I'm so sorry... As a woman, I can say that facing not being able to have a child, worse yet losing all your female reproductive parts, is something that just consumes you at a basic level. It is not rational. Instictively you feel like you are not a woman, you cannot do what a woman should and you feel like your personhood is being taken away from you against your will. She is probably running from M and life to escape the pain. She may feel like a complete failure and she has to go through these feelings herself. You can love her and accept her and over time this may help. But you can't make her accept herself right now. She will have to go through the pain - you cannot save her IMHO.
She may need to withdraw, she may need to talk. She may be all over the map. I would just try to let he go through whatever she needs to go through. You can try to get her help, but you can't force her to get help. If you are patient, she will ask for help when she's ready.
She's probably drowning in unbearable pain right now. I know it is hard to watch when you love someone. Some of us have been talking on the threads lately about not saving our spouses from their feelings. We really can't stop them from freaking out, getting depressed, etc.
Now of course if she's suicidal you can sort of force help on her by admitting her to the hospital. But anything short of this I would advise to just keep doing what you are doing - tell her you love and accept her just as she is, even if she can't accept herself right now.
Perhaps you can talk to a IC yourself to get guidance on how you can best be there for her in all her fragility right now.
I have lurked and followed your sitch for a while. And I just got caught up. I am really sorry for these developments. And I heard the same things from my W - the wanting to be alone, the I (me) deserve more than she can give, etc.
So, I understand what you are going through and feel - I'm sure we all do.
And I echo the comments that YOU cannot fix HER. Only she can. And unless and until she wants to help herself, she is not going to change. That hurts, but it is the cold, hard reality.
As Coach has told me, focus on what YOU can control. Fix yourself and process these developments. Only then can you be there for her.
I have an IC appointment for Thursday, the best she could do for me. (Well, she could have seen me on Wednesday, but I'm holding out some hope that my wife will still want to do MC with me that day.)
I know the limitations of what I can do; unless I believe she is in danger of harming herself, all I can do is encourage her to go. Which I did, many times last night.
I am not scared of losing her anymore; in some ways, I've accepted that as the likely outcome. She may have to be by herself, really think about what she wants, and work on herself before we have any chance of putting this back together. If that's what we even want at this point.
Right now, I'm mourning the loss of her "womanhood". Having a kid with her was my dream, too. And I accept my share of the decisions to put it off, but honestly -- who would ever expect this in her early 30's? And by my guess, this has been a problem for a couple of years; the one miscarriage we had a couple of years ago could have been a result of this.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I think you are probably right about your W being on her on for a while. She does not realize now how hard and lonely that could be. I believe that she could come to an awakening as to what she could lose in you.
My W also had lady health problems when she became a WAW. There was a time that I too thought she was possibly suicidal.
I dont want to raise your hopes much, but my wife and I had 3 miscarriages before we finally had our first born. And my brothers wife had a similar operation as your W at 40 and the doctors told her that it was impossible for her to have a child. But she did have a miracle happen and they have a 9 year old boy the same age as mine.
I dont want to raise your hopes much, but my wife and I had 3 miscarriages before we finally had our first born. And my brothers wife had a similar operation as your W at 40 and the doctors told her that it was impossible for her to have a child. But she did have a miracle happen and they have a 9 year old boy the same age as mine.
I don't think that's the case with my wife, though. She was told that she has few options for dealing with this:
1) Birth control pills to help regulate her periods 2) Hormone therapy to induce an early menopause 3) The most radical, a hysterectomy
She has horrible periods because of this; cramps that literally keep her up at night (she started last night, too) and very heavy bleeding. She's joked many times that if she can't get the use out of her uterus that she's supposed to, she might as well be done with it. Well, now she has her chance.
I would urge her not to give up hope, but that rings kinda hollow right now, given our situation.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Ironically, my W had a hysterectomy on the very day our D was official.
You just have to be your W's rock for now, regardless of how off the wall she seems at times. The cramps and hormones and disappointment have got to be creating emotional agony for her.
First, so sorry to hear all of this. What I really wanted to post about was a fourth option for treatment that has really worked for me and several of my friends dealing with a whole host of female issues.
