No man can stand the thought of his woman with another man.
It will eat away at him.
And if she wants to make it look extremely real. She books some horseback riding on saturday. Rides and talks to the horse about the relationship. Hell bring a good girlfriend along.
Then everything she said to him is the truth. Every single damn word.
And keep the receipts.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
mb28 go out to a bookstore and buy NOT JUST FRIENDS... there is TONS of advice that's relevant to you right now... most of what we are telling you is in that book... its an easy read and FULL of GREAT info.
When my W was having her affair I bought half a dozen books on infidelity.. I left them lying around the house. It wasn't deliberately to annoy her but I was pleasantly surprised it stressed her out like crazy... I left them right out in the open and kept my bookmarks in them... it made her feel terrible.
You may find that effective.. buy NJF and a half dozen Infidelity books from amazon or something and put them out... read them too... Your H may even pick one up...
If he shows interest...show him pp 380-81 of Not Just Friends
Well I'm 31 my H is 30. Been together since HS, 13 years, married for 7. We have a 2.5 year old son. My H after we had our son had an affair with my EXbest friend of a decade. Checked the cell phone bills, found a letter he wrote her, confronted her and him both. Both denied. He began drinking heavily. We separated February two years ago. He drank drank drank became severly depressed. The affair ended two years ago March. He did outpatient treatment for 6 weeks to apease me and his parents. Things worsened after....the first round of treatment...he bounced around bars telling his sob story finding empathy in women....and eventually Jan 3 of last year was the last night he drank. His dad and i pulled him out of a bar and I said I'm walking. I'm done can't do this anymore. He did inpatient treatment for 60 days about an hour south of where we live. He moved back home...things were going well...and then he got laid off in November. He said I'm not happy, think we should just be done, etc. My son and I moved out back to my parents, where we currently are. He is manic depressed and has started drinking again...small amounts ...now but probably only a matter of time. There are days where I think we're going to be better off but there is much history with him and we have our son. Thing is there was NONE of this prior to the affair. NONE. Not even a glimpse. I was his world for years and years so this new person....he has become in the last 2.5 years is foreign but the norm sadly now. He pulls the pity like nobody's business...hate my life, don't see it getting better anytime soon, I have no friends, no life, life is falling apart, wonder if today will be the day I take all the pills, etc. etc. He is due to see a psychiatrist in a week and doesn't seem to be following through with IC.
I'm stuck...unsure of a future with him as he is...but can things ever go back to the same or even somewhat? He needs a lot of help. My self esteem took a severe blow in the last two years...at first I was desparate to hang on to make it work I was unhealthy, codependent, ill as well. Thought no one's going to want to be with me....I'm baggage, I must not be attractive enough, etc. etc. You can imagine. But I've been doing lots of counseling, books, journaling, church, groups, support, etc. Different person now. It's weird because most of the time I am pretty happy given the circumstances and really he only seems to drag me down or hurt me. But it's hard to let go entirely....I don't know anything else....at all! He's all I've ever known. I'm scared ....not sure of what to do...at this point I'm moving forward with my life..finishing school, I'm first on the waiting list for the townhome I want, raise my son, and if he comes around great if not well I'm that much more prepared for life without him. Just want to be happy and I do want companionship I truly do miss that, miss holding hands, kissing, someone to sleep next to ....all those things.
I think he's showing some conscience here to a degree... in that case i would work on that to bring it up into the foreground rather than trying to make him jealous...
Going out and NOT telling him where you go is ok, but i would be very careful...
If her H thinks she's been with another man he may just GIVE UP and walk OUT... be VERY CAREFUL with that...
That's a VERY DANGEROUS game...
You are right men can't stand their woman being unfaithful... and if he thinks mb28 is at all unfaithful he may just WALK AWAY... that's NOT the desired outcome here...
if he's still in la-la land protest and cut him out of your life - zero access
if he's apologetic.. get him into FT and let someone ELSE do the work of educating him
Right NOW I think FT would be a good idea if you can afford it... he may SEE you going and volunteer to go...
By the sounds of it he is feeling guilty and embarassed, but he's still got this idea that his behaviour was justifiable.. from my reading of these posts anyways.
He's TRYING to talk to her, that's a sign of guilt. If he's guilty he has doubts about what he's doing... where there's doubt, there's hope
I would find a good FT in your area and start going... give him the business card and tell him he's welcome to use it
But you NEED to CUT OFF ALL ACCESS to you right now.. right now he NEEDS your attention and wants to hear how you feel ... CUT HIM OFF until he is in FT and has made a No contact agreement.
He needs education right now, and its too much work for you to do all of that... get him into FT if you can.
Just go yoruself and he will likely go as well... separate appointments... go to the same FT...
Make sure they are experienced with infidelity cases and have read Glass and Davis... If they haven't dont waste your time on them
All I am saying is that if he says he needs someone to talk to then get him someone who knows what they are doing... he has this ridiculous idea in his head that talking to HER is STILL going to somehow IMPROVE things... clearly a false claim
