A Choice

[patpat]

I want my W to be happy.

But that's out of your control, of course.

I think you have me all wrong. It has never been about control for me. I just want her to be happy and that is all. That's all I've ever wanted for my W. Did you not want that for your H. Had I said "I want to make my W happy"... that is more like something beyond my control.... Not wanting something for someone. I want you to be happy flow... and me wanting you or W to have some happiness has nothing to do with me other than wishing someone else well!

She has damaged me.

Are you feeling like a victim in this situation? I can understand that you must be in enormous pain, but seeing yourself as a victim will only make you feel worse.

I used to feel like the victim in the beginning. I no longer feel this way and have not for some time. I used to be in great pain.... but now, no pain... and I might add lovingly detached. Thank you for your concern, but I actually feel fine... I am OK! But I am damaged. I used to like who I was before, I like who I am now... and yet, I am different, yet still the same. By damaged, I simply meant that it would be hard for me to be the person that I used to be with W. That is if for some reason we were to get back together... She is pursuing and I am running currently.

I can not longer be that person for her.

And it's a mistake to be a certain kind of person for one's spouse or anyone else. Yet sometimes we wake up and realize that we've been trying to.

I do not believe I have ever tried to be anything other than who I am for the W. I believe that I have been and always acted like myself. I am by nature a very caring person. I did and do care for W. I still love her very much and want the best life has to offer for her. I hope she finds these things in her travels... I just meant that I do not believe I can be the same loving and caring person that I once was in regards to W.

What started off as wrong, followed by pain... turned into a game... forcing a harsh reality or awakening...

The "game" part of it disturbs me. It takes two to play a game. Was DBing part of how you participated in the game?

No, DB'ing is no game. I actually take this very seriously. DB'ing seems to be working for me just as it is supposed to. But DB'ing is finding those things that work and doing them. On this board, I have had many explain and tell me the importance of detachment. How, when and why we do it. Dropping the rope etc.... I had a hard time with this, so I acted it out instead of trying to figure it out. This is a game I played by myself. The game was to act... act out the role of the detached H... by becoming the WAS in my mind. I read up and practiced my script and I turn the script around on W. I woke up one morning and W was changing, confused and wanting answers... I had none to offer... I woke up and I was no longer acting... I have become the WAS. The game was to detach without detaching... I did not win

As for a line.... I do not know. I just tried to modify the detachment thingy so that I really would not have too. I did not want to... it kinda just worked out that way.

But to explain.... started off wrong was W leaving for OM...

followed by pain was patpat feeling what all here have felt... the death of the R and all the sh!t that goes with it.

turned into a game was me trying to alter boundaries, detachment and the LRT techniques in an attempt to get the benefit without actually doing it (the right way)

the harsh reality was it worked anyway... I practiced and played until the line I had drawn dissappeared. I did not know if I was coming or going, but it got W's attention. The attention drove me to play harder until I could not stand to look at her. Now, I just want to be as far from her as possible and it is no longer a game...

I appreciate your insight flow... I do. I think I may have went about this the wrong way kinda... but it is what was working for me. I did expect a different outcome though. What W has been doing is wrong and hurts. I've found a way to let it all go. I wish her the best, I do. And it may be me, but she is gonna have to work really hard to prove that and right now.... I am hard to catch.

I am not intentionally trying to hurt W, I am just running and not explaining myself. That is what I think hurts the most... all she has to do is stop pursuing and the pain will go away. Thats her choice!