Scared and need advice

[LookingFrAnswers]

((((Aver))))
So he's really pushing now. I know what that feels like. Well you have no choice but to go legal, and you're doing all the right things, & all you can do right now. You have it in writing, for the L to review. He/she will advise you. Seems to me he made an offer but he can't force you to accept it. You are half owner so I'm not sure he has more of a right to it than you. Once you have your L consultations you'll have the knowledge to know all your options. You'll feel much more empowered then. If it goes to litigation, it will be a while and not some date he sticks on a letter. He may not realize this. Do you know if he's talking to an L? Woe to him if not. He may think he's calling the shots but he may not have a leg to stand on. Not much comfort I know. This situation totally sucks & I am so sorry you have to go through this.

But don't panic. Deep breaths. We don't know yet if he can actually force you out. Try really hard to focus on other positives right now while you're waiting for the Ls to get back to you. Go online & do some research if this will help you feel more empowered. But don't do anything or reply to him til you consult your L. Try really hard not to project & focus on the outcome right now. You just don't know yet.

[avermont]

thanks, thanks, thanks.

I have consulted L. Fortunately have a cousin who is D L, so he is reviewing X's document.

I don't know if he has consulted a L. His document sounds very legalese, but that's easy enough to pick up on one's own.

Interesting point: his last point is that this is "all dependent on X getting approved for re-fi, loan, etc.,", but "I assume this won't be a problem."

Well, I have ALREADY spoken to the bank and I am pre-approved to re-fi in my own name. So I have that in my back pocket already.

Yes, he is pushing for a date simply because he has a 9 month lease. Too bad for him. The friends who sponsored the affair--you may have read how they permitted and supported the two of them to carry on under their roof--own short-term rental furnished apartments. Really quite nice. If I were actually to say or email anything to him every again, I would suggest he go move there--they are a happy foursome, after all!

No, he can't force me out. It just goes to court, which takes time and money. He has a bit more $. The court will award it to one of us, or to a third party. That's really the only option.

The incredible pain is that the sitch devolved so quickly. From A-Z without a step in between.

You had the same experience, too.

And to top it off--here on the porch is a big box of his diabetic supplies. The last box of diabetic supplies was small enough to drop in the UPS box, which I did with "not at this address, and forward to work address." Guess he didn't get the clue last time. This box is too big to put in the UPS slot.

a) be nice, let him know it is here, and when he can pick it up
b) go to the trouble of finding a UPS drop off point and dropping it off with "not at this address"
c) throw it away and hope he dies for lack of supplies?

And--I just unclogged that drain. Wasn't too disgusting!

I have got to get my head focused. I have work and community projects that I don't want to let down just because X is being a total jerk.

Really, really, really...nothing will happen for some months except some unpleasant emails and talks with lawyers. Breathe breathe breathe.

Please keep chiming in. You guys are my life line right now.

[avermont]

Thanks, mo3.

I know, winning/losing is in my head and my perspective.

I will need time to see that and change it to a good perspective.

I know many many people on these boards have packed their possessions off in little cardboard boxes and started anew. And they didn't die. And didn't die of shame.

I am just on the lowest point of the roller coaster right now. I have to believe there is an up.

And with all your help I will find that up.

[motherof3]

a) be nice, let him know it is here, and when he can pick it up
b) go to the trouble of finding a UPS drop off point and dropping it off with "not at this address"
c) throw it away and hope he dies for lack of supplies?

How about somewhere in between? Keep the supplies in case he asks about them, but do nothing further.

Hang in there.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Guess he didn't get the clue last time. This box is too big to put in the UPS slot.

a) be nice, let him know it is here, and when he can pick it up
b) go to the trouble of finding a UPS drop off point and dropping it off with "not at this address"
c) throw it away and hope he dies for lack of supplies?

I like choice c! But really, M03 may be right, I mean isnt' he going to be expecting them? You could wait for him to contact you about them. Wait on it a few days. If he needs them desparately he'll ask. Won't he just come & get it while you're at work? How annoying!

[kara]

((( LFA )))

How are things going for you? Any progress on the S agreement ro where you want to live? What about the cc? Has your H got his own yet?

I hope you are planning to get some spa in soon!!! Sounds like you could use a little stress relief.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Thanks Kara for the hugs! Not really progress, I'm sort of the hold up because of all the changes S agrmt. needs have overwhelmed me. I saw IC yesterday & talked to her about it. Her advice was to do it one item at a time. Seems so obvious but I swear we can't see our own situations clearly, but can see other's clearly! I think that why this board works so well.

He does have his own credit card, I can see it online as he's still using the bank we had our joint accts. to open his new ones.

So, on my to do list today, email L about 1 item on the S agrmt. to correct. And ask her if she or I should contact H to tell him, again, to shut down that cr. card.

Hope you are doing great Kara! I'll try to stop over to your thread. Thanks so much for checking on me. ((((Kara))))

[kara]

(((LFA)))


One item at a time is good advice. Sometimes it is simply too overwhelming to deal with it all at once. Life, right?

I hope you get the CC sorted out and that you have everything properly documented. Were you able to accomplish the items on your to do list?

I hope you have a great weekend. What do you have planned? I will check in later.

I plan to go window shopping as opposed to actual shopping. We'll see how that goes!! I got a great pair of pants at $100 discount yesterday. Talk about lucky!!! Just last week I was admiring them and lo and behold they were on sale yesterday. This retail therapy has to stop, though!!! I may need a support group. I guess it is part of getting back my mojo and a lot of that is reinforced by looking and feeling good. So, to be fair I am not being shallow because I continue to do the inside work as well.

Let me know how it is going for you , LFA.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Kara,
How true. Some days I handle it better than others. But I did force myself to email my L before I left work yesterday. I told her more to come! I don't want feel stuck because I'm overwhelmed by all there is to do! I'll have her review my split on the cc, I guess she can revise it in the S agrmt. H isn't going to like that! Oh well.

Making plans on the weekend is something I need to work on! My sister is moving into a new house this weekend, though so I've promised her I'll help as long as she needs. I did a little retail therapy a few weeks & bought some jeans without trying them on, now I have to return them. I really want to get some tall black boots so maybe I'll look around for that. Wow $100 off that's awesome! I bet they look great.

Hey how was kareoke? I read your last post. Special K, great name! Enjoy your window shopping, and have a great weekend. It's very cold here, like 15 degrees but it's sunny & pretty. I plan to enjoy the day too. ((((Kara)))))

[avermont]

Hey LFA-

I want to keep talking with you through this, as it seems we have the most similar sitches.

Update: Spoke with my cousin L. Left messages with other Ls to make appt's.
Realized: it will go to court. The judge will decide one way or the other.
Question to sort out: What do I want to do with my life, time,future?
I'm only fighting for the house to
a) keep him from moving her in
b) give me some stability while I sort out what I want to do
c) the principle of it!

But you, LFA, decided you didn't want the house? How does that feel, "handing it over" to him? I don't remember that there was an OW involved in your sitch. Do you have strong ties to the neighborhood, town, community that would be hard to give up?

I was feeling reassured for awhile from my friends and L that this will all take time, there's nothing he can do until it goes to court, there isn't any way for him to "force" me out.

EXCEPT! (cue ominous music) The tenant in the little separate house at the back is on a month to month lease. That's not our usual way of leasing, but that is how it worked out. Anyhow, I GREATLY FEAR, indeed KNOW, that
X will be angry, cruel, etc, enough to MOVE into that apartment if the tenant moves out around the time X's May lease is up.

You might think: who would be that awful? Bwahahahha! We have all read horrible horrible sitches here.

And this is the guy who ONE WEEK after informing me he was done with the R, was prepared to shove me into the other half of the duplex and have OW over--don't think they were thinking of living together at the time, but she would be here enough.

And I swear to all of you here, X was always known as the nicest, sweetest guy ever. How love/lust changes us!

So--I spent the night tossing and turning. Today sweating and shaking. So--
I need to go hard core legal and file a court date. I think that will be the only way to keep him from moving into the little house.

Trying to remember: is there anything I can do about the situation? Yes, I can see a lawyer this week and get good advice and start the action.
So there's no need to worry!
Is there anything I can do about the situation?
No, not until Monday, so there's no need to worry!

I hate hate hate that I have to go out swinging so hard and get so nasty so fast. NOT because I am "afraid" to drive him away. If I rolled over and said, "here, honey, here's the house, no worries", he wouldn't fall back in love with me instantly. Not that I want, expect, or even imagine that anymore.
.
I hate that I am operating out of fear of "what will he do." But from what he modeled this fall, I have to believe he would be cruel enough to move into the property

But I hate to be brought to this point. I believe in facilitation, compromise, people having open confrontations about what is bothering them--and instead this will all be done through lawyers.

So much for 23 years of love and trust and life.

I will appreciate all support and advice on this.

I don't want to have my heart/soul tarnished with vengeance, anger, spite. I want to do everything with integrity and honor. And I am afraid that proceeding with the house directly into court is all of the nasty stuff. How can I protect my need to stay in the house, for my stability and time to plan my life otherwise?

Thank you!