunting in the morning! Again...his visit time is 8-10. He most likely will not get back from hunting till close to 10 at least. So instead of seeing his daughter he is choosing hunting and assumes I will just let him do that because I have no other life!
I plan on leaving at 10 whether he is here or not. That is the kind of stuff that drives me nuts.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
No kidding! Visit time ended 23 minutes ago anyway. Of course I didn't say that...actually I didn't say anything at all.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
