Just want to say it seems you are really getting too caught up in every little detail of what your W does/doesn't do, says/doesn't say etc. It is wearing you down. YOu are going to exhaust yourself.
Take a breath. Remind yourself that you are going to be ok no matter what. You cannot control the choices your W makes about anything. Keep the focus on you. Ultimately, you are DBing for you. Be less attached to your DBing strategies having particular outcome on her behavior and do what is good for you. Yes, you want to keep seeing what works and do more of that, but don't get so wrapped up in it that you exhaust yourself.
Tonight, try to just take care of you and the girls. Relax. Do something fun. Smile. Laugh. Whistle.
Do I use this to open up the communication a little and start initiating a phone call each evening to see who is going to leave?
No, I don't think that would be a good idea.
I agree with Rocked about you paying too much attention to little details. I understand why you do, but it's not healthy for you. And frankly, I think you are being too nice and too darn polite and thanking her for every tiny detail that she does do right. And why do you have to ask her if she's leaving first, and why do you have to ask her about the bedroom or basement? I just hope you can have the attitude of not caring what the blazes she does or doesn't do!
Guess it is my own picture of seeing you there with her, but it seems you are putting on your great smile/face when maybe you should be showing a bit more "firmness" in your face. Not talking about when you are with the kids. I'm talking about when she asks if anything is wrong, or are you alright. Sounds to me like she is feeling guilty and why should you always feel like you have to smile at her? I know you are trying to keep a PMA, but at times I wonder if you are trying too hard and you simply need to pull back and take a break from her and carrying all this burden around.
Are you going to find something or somewhere to go for yourself, since she refused the hotel?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
One more thing, I want you to know that I "understand" your reasons for wanting her to come home early. I understand how you want her to be there for the kids. But, how would she react if you and the kids did not wait for her to come home for dinner? What if you did not call asking her if she was leaving on time? What if she came home to see you and the children already in the middle of your meal and having a fine time? Don't you think that she acts angry b/c you are trying to "force" her to be there? I think that is exacly what you are doing. I think you may have refered to it as being a respectful thing to do.....and I understand, but I also know how she (the WAW) is feeling. I believe everytime you call her to see if she's going to be home early, she resents it with every fiber of her being. My own H has his ways of doing things like that, too. She will begin to show her anger in other ways if this continues.
She's a big girl and she knows what her responsibilites are to her family. You need to act as if you realize that she knows, and go on with whatever you & the kids are doing. She will either join in and do what she should, or she will suffer the loss. Either way, you don't need to try to make her do the right thing. This thing with her and the kids has been your "button" since the beginning and you come across to her in an unattractive manner......I think. I just believe this thing about her leaving the job on time to get home early is not working with you trying to control what she does.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi/Rocked Great reality check as usual. I have slipped back to worrying too much about insignificant details. I do good for a while then slip back. I needed that. Now I do want to clarify a couple of things: 1) I am not calling her about her coming home and I'm not even mentioning it to her. I NEVER do that...she is texting me to say she is coming home, she is calling me to say I'm going to leave at this time, etc. Just about every day she tells me that she is going to make sure she comes home early.
2) Reguarly, probably 4 out of 5 days a week, she comes home to me and the girls being done with dinner and having a grand time. It makes her angry, she says it makes it feel like I'm having a competition with her over the kids.
3) Now I am guilty of reacting and maybe appearing controlling when she reguarly breaks the promise of coming home. That I can work on and need to work on and you are right I might be trying to make or force her to do the right thing. Guilty as charged there, thanks for the observation and I'm sure it is unattractive.
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And why do you have to ask her if she's leaving first, and why do you have to ask her about the bedroom or basement? I just hope you can have the attitude of not caring what the blazes she does or doesn't do!
I probably was typeing too fast...she asked me if I was leaving first (someone has to stay until the nanny shows up) and she asked me last night if I would rather she work in the bedroom or the basement and I told her I didn't care one way or the other. That wasn't the answer she wanted, she wanted me to tell her my preference for some reason, but I didn't really have one so I just let it fade away.
Interesting comment on smiling too much. Guess I have read too much about that approach. So whats a better response when she asks if I'm alright?
I very well may be trying too hard...
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I have been wondering that same thing about your sitch. I think you "acting as if" serves a purpose, but if it seems too forced or phoney it won't work. It is ok to sometimes say you are tired or finding the situation hard to deal with. Just as long as it is not coming across in a "reprimanding" way. Just firm and matter of fact.
I also agree with Sandi that it may be time to be less accomodating. I know I started doing things like that in my sitch... just going on with life with the kids almost as if he didn't exist. He would find out we did fun things without him or he would come home to an empty house because the kids and I were out for ice cream without him. When he would be disappointed I would calmly and matter-of-factly say "It is hard to know when you will be home these days so we are just doing our own thing. You are always welcome to join us if you are around." Those things did have an impact...
Well a better night thus far from a personal perspective, as far as the W, who knows...seems pretty typical of late and haven't paid a whole lot of attention. As usual, when it was time for someone to go home, I texted W to say I was leaving. She immediately replied back (unusual) that she was right behind me. Counseled myself not to care, think about it, react to it, or even plan around it. Got home, got back into my routine. Was relaxed, at peace. About one hour and half after "right behind you" get a text that W was driving home. Dinner was already on the table, we were eating. W is visibly upset when she gets home at seeing how late it is and the girls about done...this is typical, and I make sure to completely ignore it. Some friendly chit chat for a while and then W says someone needs to go out and get cold medicine for D8. I jump on that one...chance for me to get away, get a night off from the bed/bath routine. We discuss what else we need at the store and the W asks me if I am alright; was surprised cause I thought I was acting completely normal and I wasn't upset about a thing. So I just told the truth - said I have shoulder/neck pain which is causing a headache, that is all. Felt good not to fake everything is grand. She said I should go to doc for muscle relaxers like she got - just nicely told her it isn't that bad, I'll be fine tomorrow or next day.
W claims she needs to work tonight. I'm not waiting for her to decide what/where she is going to do this. Grabbed my computer, a drink, and plopped down on the couch. Concentrating on relaxing tonight. It was SO NICE to get one night off from putting the kids to bed, I made sure to get back in-time to tuck them in, but not to have to deal with the night time routine for the first time in literally months was heavenly. And W seemed to be in good spirits after getting some time with them.
Last edited by gutwrenching; 01/29/1006:44 AM.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Good job GW! You've made some progress with detaching. I know that is hard to do, but I found (and am still finding) it's baby steps when it comes to this.
For a change, nothing much to report or ask about. W came to bed later than she said she was, but I ignored it. I didn't let her know when I was going up to bed, and I had fallen asleep watching TV when she did come in. I didn't ask a single question about what she was doing or why or what.
I slept like a rock last night which felt great, we did our P90X workout this morning, W was in a very good mood after the workout, no clue why. She started talking to me with just mundane/idle chit chat while I was in the shower this morning instead of the normal overt/concentrated effort to ignore me and get out of the bathroom as fast as possible (its the whole nakedness thing, she avoids those situations at all costs and I am just "as if" and not an act because for 15 years now we've seen it all, so it just isn't a big deal to me one way or the other).
Just figured I should enjoy the peace while it lasts and was friendly and engaging while showering, cause I got a feeling a wave of emotions about to hit this weekend...she has basically been doing two jobs intead of one for months now and that ends today...and she has to "give up" the one she has grown to really like...and I think it is going to be hard on her once reality sets in.
Nothing significant to report from today. Anxiety is extremely low for a Friday. I am not nervous nor dreading the weekend and going in with zero expectations or thoughts on what it might be like. That almost feels weird. Could I possibly have a routine/uneventful/relaxing weekend? My only thought is this is the weekend I think I'm going to push for church on Sunday.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
GW dont ask for the cake as well, just go for a nice relaxing weekend with your family, church as well is pushing your luck mate. If saturday goes well and is pleasant if anything go for a walk/picnic/bike ride if you can as a family. A she will enjoy the distraction from her sorrow at losing that part of her job she enjoys and B also it will engage her with the family, note I say family not YOU! you just carry on as normal. How is your neck and shoulders by the way perhaps a trip to the chiro wouldnt be a bad idea, mine is fab but I think the UK is a tad to far to recommend a visit lol!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
You've made some progress with detaching. I know that is hard to do, but I found (and am still finding) it's baby steps when it comes to this.