"Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was." -Richard L. Evans
So let's focus on where you are. Idle time does indeed suck. It makes me miserable as well, which is why I try to keep busy. What could you do to improve yourself instead of doing nothing?
OK, if not reconciliation, then how about just moving the relationship to something more pleasant? For your daughter if nothing else. Small goals; baby steps. When my H and I were apart I wanted too much to fast. So I was very disappointed. When I set some tiny goals/hopes it was easier to see progress. So I set a goal that through DBing and NC initiated by me, he would call me just once for no reason whatsoever. It was so amazing and motivating when it did happen! So maybe you need to think in terms of baby steps right now.
Relearning how to live, or learning for the first time how to live healthy, happy, and honest would be difficult at any age. But I think the longer you've been sick/unhappy/on the wrong path the harder it would seem to move forward. But you are not crazy, and I don't think you will be. Hang in there and there are always people who are willing to walk beside you.
As for what you will be like - I have no idea. All I know is that getting my mental health under control, while probably the scariest thing I have ever done, has been the most positive change in my entire life. I feel like a whole new person...someone I can like. As for who will like you, more people than you think. You're still in a bad place, if you're thinking is so miserable. If you can work toward a bit more healthy thoughts then I think you will see the flaw in that line of thinking.
Suffering is Inevitable, Misery is Optional. While I don't share the religious fervor of the author, I cannot help but admire the sentiment.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
