The adventure chronicles

[v1olin]

Notice that she said, "what have YOU decided" I think she might be giving up some control but is also trying to get it back by pushing you on the decision. Do not back down now - tell her like it is.

[AFWAW]

... Sounds like...
... Looks like...
... Feels like...
... Tastes like...
... Stinks like...
... CONTROL

Agreed, it does smack a bit of control. Reminded me of something Gucci said the very time he posted to me about pressure. Never pressure anyone if you want them to do something--it doesn't work.

I'll say one thing for her AFWAW... she doesn't give up, does she? Just wish she'd use the tenacity for something constructive.

Yeah, she's persistant when it's something she wants. I think she just wants me to pretend that none of this happened and let her come home and everything will be ok.

[AFWAW]

Notice that she said, "what have YOU decided" I think she might be giving up some control but is also trying to get it back by pushing you on the decision. Do not back down now - tell her like it is.

I did notice and haven't had the chance to sit down and talk with her. She did call today after work and said something about calling to set up a counseling appt again tomorrow and how she's been unable to get a hold of anyone. Funny, my counselor called me back as soon as I called for an appointment and when I called to get an appointment for my daughter, her counselor called back quickly as well.

So the wife got a dog from the pound today. When I asked her why she replied because she was lonely. Ok, I thought, I suppose that's better than the alternative route she's been choosing this past year. She brought the dog over for my daughter and I to see and made a comment to me that I "need" to let her come back home so we can do xyz.

Feels like one of those days where I just don't feel like it will work. Maybe I'm just tired but I don't see her doing anything other than talking.

[Onthemountaintop]

I'm wondering -if you could give her a list, what would you want to see/feel change?

[AFWAW]

My list is similar to Gnosis's list:

- A woman that wants to be with me because who I am not because she wants to change who I am.
- A woman that can accept that she can't control everything and when she doesn't get her way she doesn't lose it.
- A woman mature enough to control her emotions for the most part--there will always be exceptions, I get that.
- A woman who supports my dreams and will give me the freedom to pursue them.
- Who does not mock my efforts or ridicule them
- Who realizes what she's got and doesn't compare me to others
- Who confides in me and values my opinion
- Who doesn't measure success with material possessions

Some stipulations if she came home would be the following:
- We would maintain seperate finances for now
- I would would have to have access to her computer, email accounts and phone records
- Any decision that involved my daughter would have to be discussed before she acts

I don't know if I can trust her ever again--I know it would be difficult. On top of that, my daughter hasn't said one positive word about her mother. I fear that it will be years before my daughter will be able to forgive her and my wife doesn't seem to understand that. All she can talk about is how much my daughter seems to hate her.

[Onthemountaintop]

Some of those seem like personality issues to me. I can relate to much of the first list, too, so I can get their importance.

How much of those changes do you think you could make happen by being more supportive, understanding her better, etc?

[oldtimer]

"- Any decision that involved my daughter would have to be discussed before she acts"

This seems unreasonable. She is still the mother. If you D, she'll be able to make decisions without your consent. At least, you need to better define the scope of this requirement.

As you have it, it is not healthy for your M or for the mother/daughter R. You would be completely disempowering your W as a mother. Not good.

[Kettricken]

You'd think anyone who was really desperate to get let back in might inquire as to your position re: new pets.

I wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot barge pole as long as she continues to act impulsively.

[GH31]

Hi AFWAW,

- A woman that wants to be with me because who I am not because she wants to change who I am.
- A woman that can accept that she can't control everything and when she doesn't get her way she doesn't lose it.
- A woman mature enough to control her emotions for the most part--there will always be exceptions, I get that.
- A woman who supports my dreams and will give me the freedom to pursue them.
- Who does not mock my efforts or ridicule them
- Who realizes what she's got and doesn't compare me to others
- Who confides in me and values my opinion
- Who doesn't measure success with material possessions

This is a great list that you've written.

The ones that I've put in bold really jump out at me though. Does she really have a habit of mocking and/or ridiculing your efforts? If she does then that's just awful. I can absolutely understand why you wouldn't want to touch her with a bargepole if she's like this and makes no effort to change.

Does she measure success purely by the number of material possessions one has? I feel sorry for her in one way as I once thought like this - it comes from a place of real psychological impoverishment.

Please, please stay firm in your boundaries. You mentioned in an earlier post that she had been intimate with 6 men during your "situation". Has this been addressed in any way?

best wishes,

GH31

[GH31]

"- Any decision that involved my daughter would have to be discussed before she acts"

And AFWAW is still his daughter's father. I think what AFWAW is getting at is that all decisions regarding their daughter are arrived at mutually rather than unilaterally by either him or his wife.

Is this so AFWAW?

Of course, if AFWAW wants absolute authority over decisions regarding his daughter and W's feelings are irrelevant then this is very bad as well. But, AFWAW used the word "discuss" in what he wrote.