Is it me? Or is it really everyone else? lol.

[CityGirl]

You asked your W if she knew how to sew buttons? For real?

In turn she told you she would teach A KID how to so THE KID could teach you?

There are thousands of online tutorials that can teach you very basic sewing skills. Most dry cleaners have a tailor on site. Yet you turn to your W to help you with a basic life skill.

Why didn't YOU LEARN how to sew a button and in turn teach your daughter how to?

These are the things you should be working on. Basic life skills and basic problem solving skills.

[Startingover2]

As a single mom that has been married most of the last 23 years I didn't know how to do many 'man' things. I have now learned how to mow the lawn, unplug a drain, keep the yard in decent shape etc. I didn't want to call my exh for anything even though he offered...Oh, and I plan on caulking that window this weekend! I did call my first exh last weekend when it was flooding though as that is sort of his specialty anyway.

I get it. Asking your W is sort of a connection to her in a small way. It is most likely one of the things she used to do as a real W. But she doesn't want to be a W anymore.

So if I can learn to do 'man' things you can learn to do 'woman' things! LOL

[iwantittowork]

that would be me trying to control her. I am not trying to control her in any way at all.

For about the dozenth time now, this is your biggest issue. I realize now that you don't understand the word 'control' in this situation, and why you fail to make any progress.

Your thought process and actions are all about things 'external' to you, and that is directly tied to 'control'

Everything you do, has an outside plan to gauge reaction from someone or something that you do, and not about you and yourself. That is something that you don't even see, but it is manipulation and control. Period.

This is one of about 100 or so examples in the past few months:

When you ask your stbxw if she can show you how to sew a button, it is not about sewing the button, it is about gaining time around your W, watching how she reacts to your question, gauging her response and then planning your next 'tactic' to continue.

All these things you claim are to 'keep a connection' with your stbxw are the same. Manipulative and controlling. You are attempting to sway the outcome of a situation to something you want.

You likely don't even realize this, so can't admit it as controlling and manipulative, and you will deny this is the case, and will refuse to look at this at the deeper level that I am talking about, and not just at the surface level.

This, again, is why you don't make any progress, and by progress, I mean progress on maturing into yourself.

You simply must look inside yourself at these issues to move forward, no one else but you can do this.

[25yearsmlc]

This is *exactly* why you need to detach.

You spent so much time focusing on the fact that your W made this big "to do" about telling you about her stable/modest new job and salary and you went on and on about how she is finally becoming grounded and responsible all for what? Nothing. In the end she did what she wanted to anyhow and once again your expectations went through the roof.

You just made a huge post about how she lacked responsibility and money management when she was earning a higher salary. Yet, you enabled that further when you offered to help her out financially. Again, if her behavior was so unpleasant and damaging WHY did you offer to help her continue it? Want to know why? Because she *finally* needed you for something and in your eyes the *something* was a good thing. She wants to party and blow all her money, well, that is fine. You bitch about it here but when you have the opportunity to show her some consequences to her actions you cave with the hopes she will see how great you are. At the end of the day she did what she wanted to and you were an afterthought.

It is really easy to say money changes people. And sure, sometimes it does but 90K is hardly life altering when you are raising two children in a large metro area. Perhaps you don't want to see the bigger issue but maybe she changed because she was unhappy and wanted a new life and her higher salary gave her a bit of freedom to pursue that life.

This is exactly why I think looking at small positives in your situation is nothing more than false hope. You must start looking at the bigger picture and patterns of behavior then weigh them against the small positives.

I feel, in your eyes, you thought a lower salary for your W would give you some control over the situation that is your marriage. With less money she would be able to do less (partying and being independent) and somehow she would become who YOU want her to be as she could no longer afford to be who she was during your separation.

And that my friend is the big reason you must detach and stop trying to control the situation. As you have learned, at the end of the day your W will do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants and there is not a thing you can do about it.

Don't voice your disdain for her behavior here then turn around and offer to help her continue what you deem as bad or inappropriate behavior though.

well said....SO well said.
j-

[CityGirl]

What a terrific post (for all of us to remember!).

Kevin - *really* think about that post above and all the recent exchanges you had with your W. ALL of them had a "reason" that backed up your stance when in fact they were ways to spend time with your W.

You accepted an invitation to spend time with your W's family in the hopes that making amends with them would lead you towards reconciling with your W. Again, you are banking on an outside force (your W's family) to assist in bringing your W back.

You were on the moon when you thought your W was taking a lower paying job. A lower paying job would force her to abandon her "free" lifestyle. You banked on an outside force (the lower paying job) to assist in bringing your W back.

You put so much stock in the time you spent with your BIL a while back and him talking some sense in your W about the marriage. You banked on an outside force (your BIL) to assist in bringing your W back.

As you can see a family, a BIL and a job did nothing to bring your W back. This is the most basic way I can think of to exhibit to you the *only* slight possibility you have to bring your W back is to change you. There is not any outside force/factor that will change her mind. Not even a death (your mom) swayed her for more than a few months. If LIFE, DEATH and FAMILY, the THREE MOST POWERFUL sources known to man cannot bring her back then nothing will except you changing you.

You cannot change you and remain attached. It is so very simple. You must detach, remove the hope that outside forces will sway your W and get to work.

Leaving her alone, being her safety net, not setting boundaries and the host of other tactics you stick to in addition to the reliance on outside factors has done nothing and will continue to do nothing.

[25yearsmlc]

great post CG but my prediction is that the response will be about God doing it for K4 or the institution of m itself and a scriptural reference. Nothing about him working on him... And I am not disrespecting God, but I am also aware of free will. Kev, you don't say a lot about that, come to think of it. IMO, any time something terrible happens, God wants us to look inside ourselves & lean on Him. But in cases like these, where we played a part, imho, I think he wants US to work on changing ourselves. Even in cases of cancer or accidents in which we did NOT play a part, I think He wants us to rise to the occasion, and not sit on our hands hoping he fixes it for us.

I think we are to do our truly hardest work ever and become our personal best, and leave the results up to Him, asking only for the guidance to know HIs will and the strength to handle whatever comes, since God won't "make" a WAS return. We have to trust that no matter what comes our way in life, God will be there for us. For me that is faith, with detachment. Not "either or".

j-

[ppenton]

25 AMEN!!

[K4D]

great post CG but my prediction is that the response will be about God doing it for K4 or the institution of m itself and a scriptural reference. Nothing about him working on him...

No. Nothing to say. Just need a job. The phone isn't ringing. Still searching.

Kevin

[smith18]

Future button problems are solved...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrSs_DiJ-ZA

I wish putting on a new roof was as simple.

[CityGirl]

How did the informational meeting go with the HR dept. at the company you are contracting at go? Since today is your last day and your last opportunity to have access to such a resource you must have remembered to do that.