If by "left the program" you mean filed for D yes I am aware of that. This is no reason to give up... OR to leave your H with the idea that you are having an affair... that's NOT going to improve the situation in my opinion.
My advice is to read NJF and get him someone to talk to who KNOWS what they are doing... the OW is NOT a therapist... if she was she would lose her license and be in jail....
And all I am saying is that His actions speak louder than anything else. Adultry with another woman. Filed Divorce. He has no respect for his wife nor his children. He is a liar and a cheater. He does not respect his wedding vows or the wedding vows of the other marriage.
Do not reason with this person. He does not deserve reason. He deserves the cold hard truth to his adultious ways.
We both agree his cake-eating days need to come to an end.
Her goal here is not to bust a divorce.
Her goal here is to end the adultry.
Do not confuse the two. For they are very different. All advice should be geared towards ending the adultry.
Following the safe path is the best way to low self esteem and a divorce.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thank you everyone for all the advice. When we first separated, we did go to 2 MC sessions. In the 2nd session is where he told me he was done. I'm still going, and he knows that.
I think my best bet for now, is to continue to expose the A and to go dark. As far as making him jealous, I've already done a little of that, not on purpose. Just with me going out with friends (all girls) and GAL the last couple of weeks have him asking me where I'm at and with whom. I've seen signs, of him wondering what I'm doing.
I checked his phone records this morning. And since the night I exposed the A to him, there has been less phone contact with him and OW. I honestly belief, he is waiting to see what she will do and as everyone has said, I'm plan B. But with me knowing that, it gives me the power to NOT be plan B. If I'm not plan A, then I don't want him back.
Last edited by mb28; 01/29/1008:08 PM.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Going to FT while there is an affair going on in secret is NOT the same thing as going to FT with full disclosure..
I would not even count the original FT as even going ... if an affair is going on FT is not very effective...
How can you expect therapy to be effective if you are lying to your therapist?
An affair partner is a counter-therapy influence... if he put 4 hours a week into a FT and 40 into an affair partner, the FT is not going going to make much of a dent.
- Safe is the best chance to maintain one's sanity... panicking and acting on instincts is what the WS does...
Any counselor worth seeing will NOT see a couple while an affair is ongoing!
We found 2 LMFT's in the same office and signed forms to allow THEM to communicate about us, with the idea we would stay on the same page and not recieve conflicting advice. This has worked so far. Each counselor knows what the other partner is doing and why.
I suggest offering WS a copy of "Not Just Friends". He doesn't yet seem to be in a place to "see" himself yet tho. My WS still insists "their relationship" is different than every one else's, even tho it is textbook!
Your H is feeling ambivalent, having a hard time letting go of the A. This is normal. However the end of the A comes about, it will be awhile before his head clears. Don't worry about that. Remove yourself from the chaos til his dust settles.
If he asks to return, what boundaries and conditions are you prepared to set?
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
A counsellor is a very good idea when an affair is going on... but the counsellor must put the marriage first and affairs last.
As long as the counsellor is NOT going to support an affair in any way its a good thing.
People in affairs or considering them NEED people to talk to as well... shutting them out just gives them little alternative than to stray or to continue straying...
I don't think counsellors should EVER endorse or support an affair, I don't think they should turn people having them AWAY either.. the counsellors here certainly don't.
I disagree Allen. I do agree that the individuals should seek IC but any couples work would be unproductive. The straying partner is not usually thinking rationally, (using one or more "distorted thinking patterns") and may even attend and not participate fully or be honest (usually not even honest with themselves). Often counseling ends after a few sessions, with the straying partner claiming, "see, I tried and it failed". I believe that partner needs counseling to help them identify their distortions of reality. The betrayed needs help with the trauma. Different goals, different counselors, or at least separate sessions, while the affair is continuing.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I didn't anywhere say that the couples must attend together...
and Individual counsellors are not the same thing as a family therapist.
Separate sessions is something I think MOST good Family Therapists are going to pursue... Interspersed with a session as a couple if they have the sense it would be productive.. but separate at first certainly to hear both sides of the issues...
Where did I say the couple should not seek separate sessions?
I do think its helpful in some cases for the wayward spouse to hear and experience the pain they are putting their parnter through... a session as a couple in some cases may help move things along too...
Sometimes it helps sometimes it doens't.
My point is that NOT going to a good family therapist simply because you are busy having an affair makes little sense at all... people having affairs should be the first one's in the door...
Many people having affairs use their affair partners AS counsellors... thats part of the reason why counsellors are licensed... they ARE in a compromising position and need to maintain ethical standards...
Too many times people think they can help their friend and end up exploiting them sexually instead... these people are vunerable.. vulnerable people should be in some sort of therapy until they are well again