What about acupuncture, and, if you can find someone in your area, an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility and female issues? I was a true skeptic; when my H got acupuncture 6 years ago, I made fun of him and told him he was seeing a witch doctor! So when I decided to begin receiving treatment, I went in curious but doubtful.
I can't tell you what acupuncture has done for me and for my friends, including someone with pretty intense endometriosis and another friend who has been literally hemorrhaging during her periods because of whacked out pre-menopausal hormones. The BEST thing for me has been how acupuncture has not only regulated my hormones (my BBT charts are textbook perfect, all hormones at correct levels, etc.), but it has also done the following for me:
*NO or minimal cramping during periods (we're talking no more than a 2, when before I was at 7 or 8 for pain)
*Absence of anxiety, including social anxiety that was a real problem for me
*Absence of depression which tends to recur during times of stress, but has not been a problem
*I haven't been sick AT ALL this school year; as a teacher, I usually have been sick 2-3 times by now...and this has been a really bad sick season for the kids
*Loss of fatigue
*Sleeping through the night and feeling rested in the morning
*No more cystic acne
*A mole I had on my face disappeared
*No sinus issues--I used to have a sinus headache from September to March every year
*All digestive issues gone and regulated
There are more, but you get the point. My acupuncturist is using a combination of herbs, acupuncture, and diet to approach my issues. I've eliminated cow dairy, coffee (both of which contribute to clogging and adhesions) soda and peanuts; reduced my sugar intake; added a multivitamin and tons more veggies.
Acupuncture and TCM (Chinese medicine) is actually pretty successful treating endo, and at the very least, it would probably help manage all the symptoms and she'd feel better.
MAKE SURE your acupuncturist is a LaC and not just an MD who took their 100-hour course. Someone trained with the Chinese approach (not necessarily a Chinese person is essential. If you *can*, find someone certified by ABORM, which is the Oriental Medicine board that certifies a specialty in reproductive medicine (including a thorough background in Western treatments). Here's a link to their site and practitioners:
If not, acupuncture is pretty effective anyway, and as the whole system is treated (there is no "endo" point), the benefits are still great. You can always supplement with the information in this book:
The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies http://snipurl.com/u89k5
I actually didn't purchase the book after looking through it because my acupuncturist is doing most of what's in it. However, it's a well known book, and the author actually has a clinic and workshops that support the information in the book:
I don't know where in Oregon you are, but a quick search shows tons of acupuncture places.
Finally, there are tons of other paths to having children if it comes to that. There are lots of people out there willing to be surrogates, there's adoption...there's really no boundaries except the ones you place in front of you.
It's tough news for your W. Right now, just be her rock. She's probably thinking to a large degree about disappointing you...in her mind, setting you free to get some other woman pregnant is the noble and "right" thing to do. Crazy thoughts go through women's heads...and so you just have to love her and stand by her and remember that there's a whole world of options out there if you really want to be parents.
(((Trent)))
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
One more thing: there's a consistent correlation between anxiety/depression and female reproductive issues...meaning persistent or recurring depression and/or anxiety existed BEFORE any hint of trouble with the reproductive organs is found.
And I know what options her Western doctors have given her, but they don't know everything. Here is a particularly good article:
You might also want to do a search for Castor Oil Packs. They're used to remove/release adhesions, and they're very effective.
I hope you don't mind me posting all of this...you may not be in the emotional space right now, but once the dust clears, you might find it useful.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Trent, Good on the IC. Let the MC on Wednesday go.
Listen, this is a girl thing, and the other girls get it. You are both grieving, and she is going to grieve differently.
She can't have your baby without a uterus.
What do you (Trent) need today? To take care of her? Maybe. This is a really tough one, others have been where you are, and there is support for your W. Does she have a sister?
There is a long and tangled story behind all of this.
My wife has wanted to be a mom for as long as she can remember. When we were dating, she was very clear about what she was looking for -- a husband and a family.
We've tried to have kids. We've looked into adoption, but life kept throwing us curveballs. I've changed jobs several times.
Now that we're in crisis, she finds this out. It's almost too much for her.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
is essential. If you *can*, find someone certified by ABORM, which is the Oriental Medicine board that certifies a specialty in reproductive medicine (including a thorough background in Western treatments). Here's a link to their site and practitioners: