blah! I hear plan B coming. Suddenly she ends it and he suddenly wishes to return with no consequences. Hold strong- if this occurs he needs to still live apart from you and get his shi*t together. He can not treat you this way and then waltz right back in. He has to learn consequences.
IMHO
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
june72, Yes, I agree. I think he is waiting to see what will happen with her before he makes anymore decisions about us. Don’t worry, I will not let him just walk back, he will have a lot of work to do on his part, as will I.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
My H and exbest friend said the same thing "talked with each other about problems" which fine if you need to talk to someone, we all do, but do it with same sex. It gets too dangerous when it's the opposite sex. I think you're doing a great job mb keeping your composure, staying strong, great job!
As she should be! I think she needs to deal with her H, her marriage, and family rather than living in a fantasy land. What I've learned is...it's imporant to understand what they were seeking that they got from the other person. Learn from that within our marriages. Easier said than done to talk about but .....
nikblondiew, Thank you for your reply. I am having a hard time figuring out what he is getting from OW that he wasn't from me. I think, mostly for my H, it was someone to talk too. The last year I've been in school full-time, plus working full-time. And I haven't been very pleasant to be around during this time with the stress. I think I was taking it out on him. So whenever he was trying to talk to me about what was happening with him, I would ignore him, and think to myself, I don't have time for this. Now I'm not sure if I could convince him that I understand that now and how I understand that I was treating him poorly.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
IMO, Maybe I am wrong- but for a guy, simply sex with another gal- new and interesting can be enough at times.
Esp if the girl and very young and pretty.
Last edited by june72; 01/29/1004:53 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
MB.... I know what you mean...by no means am I making excuses for my H but I was so busy with our new baby, and I had postpartum bad I was not there for him in every sense feasible but still no excuse. At one point during the last 2.5 years of this crap, I did sit him down and tell him where I think I failed within our marriage to take responsibility and ownership for those things. I would do that again (but hopefully never have to) point is I don't regret that decision.
Instead of being busy and tiptoing around the next time he comes over.
Make it no next time.
You want to get through to him. He is a Male. He is wired like a Male.
You tell him that you need the kids taken care of on the weekend of Feb 12th. It would be best for Friday night and Saturday and Saturday night. You will get the kids on the weekend.
He asks what your doing. You say. I am going away for 2 days with a friend to dicuss my marriage , i have a few things I need to get off my chest. Enjoy your weekend with the kids.
You pack your over night bags. And go away for 2 days.
And then when you get back. You pick up the kids. Act like your hung over and tired from being up all night. But have a little glow on you.
When he asks how your weekend went.
You say. I had a good weekend. Many ups and downs.
And walk away like your alittle sore. Maybe even have a little bruise on your arm or something that only he would notice as he is wired to notice.
Do that.
Then watch what happens.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
On Page 381 of Not Just Friends Shirley Glass makes it CRYSTAL clear that if you are having problems in your marriage the LAST thing you should be doing is
1. Talking to a friend the same sex as your parnter 2. Opening up to them about intimate details of your life 3. Talking to them in PRIVATE 4 Avoiding your partner 5. NOT seeking advice from a trained professional family therapist with a stirling track record 6. NOT doing research on how to improve your marriage - there's books falling off the shelf on this.
If your H thinks there's NO ONE else to talk to he's fooling himself.. He should be making an appointment with a family thereapist.
If he DOES want to talk to someone... I would find a FT for him and give him their card... tell him
"THAT's where you go when you have problems in your home... not into the the arms of that woman... she's NOT going to make any of your problems go away... she's just made them a LOT worse... You may only be a part - time father now because of her... was it worth it?"
Give him the FT business card and walk away.
The NEXT time he wants to visit kids you hire a sitter and don't be there.
He's using his kids to get access to YOU and talk... You need a third party to handle the children's meets and info... cut off ALL CONTACT until he's in therapy.
Buy Not Just Friends and look at pp 380 - 81 This is THE book you need right now.
